Best and Worse of 2009

What a year it has been, what a rare mood I'm in...why it's almost like being in bed...oh no...wait! I AM in bed.
And I could not be happier, or more exhausted, or more excited...or more nervous.
Oh people, I am SOOO many things...and they are all a result of the year that was 2009....and the decade that was the....2000's? The Aughts?
Did we ever come up with a proper way to label this strange, exciting AND effed-up decade?
It seems too daunting to go over the best and worse of the decade...I mean I am in bed, after all....but let me try for this year...

January
Best: I guested on Keith Cole's "Needle Exchange" and he surprised me by having a band and handing me the words to "I Kissed a Girl" by Kate Perry...a song I have NEVER sung...nor knew the melody to...I made it up...and was mad...but just fake 'on stage' mad. And then John Colbourne wrote something about it in the paper "the closest he (Keith Cole) came to needling any of his guests was when he scolded musical theatre diva Sharron Matthews for not singing enough "pretty" songs -- and based on her rendition of The Rose, he might have a point."...um...is that bad...or good? I went with good...as I love John Colbourne...he has given me all of my most interesting and fabulous reviews..."takes to the stage like a leopard to the jungle"... "can sell any song like it is prime downtown real estate"...see how I worked my bullet points in there...I am such a publicity whore...I own it...judge as you will.

Worst: (Here is a "I am not gonna lie to you, it was bad" moment.)
When I filled lotion bottles at a friend's spa (NOT a rub and tug you dirty bitches) because that epic musical Rob Roy was cancelled five days before we started rehearsal (two days before Christmas). I filled said bottles because I had reluctantly deemed it close enough to the job to fix my car and buy Christmas presents. OH and...not that I was bitter...I had to quit many gigs as, though there had been no contracts given out it was "leaked" to the Toronto Star that I, and a number of others, were going to be in the show.
Super classy.

February
Best: It is a tie between the " Awesome Wedding of Adrienne and Kevin Dennis" and the "Salon/Dance Party at the Loach's"
The wedding reception was at the Palais Royale...BEAUTIFUL... the guest list was a who's who a fabu fun people ...Serge Kushnier, Matty Murray, David Dunbar, Bob Foster, Karen Burthwright, Rachel Fischer, Patty Zee (who was only at the church because she was doing "A New Brain" and, incidentally had accidentally cut part of her finger off the day before). The evening ended with a live band and a conga line and then a limbo with trained dancers....it was a site to behold an unnamed dancer shimmying under the bar with her beautiful dress hiked up as far as it would go. As I said, AWESOME.
The Salon/Dance Party at the fabulous and supportive Loach's started with some very intimate performances by Guy Few, George Masswohl (yes, that George Masswohl...he made me cry), my idol Sandra Shamas showed part of her latest show on the huge TV screen and then I told a story about how much she inspired me...I didn't make it through and cried like a baby and she maybe thought I was bonkers...ah well.
And then...outta nowhere...the party had dwindled down to a core group of fabu people...Christine Horne, Brad Hampton, Dan Thompson, Georgie, Shelly and Peter, the Loach's...and a two hour dance party ensued...it was quite possibly one of the BEST PARTIES I HAVE EVER BEEN TO!

Worse: Going to a callback to play a series regular on an American TV series called "Happy Town"...I was SO excited to have the callback in such strapped times...arriving I found out that the two woman I was called back for my part with were IN THEIR 60's!!!!!!!

March
Best: The "Sing Out, Louise!!!" benefit at Buddies in Bad Times. Because I hosted and produced the evening I had the luxury of standing backstage and witness some of the best performances I have EVER seen... Patricia Zentilli singing "IF", accompanied by Patti Loach...Zentilli hit a high M at the end of the tune that made me pee. Thom Allison, accompanied by Wayne Gwillim) debuted one of his alter egos, Alexandra Neil, and killed the audience with his talent and style. George Masswohl (yes, that George Masswohl) did one of the most moving two song acts I have seen, with flugel horn accompaniment by John Loach. Damien Atkins and Andrew Kushner performed an accapela medley of songs that was just funny and flabbergasting and featured "Single Ladies" by Beyonce before it was fashionable to copy that song. Just to name a few of the amazing artists!

Worse: I was featured in a article for the Globe and Mail Auto Section, a puff piece for my Sharron's Parties...and because I drive an SUV I was labeled in the scathing comments as everything from fat and stupid (mean and What has my weight got to do with my car?) t0 a lesbian (which I took as a compliment).

