This is why I don't answer the phone....

The following is a transcript from a phone call I received on my land line (?) earlier today.

Me: Hello?

She: Who is this?

Me: Who is THIS?

She: This is Bobby Lynn.

Me: (inside voice: Really?!) What can I do for you, Bobby Lynn?

She: Who are you?

Me: (Pause) I think you have the wrong number.

She: Your number is programmed into my husband's cell phone...who are you?

Me: (Ah...she thinks I am his mistress of something...I am intrigued and sad...but mostly intrigued) I am the owner of this phone number...but I have only been here a couple months so it must have been someone else...(Why the fuck am I justifying myself to you instead of following my natural instincts and hanging up....one word: intrigued)

She: I don't think so....your name is programmed in my husband Peter's phone under UMV. (My mind does one million things...under my vage....u must vage....u make vaginas...I don't know why my mind was stuck in this place)

Me: I don't know Peter.

She: How do you know his name?

Me: You just said it.

She: Who are you?!?!?!

Me: Okay, I am not your husband's mistress or whatever...I know that much....and I gotta tell you...you are really freaking me out, Bobby Lynn. ( I hear it is important in these negotiations to establish intimacy.)

She: (long long Pause) Wrong number.

Dial tone.

I have included a picture from my photo shoot...because it felt like the right thing to do.

Scotland, London, Stratford, Hamilton, Canada Sings has a DEBUT date ...and my highschool reunion.

Yup, I am a mere two and half months from trundling back over the pond to Scotland, doing my London debut and having Canada Sings debut while I am....abroad...abroad....HAHAHAHAH!

(You will have to read through all of this to get to the part about my highschool reunion...just read through....don't be a pussy and just scroll down...yes, I called you a pussy)

August 10th is the air date for Canada Sings people...I will be in Scotland at the Edinburgh Fringe...which is fancy...but I wish I was gonna be here...I will be here in spirit.

So, watch Global on August 10th and then go to the CanadaSingsTV (yes, all one word) facebook page and tell everyone how much you loved me...wait, it...the TV show...and maybe me...why not, right?!?!?

All joking aside, I really believe that this is gonna be a wonderful show...and it isn't a talent show...it is an amazing hour of watching your possible friends and neighbours work their asses off and transform from office workers, doctors, nurses, policemen, waiters, call centre workers and firemen into an amazing group of singers and dancers...and it is all for charity....I KNOW!! You will love it.

And I am in it.

But the reason I won't be in Canada is because I will be debuting my new show at the Edinburgh Fringe, bitches.

It is called....ready?....

Sharron Matthews Superstar: Jesus Thinks I'm Funny.

Yup.

And here is a pic from my promo photoshoot....

YUP!!! SO EXCITED!!!!

Anyhow, before all of this happens, I have some shows I would love to have you be around for, if you wanna!

I am reprising my Flying Beaver Pubaret Show (Big hit, people, was the Critic's Pick in the Toronto Star and the Now Magazine!!!) at the NEW Springworks Festival here in Stratford...it is happening this Friday the 13th (wow, I just noticed that...will have to honour that somehow) at 11:00pm at Factory 163....please go here for the deets

www.springworksfestival.ca

I am bringing Cooch and Jamie Drake up from TO to accompany me...we are gonna have a blast....IN MY NEW HOMETOWN!!!

FYI: This show...late night...not so much kid friendly!

And then from May 17th to the 29th I will be doing my "Sharron's Big Broadway Show" in the studio at Theatre Aquarius in Hamilton....my hometown....I have been doing this show all over Canada and it has been very well received and I have a great time...I am excited that there is gonna be a nice two week run!

This show? Totally kid friendly! Not toddler friendly...teenager and tween ish friendly. As long as they don't heckle...then all bets are off.

Go here for tickets and details...and it is selling really well so buy your tickets NOW!!!

http://www.theatreaquarius.org/OnStage/StageWriteSeries/StageWrite-Show1.html

SO!

I went to my 25th highschool reunion. I didn't know it was the 25th. So, when I was standing there with my friend Regan and said, "How long have we been out of highschool?", she looked at me like I was a doof and pointed at the big 25th Reunion banner on the wall....doof.

It was weird.

And I could not stop saying it.

There were a lot of people I didn't remember...there were a lot of people that I remembered who didn't really seem to want to remember...there were a lot of great people who I have not seen in a million years that I got to talk with.

And there was that bitch from grade 3...who I went to school with all the way to grade 12....who didn't talk to me...who ignored me from grade 3 to grade 12...who I saw there.

The one that my young girl friends demanded that I invite to my 13th brithday party...even though she didn't speak to me...and I did... yes, I know....but I was young, my dad had died and I just wanted everyone to like me.

She was there.

She is married to a drummer or something.

:)

If you get that...then that makes me happy.

Anyhow, I saw her and thought about confronting her...and decided she wasn't worth the air.

I am 4-fucking-2 years old, people.

For the record...she still has the same hairstyle (?!) and seems to be the same FUCKING BITCH.

Other than that, my friend Jody just reminded me to write a couple of things... ...it is good to have friends to remind you of things.

1. Thanks to Anita Blaney for arranging the whole reunion, I am sure it was a great deal of work.

2. Dear Chrissie Godwin-Bokstein, I am sorry I asked you where you lived 3 times...I was over stimulated by all the people.

3. Thanks to Regan for getting a couple of us together beforehand to drink and eat Chinese food, you are the glue, Regan.

4. Thanks to the one man who kept pointing out how hot his wife was, "Can you believe how hot my wife is? Huh?" Huh...

I hope you all are well!!!

Come on out to the shows...I would love to see you!!!

Three Favourite Things So Far Today...

