Oh YOU GUYSSSSSSSS!!!
I am all excited...and NOT just because I am all enjoying SYTYCD Canada....who knew...the dancers are cute...one of them was in the Music Man movie...when he was 6 years old or some shit like that....AND not just because I got new shoes and a new haircut...AND not just because I drank a whole bottle of homemade Italian wine at my sister's house this weekend....AND not just because while drinking said bottle of wine I sat with my brother-in-law, my sister , George and a couple of other dudes and we named our fave porn titles....
Creamer vs. Creamer
Pocha-hot-ass
Romancing the Bone
and George came up with my personal fave....The Boston Tea Bag Party....everyone laughed so hard that we almost threw up the Italian wine...which was crushed by the feet of old Italian Nona's in black mourning gear...and then they put on their house shoes...and fed their pidgeons...wow...that was some racial stereotyping....sorry Hamilton...
NO!
I am most excited because in my endless quest to keep my audience excited and on the edge of their seats...or something kinda like that...Mark Harjes came up with and idea for this week that I LOVE!!!
It is called...hmm...what is is called....is "Choose it or Suck it!" too harsh?
Maybe I need you to email me some titles, people, for this week....
Anyhow!!!
This is the idea!!!
So, below is a list of some of my fave tunes....I would love you to send your top Faves.....
Then on Wedenesday night starting at 8:30pm...I will bring in a list of 10 songs and choose them from a hat....during the show...
"Sharron's 'You Pick it, I Belt it!!!'" night....hey that does not suck....but I am still open to way better titles!!!
So, here are the songs....and if there is one that I have forgetten that you wanna hear....please include it!!!
Bohemian Rhapsody
Slave 4 U /Tainted Love
Conversation
Sister Christian/Sweet Child of Mine
Dirty Deeds
Mr. Brightside
True Colours
Don't Stop Believin'
Hotel California
Stop In The Name of Love
Diamonds are Forever / Material Girl
Creep
I Walk the Line/I'm On Fire
Way Back the Then
Some Other Life
Do You Miss Me?
Every Breath You Take
Do You have others? DO YOU??? Write me here or post it in Facebook....or message me if you are shy....it should be an interesting night...I will endeavor to come up with a story to match a song.......or maybe you can help me by coming up with a premise that Wednesday Night when I pull the song out....WE ARE GONNA DO SOME SEAT FLYING PEOPLE!!!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
So tired....so almost famous...so almost not...and so almost cut off by a young upstart latino gay.
What an effing week.
So tired....so almost famous...so almost not...and so almost cut off by a young upstart latino gay.
The sublime...the ridiculous...welcome to my life once more.
Less you all roll your eyes at the drama that occurs in this story...it is not for the 'Over the Top' impaired ....just as a spoiler.
George and I have been waiting for some interesting luck ... and it came... thank you Universe...
But it always seems to come all at once....ya know..rains ...pours...whatever!
This week I was booked to do a TV series, a cabaret, a commercial dance rehearsal and then a shoot of said commercial and end it all off with an appearance at the Fetish Fair.
Yup....the Fetish Fair and a Walmart commercial...I wonder what one thinks about the other.
Oh don't I think I am fancy?
Anyhow....it all started with the costume fitting for Walmart....the costume lady called me 'Shannon' and then handed me a pair of the grossest most ill fitting pants in the live long day and a pair of orthopdedic shoes and a blue Walmart smock....
I knew that the time to suck it up had begun...after doing the first part of the fancy TV series shoot the week before...oh dear...it is always a bit humbling to do a commercial...NOT THAT I AM NOT HAPPY FOR THE WORK OR THE CASH...but you are definitely part of the product and treated as such...
So, I leave the wardrobe fitting a bit daunted but still a bit happy as some cool people would be there for the shoot with me....Karla Jang and Shawn Byfield to name a couple peeps....did I mention that it was a 12 hour ALL NIGHT SHOOT?
WHAT?!?!?!
So, I get up the next morning at ....well....it was early and off I go to my dance rehearsal for the commercial...I am thinking " How hard can it be? It is 24 seconds?"...I am 40...have I mentioned that yet?
So...we dance ALL DAY...ALL DAY...no breaks...no sitting really...not hard dancing but this gal was working it all day! Oh my.
I get home later after dancing ALL DAY and take a nap and get my shit together to go to Statlers for my cabaret gig...which goes well...my dear Mark Harjes is playing for me and we got a nice little crowd...but mamma is tired from all the highkicking...and after the gig goes home to sleep because....