April:
Best: Sharron's Surprise Party at Buddies in Bad Times...great guests over these two nights...Kritty Uranowski, Gabi Epstein and my dear friend from days of yore Tim Boyle...he and I talked in the interview for 20 minutes and told some very scathing stories about our roomate-ness in the 90's. IE: the big naked late night walk in Penetang and Hoolies.

(George just turned over and said "Are you still writing?"...yes, I am still in bed.)

Worst: Letting George talk me into going to the audition for "Phantom 2: Electric Boogaloo"...okay...that is not the title....but it should be. The casting directors came to Canada for two days...and went from hearing a whole song to hearing 16 bars during the first twenty minutes of the first day...then it was all over FB that if you were going you better sing some belty 16 bars....I went into the audition and there was an action figure lying on the floor in the centre of the room...that was where we were supposed to stand. I belted my entire song. Then the casting directors picked up and left right after me...as I stood outside and chatted with Julain Molnar we watched at least 10 more people arrive to audition for the show...and the casting team had left.
Super classy.

May
Best and Worse: Working for three weeks on my Chalmer's Fellowship grant application. Firstly, while grants are awesome...grant applications suck ass...and not good ass.
I was given priceless help and support from Sky Gilbert, David Oiye, Ed Sahely, Leslie Arden, Paul Sportelli, Curtis Barlow, Louise Pitre and the long suffering but deeply loved George Masswohl. The last day I was a crazy lady. I was in my pajamas all day and George kept running across the street to the Kwik Copy as our printer had broken. One hour before the deadline he drove me to drop the package off on Bloor Street, still in my pajamas...when the time came to give it over I was very reluctant...it is quite honestly some of the best work I have ever done. I am tempted to hang that shit on my wall.

June
Best: The very last Sharron's Party!! It was packed! It was my Big Gay Party...which is no different from every other Party I have written and hosted. It was amazing to reach the end of this five year journey and wrap something up before it got stale. The audience was off the rails...Thom Allison sang " I am Changing" from Dreamgirls and Jeigh Madjus sang "It's Raining Men"...and Christopher Skinner yelled "One More Song"!!!
You are missed Skinner.
And I wore this outfit....life rocks...as does FASHION CRIMES!!!




















Worst: The End of Sharron's Party. Yes, I was torn.


July
Best: My niece, Vivian, visited and the most culturally diverse week I have ever had occured. We went to see The Sound of Music, West Side Story at Stratford, she came to see my show at Statlers...I know, I tried VERY hard not to swear and we saw the Producers at Stage West. We then went to Canada's Wonderland and rode all of the coasters until I almost threw up. She was a great pleasure to have and she said her fave part of the whole visit was when we walked the dogs.
Gotta love it.















Worst: This was the month I had the "tea bag" incident with the "Hair-pointy-uppy-valley-girl-speakie-barista-boys" at Starbucks on Church street. Jesus wept. Oh and "tea bag"...not what it sounds like.


August
Best: Tie! This month I was lured to Buddies under the guise of attending a young version of "Sing Out Louise!" and it became the biggest surprise of my life. The youngsters, headed by the lovely Sara Farb, put together a show to salute Jenni Burke and Myself...it was an amazing night...it felt like I had died and gotten to be at my funeral. I was honoured. But before the surprise, you gotta love that my first thought when Thom came onstage was "Why didn't they ask me to host for fucks sake?" THANK YOU FOR THE HONOUR!
AND! Shooting an episode of "Murdoch Mysteries"...the lovliest set ever...and George Masswohl (yes, that one.) was also on the episode....he played a rich dude...and I played...his nanny...I wasn't fancy enough to play his wife...but we sat in director's chairs and talked on our cellphones...like the low budget version of Brangelina.





















Worst: Waiting to dance in a commercial 3:00am in the men's underwear section of Walmart. Nuff said.























September
Best: TIE AGAIN! Visiting my dearest friend Thom in Edmonton...it was like going to a three day slumber party where the other person gives you birthday cards and chocolate EVERYDAY! And also cooks your every meal!! That is my dream world.
AND Seeing aforementioned Walmart commercial and realizing that I am pretty much unrecognizable!!! Yay!!

Worst: Thom and I getting into an arguement with a lady...and I use the term loosely... in a bus shelter Edmonton...yes, Thom and I were in a bus shelter...will wonders ever cease...this bitch didn't know who she was messing with. We had her smooshed in a matter of seconds. Her "Mom Pants" were in a twist!