So, it is only noon here in Stratford and I have done so much and thought so many fabulous thoughts ALREADY....I hope you enjoy....or scratch your head...or are as mad as I am...so many options, HUH?

Anyhow...first thing this morning I looked out the back window ( I always do before I go outside because we are still a week away from an effing fence....people weren't meant to share property) and there are two women, one young, one old, with spades....digging up my garden.

I shit you not.

I YELL out the window..."THAT FLOWER IS MINE!" (it was the best I could come up with at short notice..I had just woken up after all)...I pulled on whatever was near (probably a cocktail dress and a hoodie) and ran outside...the women were still standing there...with the effing shovels...looking at me like I am crazy. I said again, "That is my flower...everything from that stake over (they were a good 5 feet in my yard) is mine."...then the old woman said "My sister used to own all these properties...I am used to just taking the flowers...." and still they stood, "Well, they are mine...." (I remained firm in my theme) and I was not budging.

WHO DOES THIS!?!?!?!

Is this what happens in the country?

She then told me that she had be removing flowers for a month...which would explain the three big holes in my garden. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

OUT, get out!!!!

And they actually had the gall to seem pissed.

Then when I was driving to New Hamburg to drop George off I saw a huge sign hanging over the GORGEOUS green fields that said "Today's Holocaust, Abortion! Funded by YOUR Tax $$$!".

Um.

That seems a bit much, don't you think.

I hate that I will have to now look at this every time I go back and forth.

Way to fuck up the view.

Maybe I should rent a billboard beside it with that says....oh lord...I can't even write down what I want it to say...

Then that sent me down the conservative way....

With that thought I realized that we are probably one of the ONLY countries in the world where the leader was a big liar and then got a bigger majority after a non confidence vote and election...

WE LIKE LIARS!!!

All this being said I saw a gorgeous set of shelves at the antique market....

Politics and the girl who has no idea.

This is me.

My name is Sharron Matthews....Superstar (eff you guys, I am trying to start a trend and sell my shows...judge away.)

I am only a tiny bit embarrassed to tell you that I know absolutely nothing about politics.

I find it boring.

I find it tedious.

And like when you buy a car you know you are getting screwed, you just don't know how much...this is the way I feel about politics.

And that I am being coerced and lied to.

Huh.

Sad, huh?

AND I mean, armed with limited knowledge from "Man And Society" class taught by Mr. Tobin...god, he was a mean fucker...in Grade 10 and 11, I can see that we have it a lot better than most.

Lybia.

Egypt.

That Kim Jong Il in North Korea

Ew....shiver....gross...there are some mean fuckers (Like Mr. Tobin....but worse, I imagine)...running peoples lives in our world.

So, by comparison, maybe we don't have it so bad.

But maybe it can still be better.

(The next part may give away my limitations when it comes to fancy things like economics and...other gross shit but I feel compelled to tell you....so judge me if you will...I don't give a crap)

So, one day I asked George, who tapes the debates and watches them on PVR while I am on Facebook, reading my Kobo or wishing I was a little big dead from even hearing the debates in the background...I asked George what the whole "Non Confidence" thing meant....he took a great deal of time to describe the whole thing to me...I am always eager to learn...about anything but politics BUT I used the same learning skills that I need when I study....things.

When he was finished I said, "So, he lied, they party lied and broke the law".

He said, " Um, not technically....they weren't tried in a court of law...".

Me said, "What the fuck does that mean?"

He said, "Fancy thing, fancy thing, fancy things ....huge words like quagmire.... Non confidence vote."

Me said, " So they lied and broke the law and did things that other people could be put in jail for."

He said, "Um not technically..."

And around and around it went...George loves how there are absolutely no shades of grey with me....loves it, I am sure.

I was so mad.

I mean, I wasn't going to vote for the doof in the first place...I always vote NDP....always....but now...how?

How the fuck do we make this not happen?

I think that some people think that their vote doesn't count.

I sometimes feel this way.

But it does.

I think of all the people through the centuries who have DIED for the right to vote.

All the people who die now.

This is gonna sound ultra gaylordy...so put on your gaylordy reading caps....all our votes count.

Then I had a TRULY gaylordy thought...what if we all voted our hearts and the fuckers were kicked out.

What if...or what if we had a coalition GOVERNMENT!! THIS IS MY FAVE IDEA!!! I think Layton needs a terminator...I am not sure he has it in him...WHAT IF!!!

Who knows what can happen when we all vote our hearts....

That being said, here is a little story...I was recently in Moosejaw and the dude who was driving me to the airport began to tell me a story about the injustices that had happened at an Ash factory...I am hoping that I got that right...that some big business from Australia, of all places, was trying to buy out the Ash Factory near Moosejaw and they needed said Ash Factory...and he started to talk about how they had called the PM in to fix it...and I started to laugh...and he looked at me like I was crazy...this was the day I truly realized that some people think he is AWESOME!!! I mean, I know he gets votes and I guess I just never thought, truly thought about where they came from.

And then the next week I went to my sister's house in Hamilton and she had a PC sign on her fucking lawn and I just about passed out.

SO!!! SOME others will be voting their hearts as well...SO WE NEED TO FUCKING VOTE TOMORROW, PEOPLE!!!!

There, I said it...back to regular things...like watching "Hope Floats"

Just remember...."I think when ordinary working people come home, turn on the TV and see a gala of a bunch of people at, you know, a rich gala all subsidized by taxpayers claiming their subsidies aren't high enough, when they know those subsidies have actually gone up – I'm not sure that's something that resonates with ordinary people," Stephen Harper said in Saskatoon,

Well, at least my driver was happy.

VOTE, BITCHES!