She has to get up at 7:00am to get to set....yes, I am all fancy that way...get to set...to shoot her...am I still writing in the third person?...to shoot my last day on Murdoch Mysteries...I have not yet mentioned that I shot two days the week before at the Botanical Gardens in Hamilton..nice...and while there met someone who grew up around the corner from me who mistook me for my way older sister Gwen...his name is... Ronald McDonald...no shit...even he looked sheepish about that.
So, it was nice to come back to set...it is all old timey so I had a big old costume on and fancy hair...but not as fancy as George.., who, oddly enough, ( thank you universe) is also on the same episode as a big old rich dude and I am playing...his maid...I mean, really.
So, George and I sitting on set together in our costumes talking on our cellphones ... just like Brangelina...but different.
After I am done shooting...which was a fab experience...there was crew there from "Mean Girls" and "Music Man" movie there...and other cool actors like Kate Hewlett and Kristina Nichol ...it is one of the lovliest sets I have ever been on...the director hugged me when I left...nice...after the shoot I go home and take a melatonin and nap for two hours...but because I took a melatonin I don't know if the nap counts...and then at 8:00pm drive my ass to France...or Thornhill... and park my car in front of a Walmart store and gird my loins for my twelve hour, all night shoot.
First of all, our holding area was an aisle in the men's underwear section.
I shit you not.
Now, the crew and all were great to us...it was a fine shoot...but sitting on a folding chair in the men's underwear section dressed in orthopedic shoes can get one down.
But the people who were there made it fun.
But the sun came up ...and Walmart opened at 7:00am...and as we shot we heard to beep of the registers start.
I drove home and made about 2 questionable driving moves...maybe more...
So, then it was off to the Church Street Fetish Fair...I ain't gonna lie to you...I was excited!
My first outdoor cabaret.
Woo hoo.
I had a nice little stage to work on and the straight but not narrow Steve Thomas would be playing for me....
When I asked security who the host was he pointed to a well turned out young man in a lime green speedo and knee socks.
He actually wore them well.
He seemed to have no idea who I was or what I was doing...
Oddly, I am used to that.
There was suddenly a chaotic confusion and I was thrown onstage early...the host asked Steve and I our names and intro'd us as "Steve and Sharron" ...like Steve and Edie....but Fetish-ie...let me take this moment to tell you that I was wearing black sheath from Fashion Crimes and domanatrix pony tail....thank to a suggestion from Jeigh Madjus...and it was 1000 degrees out...let the flop sweating begin....
There was a small but mighty crowd...I knew it would get bigger as my real start time got nearer.
Do you know how distracting it is to sing Britney Spears when a naked dude wearing a leather mask is being led by on a chain....do you?
I really had to focus people.
Then as I got to the end of my Paula Abdul number...my act is classier then it sounds...it was going quite well and then the earlier mentioned young latino host cut me off.
What?
From the back of the stage?
My crowd...BOOO.
Me...WHAT?
Steve...are we done?
I did one more song, bringing that silly host up to interact with ...he was wooden as a board...he had nothing...
So, I said my goodbyes and host boy asked me " oh I am sorry...did you want to keep singing?"
WHAT?!?!?!
Then my people audience began to show up...because I had only done 20 minutes...and had started 10 minutes early.
Oh...it was sad...being cut off by a young latino who doesn't know my fabulousness...where is the humanity.
I think that life just likes ya to not get too big for your boots...
OR I think that young boy needs to check out my website....
Either way....what a fucking week....maybe you were bored...maybe you were interested...who the eff cares...I am tired as shit.
So tired....so almost famous...so almost not...and so almost cut off by a young upstart latino gay.
The sublime...the ridiculous...welcome to my life once more.
Less you all roll your eyes at the drama that occurs in this story...it is not for the 'Over the Top' impaired ....just as a spoiler.
George and I have been waiting for some interesting luck ... and it came... thank you Universe...
But it always seems to come all at once....ya know..rains ...pours...whatever!
This week I was booked to do a TV series, a cabaret, a commercial dance rehearsal and then a shoot of said commercial and end it all off with an appearance at the Fetish Fair.
Yup....the Fetish Fair and a Walmart commercial...I wonder what one thinks about the other.
Oh don't I think I am fancy?
Anyhow....it all started with the costume fitting for Walmart....the costume lady called me 'Shannon' and then handed me a pair of the grossest most ill fitting pants in the live long day and a pair of orthopdedic shoes and a blue Walmart smock....
