Acrackolypse. Robpocolypse. What-The-FUCK-o-lypse. I passed out.

            

        I title this picture, "Working hard? Or Hardly workin'?"

What the eff is happening?

Really, people...what the fuck...

I just had to sit back, breathe and really focus on the fracas (sp?...whatever....you get it) that is going on right now in Toronto.

BECAUSE I just cannot believe that the place that my favourite city in the world has come to is being less than $60,000.00 dollars from the $200,000 needed to buy a video from a drug dealer in the hopes that it can prove that Rob Ford smoked crack.

After some thought we collectively realized that THIS is the very best idea we can come up with right now to get him the fuck out of office.

We are fucking desperate, people of the world. (Yes, I am flattering myself that people of the world read this blog, sue me.)

THIS is where the Mayor Of Toronto has brought us.

We are basically collecting our candy money, piggy back stash, Saturday night booze fund, saving-up-for-a-boob-job-mattress-cash and paper route savings to give to someone who sells crack....to get a mayor out of office.

We are at a loss...and it saddens me...and freaks me out.

And it makes me mad because it has made me care about politics.

YES! I know!!!

What the fuck?

I mean, nothing else  has worked so far ... this BOOB, Ford has continually mocked the office of mayor of the city of Toronto...not caring if he flies by an open street car door (potentially murderous) ...and EVEN having the gaul to call the TTC to complain about the streetcar driver who had reprimanded him...he was seen driving while talking on his cell and then giving the finger to one of his constituents for calling him out on it...there he was again, pictured driving his big gas guzzler while reading... raising money on Mayorial letterhead for his Football team...the same football team that he fetched an IN USE TTC CITY bus for one day, forcing a load of passengers off the bus in the middle of a route...to pick up his fucking football team...I could go on and on...it just BOGGLES my mind.

AND, SIDEBAR, why is it when we, regular little old people, do something wrong we break the law...but when someone in politics does something wrong (Hello Senate!! Ray Brazeau, Pamela Wallin, Mike Duffy) they break the RULES?

Huh?

Why!?!

(I  wish you could have seen my husband explaining the Senate to me...remember, please, I am not an idiot...I just hate politics...and me just sitting there after with my mouth open...then finally screaming out, "WHAT!?!? WHY, for the love of god...WHY!?!?!?")

Fucking politics.

Gross.

THIS shit is why I hate it so....

At this point, and I know this won't be a surprise to some...but I am not nor have I ever been a fan of that boob,  Rob Ford.

I left Toronto when he got elected.

Okay, I had already moved when he was elected...but what is honesty?

"Lying about easily disproven things would become a Ford trademark."

- New York Magazine

When he got into the mayor's office you could have knocked me over with a feather...I thought, "How could someone so obviously ignorant and disdainful of people unlike himself...non-white...

"Those Oriental people work like dogs ... they sleep beside their machines,'' he said. "The Oriental people, they're slowly taking over ... they're hard, hard workers."-

Rob Ford, 2008, City Council Meeting.

....gay...

 “If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn’t get AIDS probably, that’s bottom line." When it was pointed out to him that a growing number of women were being infected with AIDS, Ford replied, "Maybe they are sleeping with bi-sexual men."

- Rob Ford, 2006, City Council

...bike riding people...

"If a bicyclist get killed, at the end of the day, it is their own fault."

- Rob Ford, City Council, 2007

...the homeless...

Ford suggested that instead of having a "public meeting" about locating a homeless shelter in his district, "Why don't we have a public lynching?"

- Rob Ford, 2002, City Council

....How could a person like this get into the Mayor's office of the City of Toronto. How!?!?"

Huh.

The red part is downtown Toronto.

The blue parts are the suburban 905ers.

Two absolutely different types of places to live in with one hundred thousand (I may exaggerate but who REALLY cares at this point) challenges when it comes to what the constituents need and what the places require from a mayor/city government.

Lord.

Remember when our 22nd Premier of Ontario, the awesome Conservative Mike Harris (Jesus wept), came up with the most excellent idea to amalgamate six municipalities with TOTALLY different needs into a Megacity.

What a smartie pants.

This was the beginning of our doom as this non-political gal sees it.

Like when Michael Jackson truly went mad after he got hit in the head with a laser beam while filming that Pepsi commercial.

(Recycled joke...unsure if it really makes the point...but it makes sense to me...you are welcome)

We all saw the writing on the wall of what this Cirque D' Kooka  was going to be like when that awesome renaissance man, Don Cherry, called Torontonians who ride bikes, "Left wing commie pinkos" at the event where Rob Ford was sworn in.