October
Best: This was a huge month! A lot of my dreams came true...so excuse me again if there is more than one best this month...but it is October and this blog is longer than "Gone with the Wind" or "Lord of the Rings" so if you are still reading at this point...A: Thank You for Caring and B: You clearly have some time to kill and kinda enjoy hearing me go on about myself...SO!!!...
I toured my "Sharron's Big Broadway Show" out east...my first tour out of Ontario! And Wayne Gwillim came with me...it went very well...and Wayne had to be navigator...and as we drove out of the airport parking lot in Charlottetown he got his shit together and told me where to go...figuratively speaking...and then 20 minutes later very calmly stated we were going the absolute opposite way to way we were supposed to be going! I love WAYNE!











I have always wanted to be a part of the "Hysteria Festival" and I was asked by Moynan King to do my own set in Buddies to begin one of the evenings...and I could not have been happier or prouder!



















AND I also had the great honour of premiering my band "The Panik Attack" at the Canwest Cabaret Festival! SOLD OUT PEOPLE!!!





















And I started rehearsal...on the newest Leslie Arden musical "Princess and the Handmaiden"...and I was playing the King!!! It was a big month...one that made me look back to the pumping of the lotion in January and think...wow...things can change very fast. And I was very thankful.
Oh, and I don't wanna brag....but Now Magazine named me "Best Cabaret Performer"...I mean, I guess I do wanna brag...but I worked my shit off...so it was a happy, tearful and proud moment.
October 2009...I thank you.

Worst: I will not dishonour the great month of October 2009 by focusing on ANY negative thoughts. So suck that, January.

November
Best: Opening night of the "Princess and the Handmaiden" @ the LKTYP...when I came out in the Prologue and sang to the audience I saw all the Canadian composers, producers, actors young and old and felt what an important night it was. I felt honoured to be opening an original Canadian musical in Toronto...and that it was the second Leslie Arden musical to be produced in Toronto. There should be hundreds. She is amazing. As is LKTYP. They are one of the best places to work in...the world. Yes, I made that statement...the world.
















Worst:Waking up the morning after the opening and realizing that I probably said the above mentioned statement about one million times after drinking a little too much at the opening night party. I hope I didn't wear it out. Oh, and in the words of Shauna Mac...I had a 10th Grade Hanger.


December
Best: Though super busy George and I enjoyed our best Christmas EVER! Too many awesome parties to mention. AND I dyed my hair red. Suck that resume shot.

Worst: Hmm. Huh. I cannot think of one damned thing.

So, there you have it faithful and patient readers. I started the year pumping lotion in the depths of despair and ended it with my best and happiest time EVER.
You can't write that shit.
I want to thank you all for caring and listening and supporting.
I had named 2009 the year of "I am not fucking around!" which was true....and the title that George and I have come up with for 2010?
"Untitled"
We are gonna be open to what comes.
I hope that you all have a great year...and see the pluses and the minuses...and the balance...and forge forward!!!
All my BEST!
Sharron

Sigh. It is over....again.