I knew that the time to suck it up had begun...after doing the first part of the fancy TV series shoot the week before...oh dear...it is always a bit humbling to do a commercial...NOT THAT I AM NOT HAPPY FOR THE WORK OR THE CASH...but you are definitely part of the product and treated as such...
So, I leave the wardrobe fitting a bit daunted but still a bit happy as some cool people would be there for the shoot with me....Karla Jang and Shawn Byfield to name a couple peeps....did I mention that it was a 12 hour ALL NIGHT SHOOT?
WHAT?!?!?!
So, I get up the next morning at ....well....it was early and off I go to my dance rehearsal for the commercial...I am thinking " How hard can it be? It is 24 seconds?"...I am 40...have I mentioned that yet?
So...we dance ALL DAY...ALL DAY...no breaks...no sitting really...not hard dancing but this gal was working it all day! Oh my.
I get home later after dancing ALL DAY and take a nap and get my shit together to go to Statlers for my cabaret gig...which goes well...my dear Mark Harjes is playing for me and we got a nice little crowd...but mamma is tired from all the highkicking...and after the gig goes home to sleep because....
She has to get up at 7:00am to get to set....yes, I am all fancy that way...get to set...to shoot her...am I still writing in the third person?...to shoot my last day on Murdoch Mysteries...I have not yet mentioned that I shot two days the week before at the Botanical Gardens in Hamilton..nice...and while there met someone who grew up around the corner from me who mistook me for my way older sister Gwen...his name is... Ronald McDonald...no shit...even he looked sheepish about that.
So, it was nice to come back to set...it is all old timey so I had a big old costume on and fancy hair...but not as fancy as George.., who, oddly enough, ( thank you universe) is also on the same episode as a big old rich dude and I am playing...his maid...I mean, really.
So, George and I sitting on set together in our costumes talking on our cellphones ... just like Brangelina...but different.
After I am done shooting...which was a fab experience...there was crew there from "Mean Girls" and "Music Man" movie there...and other cool actors like Kate Hewlett and Kristina Nichol ...it is one of the lovliest sets I have ever been on...the director hugged me when I left...nice...after the shoot I go home and take a melatonin and nap for two hours...but because I took a melatonin I don't know if the nap counts...and then at 8:00pm drive my ass to France...or Thornhill... and park my car in front of a Walmart store and gird my loins for my twelve hour, all night shoot.
First of all, our holding area was an aisle in the men's underwear section.
I shit you not.
Now, the crew and all were great to us...it was a fine shoot...but sitting on a folding chair in the men's underwear section dressed in orthopedic shoes can get one down.
But the people who were there made it fun.
But the sun came up ...and Walmart opened at 7:00am...and as we shot we heard to beep of the registers start.
I drove home and made about 2 questionable driving moves...maybe more...
So, then it was off to the Church Street Fetish Fair...I ain't gonna lie to you...I was excited!
My first outdoor cabaret.
Woo hoo.
I had a nice little stage to work on and the straight but not narrow Steve Thomas would be playing for me....
When I asked security who the host was he pointed to a well turned out young man in a lime green speedo and knee socks.
He actually wore them well.
He seemed to have no idea who I was or what I was doing...
Oddly, I am used to that.
There was suddenly a chaotic confusion and I was thrown onstage early...the host asked Steve and I our names and intro'd us as "Steve and Sharron" ...like Steve and Edie....but Fetish-ie...let me take this moment to tell you that I was wearing black sheath from Fashion Crimes and domanatrix pony tail....thank to a suggestion from Jeigh Madjus...and it was 1000 degrees out...let the flop sweating begin....
There was a small but mighty crowd...I knew it would get bigger as my real start time got nearer.
Do you know how distracting it is to sing Britney Spears when a naked dude wearing a leather mask is being led by on a chain....do you?
I really had to focus people.
Then as I got to the end of my Paula Abdul number...my act is classier then it sounds...it was going quite well and then the earlier mentioned young latino host cut me off.
What?
From the back of the stage?
My crowd...BOOO.
Me...WHAT?
Steve...are we done?
I did one more song, bringing that silly host up to interact with ...he was wooden as a board...he had nothing...
So, I said my goodbyes and host boy asked me " oh I am sorry...did you want to keep singing?"
WHAT?!?!?!
Then my people audience began to show up...because I had only done 20 minutes...and had started 10 minutes early.
Oh...it was sad...being cut off by a young latino who doesn't know my fabulousness...where is the humanity.
I think that life just likes ya to not get too big for your boots...