(What is it with these men and bicycles? Did the never learn to ride one? Did they not get one as a child at Christmas? What in the fuck HAPPPENED here?!?!?)

And, after one premature ejaculation of an attempt to get him out of office...remember the court room drama/conflict of interest case in which he admitted...actually, his defence was he was too ignorant to know what was going on....

Ford testified he never read the MCIA or a City of Toronto councillor orientation handbook which included a section on conflicts of interest. Also, he did not attend City Council training sessions that covered conflicts of interest.The mayoralty oath of office includes a pledge to "disclose conflicts of interest", and when asked by Ruby if he understood the words, Ford said: "No."

- Wiki-fucking-pedia,

...when we thought it was over...the media reported it was over...yet, weeks later the boob still was at City Hall...grinning like a sweaty, mean girl who just called you fat....and got away with it.

GROSS.

He is such a bad example...he is everything we were told WOULD not happen to the mean, bully kid later in life.

We were told by our parents to BE patient....these mean kids would get their comeuppance.

Well, most of downtown Toronto is saying, "Where is the Gravy Train's karma!?!When is the 'come around' part, huh???"

We have been patient...done everything right...written our government, signed petitions, gone to City Hall to say our piece, written blogs, complained to ombudsmen...and STILL  here we are.

When I look at it in this light, maybe the Crackstarter campaign doesn't seem so Kooka...I mean, when even staunch Ford Supporter, mean and nasty column writer and all round horrible person Christie Blatchford admits that Ford needs to step down...you gotta know that we, Toronto, are at the end of our rope and staring down Queen West with bloodshot eyes watching for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Acrackolypse.

Robpocalypse.

You know what I am getting at....one crap joke at a time.

What the fuck is going on...and please wake me when this shit is over.

Jesus Wept.

Lord and Taylor.

AND I passed out.


P.S. And JUST as I am about to go to sleep on May 23rd, the night I wrote this...and I see this...
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2013/05/23/toronto-city-hall-giorgio-mammoliti-fundraiser.html 

And this....

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/toronto/mayor-rob-fords-allies-prepare-to-run-toronto/article12123758/#dashboard/follows/

Oh...and, the topper... this is tomorrow's, May 24th, Toronto Sun Headline...THEN I truly passed out. Enough already...

UPDATE: AS of 8:43am on May 24th the Crackstarter Campaign was less that $40,000 away from the $200, 000 goal, a dude donated $10,000 if he could get the IPHONE it was all taped on and no one can find the Drug Dealers. How could these drug dealers just up and disappear....uh...oh wait THEY ARE DRUG DEALERS.
AND, now everyone thinks that the Ford camp bought the video...
WILL WE NEVER GET THAT EFFER OUT!!?!?!?!?! 

Rob Ford's Crack and WHAT THE FUCK IS THE SENATE?! Sharron Gets Political. WHAT?

Oh, my god...I got so mad about politics last night after watching the news...imagine, me watching the news...and then watching Mary Walsh on the Youtube talking about the Senate...that I had to say something...and you all know that I don't know much about the politics...BUT I think I know about bull crap...and people, WE ARE SURROUNDED!!!

1.The Continuing Story of the BOOB Mayor Rob Ford and his Half Wit Brother, Doug: A Tale of "CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS EFFER IS STILL MAYOR OF A WORLD CLASS CITY?

What an embarrassment. 

I just watched Mayor Rob Ford  at a news conference, BARELY able to read his speech about the Casino deal THANKFULLY dying... it was like a 14 year old sweating and stumbling through his debate opener, and then his idiot brother rebutted (is that a word?) said, "The Premier has been undecisive..." 

Has he? 

What IS that exactly? 

Between this idiocy, the fridge magnet debacle...ug, did you read about that?...and remember THESE things...he flipped of a woman while driving his car and talking on his cell phone...WHO HAS THAT MANY HANDS!?!? He was pictured READING while driving....

LORD!...he was in court for SO MANY THINGS... using his Mayorship to raise funds for his football team...then he drove his car past a TTC streetcar while the doors were open and then called the cops because the driver yelled at him...OH and when he called 911 when the TERRIFYING Mary Walsh stood on his lawn to ask him a few questions...he spent thousands of dollars to take away the bike lanes on Jarvis that the city had JUST put in two years before...to LESS expense...HE has got SOMETHING against bikes, I tell you...SO MANY THINGS TOO MANY TO COUNT...these are just the things that bug ME!!! 

2. And in the file of "WHAT IS THE SENATE, EXACTLY? WAIT, YOU are KIDDING ME!"...

...THEN, I read about this Duffy deal thingie...