I can't sleep.
Sigh.
Here we are AGAIN.
The time between Christmas and New Years....where I consider going on an all-liquid diet but figure I might as well wait for a couple of days....I have given up on my pre-christmas jeans in favour of tights...and skirts...and...I know...eff you....sweatpants.
Christmas is over.
This year was the first year that I really realized that I love the lead up to the season WAY MORE than the day itself.
I love everyone wishing the other "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Holidays"... the anticipation of the day itself....that NEVER lives up to the days beforehand...the soft snow that falls...and here is a thought....
Isn’t it strange that at Christmas time having snow and sleet is kinda romantic and cozy...and after Jan 1st the same weather is just bullshit.
It is almost time for the aforementioned bullshit.
Oh....and this Christmas Day...a drunk lady backed into our car...our car was parked.
She drove away and contacted us from her party saying that she had to leave the scene (yes, I use the CSI terminology...I have to use it somewhere to justify the hours of watching) because she was LATE for her party.
Are you fucking serious?
Merry Drunken Christmas, Lady.
But I digress.
I have a musical to close tomorrow...and I am torn.
I am always happy to recognize the timely ending of a project.
A job fulfilled.
An audience satisfied.
Okay....I just judged myself.
But I always know when it is time to move forward and I know that my attention span is quite short.
Surprised?
But I have had a blast doing this show at LKTYP.
And I find myself melancholy.
There is nothing like the gift of singing or listening to some Leslie Arden.
I stand on stage at the same point every show and listen to Regan and Tracy singing to each other...and the melody and harmony is so haunting...I almost tear up...which is saying a lot about a hard ass like me.
Oh WAIT...Sidebar....Shawn Wright came to the show today and something that had been nagging at the back of my subconcious came into the light, as the fancy people say....here it is for you to consider....Shawn Wright....Karen Wood....separated at birth?
They are like Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson...are they the same person? Do they cancel each other out.
I wanted to actually use Latoya there...but who would be who?
There is something very solitary about the cabaret and one-woman show work that is my great passion.
Okay...I just judged myself again...but you know what I mean, people.
I love the company of....a company. The crew and the cast.
We have a good time.
Even when the kid in the front got up during the applause of one number and asked me, while I was bowed over accepting said applause, how much longer the show was.
Actually, especially then.
Nothing like the young ones keeping you honest.
They also like to stare at the action on stage with their mouths WIDE OPEN.
That is my fave.
Even though sometimes they are breathing and coughing out the germs...but I use sanitizer.
Who knows when I will do theatre again.
I will be dedicating this year to new projects and going international...so that takes a lot of time...but I have totally enjoyed this theatrical breath of fresh air.
GOD....I keep judging myself in the fancy speak!!!
I want to thank Tracy, Regan, Andrew, Larry, George, Jonny Tan, Karen, Julain, Susan...late entrance CATHY...WTG girl...Kate, Kristen, Scott, Jacks, Gavin, Allen, Leslie, Stephen, Craig and ALL at the Lorraine Kimsa. It is always a pleasure.
Maybe now I can sleep....I have young people to keep the attention of tomorrow...and it can be a challenge.
And a joy.
God...the self judgement!!!
Night all!

Dog vs Cone

I won't put a picture up here of Tyson in his cone. I think it would be bad for his self esteem. It is almost a year since the tragic viewing of 'Marley and Me'. The viewing in which George turned to me halfway through and said quietly, in the PACKED theatre, "This dog isn't going to die is it?" Oh lord. Then we got out two monster dogs. It was like seeing " A Baby Story" on TLC....which is horrifying by the way...I had it on in the background last week, totally by accident....and when they got to the birth I had to sit down as I thought I would pass out....SO, it is like seeing "A Baby Story" and then deciding it is time to have kids. But this has been a great year with them...a learning year. A year of surprises. Who knew that after three months Cassie could bark...and it is a old man bark at that. Who knew that after eight months Tyson could be totally enthralled by a beam of light from a laser or flashlight. Who knew that two dogs pass fleas faster than a whore with the clap. So, many things....too little time. it is our first Christmas with them...and sadly, the Big Dog is in a cone...the biggest cone I have ever seen....for those of you who don't have dogs and have no idea of what I speak...when dogs itch or lick themselves raw the vet puts a device resembling a megaphone on the dogs heads so they can't reach the affected bits. The dogs all look "special needs". After the fleas he got all infected and needed "THE CONE". God bless his little soul. Anyhow....somehow...with said cone....he locked himself in the bathroom. We had no idea how he did it...all we knew was when we got home the little girl was lying sweetly on her bed....gloating, no doubt...and he was no where to be found. Then George saw the that the bathroom door was closed. When he opened it...Tyson had decided after he locked himself in to hunker down...he ate the garbage and two bars of soap. Dove. Maybe the two fucking quarters of moisturizing cream will help his skin. He had bubbles in the corners of his mouth. You can't help but laugh. He also decided that the blue disco ball on the Christmas tree looked yummy. So the next day his poo was sequins and dental floss. If I had a nickle......

How the eff did this happen?