OR I think that young boy needs to check out my website....
Either way....what a fucking week....maybe you were bored...maybe you were interested...who the eff cares...I am tired as shit.
Surprise what? And then I spend the rest of the evening trying not to pass out!!
I wrote this a couple days ago...but due to busy times and other things I could not finish it the same day.....
I am flabbergasted....just....what?
I sit here at 8:15am on my way to dance rehearsal....cause that it was 40 year old character actress chicks do...dance...on TV....oh mom...thanks for the tap, jazz and ballet at Marlene Robinson Dance School....but I just wanted to say something about what happened on Monday night before it got too far away.
It is so ironic...I hope that I have used this right...not like that Alanis who wasn't talking about ironic things at all....so ironic that the day I choose to go on about Canada and people not being celebrated....I find myself and my dear Jenni Burke thrust into the middle of a night that I will never forget.
When Sara Farb asked me to come to her cabaret and I heard the run down of performers I was very excited....A:Love the cabaret, of course. and B: The list of performers were my fave young people out there doing their solo thang. But when I sat there and my best friend Thom Allison came onstage...I....alright...let us be honest here....I turned to Jenni and said "why the eff didn't they ask me to host?"...cause I am self centered that way....and then when I heard him say that the evening was a surprise celebration for Jenni Burke and myself I near 'bout shit my pants.
What a night....I was greatly honoured that so much thought was put into the evening....Kyle writing a songologue ... Kritty singing Mr. Brightside ...were just a couple of the amazing highlights....oh and Jeigh writing new lyrics to 'Woman" ... and Kelly singing a fierce tune that I want to ask her for the music to...Ari in a glitter top singing "Blow Gabriel Blow" ... were others... and Allie singing 'Glitter" (I mean really!!) ... Gabi being the only white woman I know who does real justice to the Dreamgirls songbook on a weekly basis...Dan Rutzen playing the shit outta the keys...and the lovley Sara Farb singing in her singular and fabulous way...having put whole deal together...and then Thom singing "If you believe " and me snot crying in the front row....beside my dear friend Jenni.
We just kept turning to each other...not believing that it was happening....I had a very important moment about 10 minutes into the show...I began to feel overwhelmed and wished for a less obvious seat....worrying about people watching me fall to pieces...but after wishing away many pivotal moments in my life I stopped myself...I turned to Jenni and said " Let's breathe and suck it all in and appreciate this fabulous moment that will never come again!"... and I did...I think Jenni did too.
I wished it never to be over.
How lucky am I?
How blessed.
And, mostly, how thankful and proud I was of all those fantastic performers...they are really the
best young people around... and now they are out there producing, writing, creating and working....wow.
So humbled...and the gifts ....thanks to Fashion Crimes for the dress...Dan Thompson of Daniel Thompson Cosmetics for the UNBELIEVABLE pallet... Patty Zee for the custom painting...Sportelli, Mitchell Marcus Sara Farb and Buddies for the tickets....the Bikram Studio for the MONTH LONG PASS...Jeigh's Spa for the facial..my hair guru Bill for the do.....and Buddies for the door....I just felt like it was not a real moment...it was like being at your funeral but still being alive and fabulous!
And to all the people who came to be a part of the evening...and yes, we really were surprised!!
I CANNOT believe something was kept from me on FACEBOOK!!!
I am a FACEBOOK LURKER AND SLUT!
Sara...you honour me with your friendship.
Thom ...you honour me with your friendship.
I am just ....wowie.
SO!
All that being said...I am doing something this weekend that I have never done before...
On Sunday at 5:00pm on Church Street just north of Welleslley across from the Beer Store I will be doing a headlining set... OUTSIDE....like a rock star people...I have never done that before....in celebration of the CHURCH STREET FETISH FAIR!!!
Oh yes....it is free and will be something else I am sure!
The always straight but never narrow Steve Thomas will be playing for me...and it will something to be part of....I would love for any or all of you to come down and witness an set that even I can't predict what is gonna happen!!!
I think it is gonna be a day to remember!
I don't know what the true future holds but I forge forward with excitement and renewed vigor thanks to that fabulous and wonderful tribute.
Thank you for putting a spring into my step and heart.
I am flabbergasted....just....w
I sit here at 8:15am on my way to dance rehearsal....cause that it was 40 year old character actress chicks do...dance...on TV....oh mom...thanks for the tap, jazz and ballet at Marlene Robinson Dance School....but I just wanted to say something about what happened on Monday night before it got too far away.
It is so ironic...I hope that I have used this right...not like that Alanis who wasn't talking about ironic things at all....so ironic that the day I choose to go on about Canada and people not being celebrated....I find myself and my dear Jenni Burke thrust into the middle of a night that I will never forget.
When Sara Farb asked me to come to her cabaret and I heard the run down of performers I was very excited....A:Love the cabaret, of course. and B: The list of performers were my fave young people out there doing their solo thang. But when I sat there and my best friend Thom Allison came onstage...I....alright...l
What a night....I was greatly honoured that so much thought was put into the evening....Kyle writing a songologue ... Kritty singing Mr. Brightside ...were just a couple of the amazing highlights....oh and Jeigh writing new lyrics to 'Woman" ... and Kelly singing a fierce tune that I want to ask her for the music to...Ari in a glitter top singing "Blow Gabriel Blow" ... were others... and Allie singing 'Glitter" (I mean really!!) ... Gabi being the only white woman I know who does real justice to the Dreamgirls songbook on a weekly basis...Dan Rutzen playing the shit outta the keys...and the lovley Sara Farb singing in her singular and fabulous way...having put whole deal together...and then Thom singing "If you believe " and me snot crying in the front row....beside my dear friend Jenni.
We just kept turning to each other...not believing that it was happening....I had a very important moment about 10 minutes into the show...I began to feel overwhelmed and wished for a less obvious seat....worrying about people watching me fall to pieces...but after wishing away many pivotal moments in my life I stopped myself...I turned to Jenni and said " Let's breathe and suck it all in and appreciate this fabulous moment that will never come again!"... and I did...I think Jenni did too.
I wished it never to be over.
How lucky am I?
How blessed.
And, mostly, how thankful and proud I was of all those fantastic performers...they are really the
best young people around... and now they are out there producing, writing, creating and working....wow.
So humbled...and the gifts ....thanks to Fashion Crimes for the dress...Dan Thompson of Daniel Thompson Cosmetics for the UNBELIEVABLE pallet... Patty Zee for the custom painting...Sportelli, Mitchell Marcus Sara Farb and Buddies for the tickets....the Bikram Studio for the MONTH LONG PASS...Jeigh's Spa for the facial..my hair guru Bill for the do.....and Buddies for the door....I just felt like it was not a real moment...it was like being at your funeral but still being alive and fabulous!
And to all the people who came to be a part of the evening...and yes, we really were surprised!!
I CANNOT believe something was kept from me on FACEBOOK!!!
I am a FACEBOOK LURKER AND SLUT!
Sara...you honour me with your friendship.
Thom ...you honour me with your friendship.
I am just ....wowie.
SO!
All that being said...I am doing something this weekend that I have never done before...
On Sunday at 5:00pm on Church Street just north of Welleslley across from the Beer Store I will be doing a headlining set... OUTSIDE....like a rock star people...I have never done that before....in celebration of the CHURCH STREET FETISH FAIR!!!
Oh yes....it is free and will be something else I am sure!
The always straight but never narrow Steve Thomas will be playing for me...and it will something to be part of....I would love for any or all of you to come down and witness an set that even I can't predict what is gonna happen!!!
I think it is gonna be a day to remember!
I don't know what the true future holds but I forge forward with excitement and renewed vigor thanks to that fabulous and wonderful tribute.
Thank you for putting a spring into my step and heart.
SO, you know What?
It NEVER ends....PEOPLE!!! It NEVER, EVER ENDS!
Just when I think I am making it ... that I am all current and fabulous...doing my thang...I get someone asking me to justity my thang, tell them what my thang is....oh, and who are you, Miss Thang?
Okay...not that I am all self important...well, not too self important but WHAT The EFF?!?!?!?
The nother day....yes, I wrote 'other' with an n in front....because I can...oh,and for the record, I love elipses....I don't care if you don't....I think it sounds like the way I talk....so suck it elipses- haters....
Breathe....I think the antibiotics make me ornery.
Where the fuck was I?
Oh Ya, the Nother day...I was chatting with a fabulous, well respected and wonderful actress ... we were at the Toronto Reference Library...
(Sidebar:they hate me there...two reasons...One: I pull out 100, 000 books that they have to put back...Two: They came to see my show and due to the fact that they are deeply religious were offended by my potty mouth and low cut dress, they think I am the devils whore.....
But maybe I am paranoid.)