This is a photo of the Christmas tree that George brought me home last year.
We had experienced a gross year who's main highlights consisted of our beloved Otto passing and that effing Rob Roy debacle.
I decided that we didn't need a Christmas Tree.
Nope.
So, one day I was in the bath and George brought in the tree and decorated it.
Yes, I bathe for a VERY long time.
And that big present in front was for me.
Sweet.
How did Christmas sneak up on us this year?
Was it the balmy fall that lasted till...this morning? Freezing rain and sleet suck ass.
But Christmas is all close...and it could be me...or it could be the PMS...but I feel all emotional and seasonal...not like the flu.
Just moved.
Not like bowels.
For fucks sake, Sharron....just say what you wanna say.....SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A WOMAN PMS' ????!!!!
I decided to not do a holiday performance this year.
It was after a lot of thought that I made that decision.I LOVE the holiday show....but I wanted to devote my time and energy to the "Princess and the Handmaiden"....Leslie Arden's music is challenging people!
But I want to do....something...
So, a lovely lady called me on the phone and asked me to be a part of her groups show....
Maybe you have heard of them??
Check this out!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjXazfJXCIM
Oh ya!!!
These ladies...and some gents...are something else...and their shows are awesome!!!
AND....my band, The Panik Attack (the handsome Reza, Jamie and Erik) will be playing with me!!! With a lovely bassist named Devon....oh what a night it will be....
Incidentally, I was rehearsing with my guys and after we were riding an elevator down from the space...all the boys had their instruments with them...and when the doors opened a man outside said "Hey, here comes the band!" and then looked at me...and before I could kick him in the balls he asked if I was the manager...I looked at him and said "I with the band......jealous?" and strode away.
Swinging my ass as I went!!!
Oh what a time it will be....
This Sunday December the 13th at the Revival at 7:30pm.... go to this link for TICKETS!!! This event almost ALWAYS sells out...so go NOW!!
http://lescoquettesnaughtylist.eventbrite.com/
I hope to see you...if not at Les Coquettes ....then out and about!
Happy Holidays all!

The Effing Christmas Shoes

So, yesterday I am happily driving to Joe Fresh...for the record this is NEVER an unhappy thing for me...you gotta love lovely styles at affordable prices...WHO DOESN'T?!?!?
I turn on the radio in happiness...in celebration of Joe Fresh and being done my show day at 11:45am. Because the radio is a bit broken...you can't see what channel it is on...and the fact that I don't feel like listening to Q107...Georgie's fave...I start to blindly search the channels.
The seeker stops on the musical chords that are clearly the beginning of some country and western Christmas song...
I ain't saying I don't like country...I don't enjoy all of it...but I love the Dixie Chicks...that counts right? I guess that is kinda like people declaring that like some musicals and then say "We Will Rock You" counts, right?
Make your own assumptions about that statement.
Anyhow, the song is just starting...all flowery and with ping-ie piano chords...and I have a moment when I admire the campiness of the country lyric...I know the country community would be surprised and maybe a be horrified to discover how camp their lyrics truly are...like
"I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal."
or....
"My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do
Miss Him."
really? Or how about...
"If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now."
How nice. But do you see what I mean?
So, as I ponder over these thoughts, the songs starts...and it sounds like that country guy...I don't know his name...they all sound like him...the guy who sang "Butterfly Kisses"....all husky voiced and earnest.
He starts to tell a story about a pair of shoes....instantly I am pulled in...because what girl doesn't dig a song about a pair of shoes....and then I realize this isn't a happy shoe song.
I will short form this shit for you.

It is basically about this guy who goes into a store and sees this dirty little kid who is holding a pair of Manolo Blahnik's...the kid wants to buy them for his mama with money from his paper route because she is dying that night....Christmas night...and he wants her to look pretty when she meets Jesus.
Of course, the guy gives the kid the cash. And it is happy, yet horribly sad Christmas with the dirty child at the end of his moms bed...with her corpse clad in pink sequined mules.

Yup...that is the story.
I found myself doubting the child's authenticity during the song...I could see his criminal father rolling him in the dirt and telling him to pick the most expensive pair of shoes in the store so he could sell them on Ebay. Just like a modern day Oliver.
I have one question.
Who the fuck comes up with these fucking Christmas Country Songs?
Oh wait...one more question....And where kinda life are they living that they got this idea?
AND WAIT!!!
I have to tell you something else...I was in such disbelief about this song on that I drove home...after my very successful Joe Fresh visit...and Youtubed it.
Ya know what?
That made a fricken movie out of it....with Rob Lowe and that chick from "Father of the Bride"....they cleaned it up a bit...the child was not dirty.
I watched the video on Youtube and just about lost my shit.
Really?
Really?
Are there people at home right now listening to this "Christmas Shoes" song between "Do they Know It's Christmas?" and "Silver and Gold"?
Is this what Christmas songs have come to?
I am just shocked and freaked out and not a bit delighted.
Oh god...it is just so good in a way that is so bad.
And now, without further ado...is the Christmas Shoes song...you decide...
and if you like it....good for you...but if you don't... as Olympia Dukakis' character says in "Steel Magnolias" (no coincidence..total camp) "Sit next to me!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNsvE33pRSw