So, I am standing away from the librarians who are staring at me, talking to my dear fabulous actress friend...who is about 60 years old...and she starts to tell me how she is there to find the addresses of theatres that she hasn't worked at to introduce herself to them...
I freeze.
Now, this a pretty well-known Canadian actress and she is effing 60!!!
I am all "WHAT?!"!
"Why the hell should you have to write anyone?
They should know you!"
I am off on a grand tirade in the middle of the REF and the librarians are staring daggers at me...because I am dirty and now, loud...and she, the actress says "That is just the way it is...it is never over...the selling and the promoting...you gotta do it."
I just wanted to lie down on the stinky three hundred year old carpet and die a bit....
Really?
Is it never over?
I mean, you all get my well timed Facebook message and emails...I try not to over do it...but a girl has gotta promote her shit, right?...and when someone I know walks up to me and asks "So are you doing anything in the theatre?" I just wanna freak the freak out.
How hard is it to get your shit noticed in this country.
Answer: Effing hard....okay Sharron be positive....challenging.
But I have always dreamed that there might be a day when all of the hard working artists out there... when we just might be able to sit for a sec and ride on our laurels....is that so effin' bad?
Not that I think I am even close to that place but still......did I mention that woman is 60!!!!
I dream of the day when musical theatre is respected as an artform in this country and when the same aforementioned country celebrates their artists... and when elipses will be embraced in storytelling circles everywhere....
Just when I think I am making it ... that I am all current and fabulous...doing my thang...I get someone asking me to justity my thang, tell them what my thang is....oh, and who are you, Miss Thang?
Okay...not that I am all self important...well, not too self important but WHAT The EFF?!?!?!?
The nother day....yes, I wrote 'other' with an n in front....because I can...oh,and for the record, I love elipses....I don't care if you don't....I think it sounds like the way I talk....so suck it elipses- haters....
Breathe....I think the antibiotics make me ornery.
Where the fuck was I?
Oh Ya, the Nother day...I was chatting with a fabulous, well respected and wonderful actress ... we were at the Toronto Reference Library...
(Sidebar:they hate me there...two reasons...One: I pull out 100, 000 books that they have to put back...Two: They came to see my show and due to the fact that they are deeply religious were offended by my potty mouth and low cut dress, they think I am the devils whore.....
But maybe I am paranoid.)
So, I am standing away from the librarians who are staring at me, talking to my dear fabulous actress friend...who is about 60 years old...and she starts to tell me how she is there to find the addresses of theatres that she hasn't worked at to introduce herself to them...
I freeze.
Now, this a pretty well-known Canadian actress and she is effing 60!!!
I am all "WHAT?!"!
"Why the hell should you have to write anyone?
They should know you!"
I am off on a grand tirade in the middle of the REF and the librarians are staring daggers at me...because I am dirty and now, loud...and she, the actress says "That is just the way it is...it is never over...the selling and the promoting...you gotta do it."
I just wanted to lie down on the stinky three hundred year old carpet and die a bit....
Really?
Is it never over?
I mean, you all get my well timed Facebook message and emails...I try not to over do it...but a girl has gotta promote her shit, right?...and when someone I know walks up to me and asks "So are you doing anything in the theatre?" I just wanna freak the freak out.
How hard is it to get your shit noticed in this country.
Answer: Effing hard....okay Sharron be positive....challenging.
But I have always dreamed that there might be a day when all of the hard working artists out there... when we just might be able to sit for a sec and ride on our laurels....is that so effin' bad?
Not that I think I am even close to that place but still......did I mention that woman is 60!!!!
I dream of the day when musical theatre is respected as an artform in this country and when the same aforementioned country celebrates their artists... and when elipses will be embraced in storytelling circles everywhere....
Bag This
Okay...it is only 5 effin' cents for a plastic bag....why oh why do we all of a sudden want to hoard that 5 cents.....
Why are we SO offended by that charge ...that we will carry a fourty pack of tampons, a two litre bottle of caffeine free Diet Coke, four rolls of toilet paper and an Aero bar.....yup it is that time people....we will carry these things willy-nilly... I just, this year, found out that the phrase is "will-he, nill-he" and I do not give a shit....willy-nilly makes more sense...where the fuck was I?....oh ya....we will carry all of these things WILLY-NILLY in our arms running across Sherbourne in rush hour instead of spending the 5 cents on a stinky plastic bag.
I KNOW it is not because we want to save the environment....come on you don't really care... admit it.
AND I know it is not the 5 cents...
If we see 5 cents on the ground we all 'Sophie's Choice' whether it is worth it to risk our back and bend over to pick it up...
So, if our back is worth that 5 cents...why don't we spend it to try and save ourselves from wrenching it when the tampons fall into oncoming traffic?
DO you follow me?
That 5 cents just pisses me off.
And I just found out it doesn't go to the stinky environment anyway...it goes to the retailer...then I was pissed off more.
AND, off topic, OUR CITY STINKS OF GARBAGE!
Can the city workers really be fighting to keep a deal that no one ELSE in the LIVE LONG LAND still gets??
REALLY???
Ug....I gotta have a cup of Diet Coke.
And take an advil.
Cause my effin' back hurts.
Can I get a "WHOOT WHOOT!"
GO BACK TO WORK AND CLEAN OUR CITY!
Can you imagine....okay close your eyes...can you imagine what it is gonna look like after ....gulp.....carabana????
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Why are we SO offended by that charge ...that we will carry a fourty pack of tampons, a two litre bottle of caffeine free Diet Coke, four rolls of toilet paper and an Aero bar.....yup it is that time people....we will carry these things willy-nilly... I just, this year, found out that the phrase is "will-he, nill-he" and I do not give a shit....willy-nilly makes more sense...where the fuck was I?....oh ya....we will carry all of these things WILLY-NILLY in our arms running across Sherbourne in rush hour instead of spending the 5 cents on a stinky plastic bag.
I KNOW it is not because we want to save the environment....come on you don't really care... admit it.
AND I know it is not the 5 cents...
If we see 5 cents on the ground we all 'Sophie's Choice' whether it is worth it to risk our back and bend over to pick it up...
So, if our back is worth that 5 cents...why don't we spend it to try and save ourselves from wrenching it when the tampons fall into oncoming traffic?
DO you follow me?
That 5 cents just pisses me off.
And I just found out it doesn't go to the stinky environment anyway...it goes to the retailer...then I was pissed off more.
AND, off topic, OUR CITY STINKS OF GARBAGE!
Can the city workers really be fighting to keep a deal that no one ELSE in the LIVE LONG LAND still gets??
REALLY???
Ug....I gotta have a cup of Diet Coke.
And take an advil.
Cause my effin' back hurts.
Can I get a "WHOOT WHOOT!"
GO BACK TO WORK AND CLEAN OUR CITY!
Can you imagine....okay close your eyes...can you imagine what it is gonna look like after ....gulp.....carabana????
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Dog Whisperer and Budda
It is late at night.
This is when I have all my best ideas....the ideas that the next morning sound all effed and drunken...so I decided to write this one down before I slept my good sense away.
So.... got two dogs....decided to train them....which is not a bad idea since the Otto dog peed in the house for FIFTEEN years. Every day....no word of a fricken lie. I love you sweet Otto.
In order to do that training ... my dear friend Ryan suggested the Dog Whisperer...and I know the everyone is all lordy for him...when people are lordy for something I feel the need to eschew it....that is why I have NEVER seen Avenue Q and why I will not shop at Lululemon....oh and because their clothes are FUCKING OVER PRICED... I mean...so what, they hem the pants....I digress...Ryan brought us the Dog Whisperer DVD's and two books.
I was not sure of it then .... and now...I have at least 40 hours of it taped on my PVR...and when I have one moment to sit I will watch an episode and then learn it to my dogs...who aren't sure what they feel about Cesar...aka the Dog Whisperer...although when the opening theme comes on the big one, Tyson, wanders into the room and plunks his huge ass down in front of the TV making the working of the flinker impossible.
But I have made a discovery.
Cesar is brilliant.
He is like a doggie Dali Lama....
And after using his practices I now know....if you can't afford therapy ... tape 40 hours of the Dog Whisperer and just use it on yourself...learn yourself like you are a 6 pound Chihuahua named Nu Nu ( who has been named the meanest dog in the world). Practice calm assertive behaviour. Stay in the moment....be relaxed. Make yourself sit in a stay for a long period of time when you get all fussed up. Take your aggressions out on an inanimate object instead of the bitch sitting next to you.
I am totally convinced that Cesar's practices can change the world.
But remember... it isn't easy....Cesar gets bloodied on a daily basis trying to make pit bulls submit.
Watch his show...I swear to god it works.... it just might enrich your life.
And save you tons of cash on prozac.... do they still have that shit?
This is when I have all my best ideas....the ideas that the next morning sound all effed and drunken...so I decided to write this one down before I slept my good sense away.
So.... got two dogs....decided to train them....which is not a bad idea since the Otto dog peed in the house for FIFTEEN years. Every day....no word of a fricken lie. I love you sweet Otto.
In order to do that training ... my dear friend Ryan suggested the Dog Whisperer...and I know the everyone is all lordy for him...when people are lordy for something I feel the need to eschew it....that is why I have NEVER seen Avenue Q and why I will not shop at Lululemon....oh and because their clothes are FUCKING OVER PRICED... I mean...so what, they hem the pants....I digress...Ryan brought us the Dog Whisperer DVD's and two books.
I was not sure of it then .... and now...I have at least 40 hours of it taped on my PVR...and when I have one moment to sit I will watch an episode and then learn it to my dogs...who aren't sure what they feel about Cesar...aka the Dog Whisperer...although when the opening theme comes on the big one, Tyson, wanders into the room and plunks his huge ass down in front of the TV making the working of the flinker impossible.
But I have made a discovery.
Cesar is brilliant.
He is like a doggie Dali Lama....
And after using his practices I now know....if you can't afford therapy ... tape 40 hours of the Dog Whisperer and just use it on yourself...learn yourself like you are a 6 pound Chihuahua named Nu Nu ( who has been named the meanest dog in the world). Practice calm assertive behaviour. Stay in the moment....be relaxed. Make yourself sit in a stay for a long period of time when you get all fussed up. Take your aggressions out on an inanimate object instead of the bitch sitting next to you.
I am totally convinced that Cesar's practices can change the world.
But remember... it isn't easy....Cesar gets bloodied on a daily basis trying to make pit bulls submit.
Watch his show...I swear to god it works.... it just might enrich your life.
And save you tons of cash on prozac.... do they still have that shit?
Starbucks and Being Retarded
So, I am at Starbucks.
On Church Street....with my people....and I ask the very fashionable Barista....I love that title...I ask him for a medium tea ... he already hates me because I don't conform to their fascist changing of the drink sizes...and ask him to leave the bag in....like I always do...every where I go...Tim's, Country Style...yes...I sometimes go to Country Style...eff off.
When I ask the Barista to leave the bag in he looks at me like my dog Tyson when I say "Where is Daddy?"...he all tilts his head to the side and googles his eyes....and says....the Barista not Tyson..."We always leave the bag in....who doesn't leave the bag in?!" and then all of the Baristas behind the counter...all of who's hair is pointing straight up in the middle...you all know what I mean...just think about it....all of the Baristas start having this in depth conversation about how could someone not leave the bag in....rubbarb, rubbarb, rubbarb....and I am standing there with my $1.75... too much for an effing tea if you ask me... and I just wait for the hub bub to end and give me my tea.
I have been asking for my tea that way for years....they ask you everywhere else if you want the bag left in....why the eff am I justifying myself?!?!?!?!
The head Barista turns and says...wait for it.... "Everyone things we're retarded here...we know how to serve tea."
What do you say?
What the eff do you say to that?
I will tell you what I said....
" I didn't make any judgement on your level of idiocy based on your looks...I am sure that you are good at.....oh what the fuck..... can I have my damned tea!"
Who knows what the day holds, huh?
On Church Street....with my people....and I ask the very fashionable Barista....I love that title...I ask him for a medium tea ... he already hates me because I don't conform to their fascist changing of the drink sizes...and ask him to leave the bag in....like I always do...every where I go...Tim's, Country Style...yes...I sometimes go to Country Style...eff off.
When I ask the Barista to leave the bag in he looks at me like my dog Tyson when I say "Where is Daddy?"...he all tilts his head to the side and googles his eyes....and says....the Barista not Tyson..."We always leave the bag in....who doesn't leave the bag in?!" and then all of the Baristas behind the counter...all of who's hair is pointing straight up in the middle...you all know what I mean...just think about it....all of the Baristas start having this in depth conversation about how could someone not leave the bag in....rubbarb, rubbarb, rubbarb....and I am standing there with my $1.75... too much for an effing tea if you ask me... and I just wait for the hub bub to end and give me my tea.
I have been asking for my tea that way for years....they ask you everywhere else if you want the bag left in....why the eff am I justifying myself?!?!?!?!
The head Barista turns and says...wait for it.... "Everyone things we're retarded here...we know how to serve tea."
What do you say?
What the eff do you say to that?
I will tell you what I said....
" I didn't make any judgement on your level of idiocy based on your looks...I am sure that you are good at.....oh what the fuck..... can I have my damned tea!"
Who knows what the day holds, huh?
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