"The once-treasured party fundraiser and bon vivant become a serious political liability this week after word leaked that Harper’s chief of staff, Nigel Wright, wrote a personal cheque for $90,000 to Duffy to cover repayment of improperly claimed living expenses."-The Toronto Star. 

http://www.thestar.com/news/canada/2013/05/16/senator_mike_duffy_claimed_expenses_while_campaigning_for_conservatives_in_2011.html

Um, isn't that guy the idiot from that TV show...how did he get to be in government?

Huh.

The Senate...the Senate...what did Mary say about the Senate?

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/04/02/22-minutes-mike-duffy-ambush_n_2999588.html 

WHAT the FUCK.

AND, I always say I don't know jack about politics...but I just looked into 'the Canadian senate'...and it seems to be a weird place where, if you have been in the good graces of a PM...even if you have ZERO political experience...you can go and get paid up to $90,000.00 a year for doing nothing...and can NEVER get kicked out...no matter what you might do...or what laws you might break...so...with my limited understanding...it seems to be basically like an awesomer, political 'Hotel California'.
Hey Senate!
How the eff do I get in? 

3.AND in conclusion! Let us not forget the losing of 3.1 Billion Dollars in the washing machine, or something... 

CAN WE ALL RECALL THAT THE CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT, UNDER THE GUIDANCE OF STEPHEN I-DO-WHATEVER-I WANT HARPER, LOST 3.1 BILLION DOLLARS. 

I would like to say WAY TO GO all of you Conservative voters. You have done some fine work.
 

OH! I forgot...AND then there is the crack thing...and when I first read it on twitter last night I thought they had caught Rob Ford walking around with plumber butt...which seemed pretty much right up his alley.

BULL CRAP!!

 

Abercrombie and Fitch & Teen Prostitute Barbie.

Do you know what?
I can't even give one load (!) of energy to the Abercrombie and Fitch thing.
Except this.
I hate that effing store.
I have always hated that effing store.
Since the dawn of time they have designed their "WOMEN'S" clothes with teen prostitutes or teen barbie...prostitutes...in mind.
Their large size sweatshirt would fit a four year old...or teen prostitute barbie.
I have never nor will I ever aspire to be teen prostitute barbie.
So, I shop elsewhere.
What the-fuck ever.


(The following was added after much mulling over.)

WAIT!!! Do you know WHAT ELSE?
DO NOT let anyone tell you that you can't have whatever dream you are dreaming based on your size, your looks or any other 'flaw' that they perceive.
That, my friends, IS BULLSHIT!
Dream BIG ALL YOU FABULOUSLY DIFFERENT people.
We WILL not let people put us in a box or BABY IN THE CORNER.
NEVER.
NOW GO OUT THERE AND DO SOME SHIT!! xoxoxoxo

FYI: This is the guy, Mike Jefferies, who doesn't like ugly fat people...I mean, really...jesus wept.)
(Douche)

‏

And No One Came. But we still Happened.

I woke up with a hell of a headache and an I-Ate-Too-Much-Wendy's-Late-At-Night racing heartbeat...and a mix of joy, sadness, and Did-I-Swallow-A-Bag-Of-Cottonballs in my soul...I don't know if it's good or bad...but I know I love it so...I'm a little bit country...wha? Where the fuck? 

Lord. 

This girl was NOT born to drink. 

Surprisingly. 

I have wrestled with whether I was gonna write this or not since 8:00pm last night.

And a mighty match it was...

BUT, in the end, I decided I would... in the interest of science... experimenting... the arts in Canada... the fucking Maple Leafs... Survivor finale... and Mother's Day...and Donny and Marie...I don't know why Donny and Marie...you can ask the bottle of Pinot Grigio that I drank last night...the liver wants what it wants, people.

The bane of this last few months in Toronto for me has been finding a balance. A balance of how to fill houses when you are doing more than one project a month...wait...more than one project in three months...it is a problem/thing/conundrum (SP? I don't effing care...you know what I mean) that never goes away...I have written about it numerous times...and it still boggles my mind...I have commiserated with artists from Rick Miller to Maggie Cassella....Brendan Healy to Louise Pitre...from across the ocean to right here at home...it is the mathematical equation that NO one can quite figure out...shows get amazing reviews...killer word of mouth and then? 40% houses.

It can make one want to quit it all...sell everything...and go to Tofino...and live off the land...as long as there is an outlet for my hair straightener...a girl has to have limits. 

I mean, I am not a fucking barbarian.

I have had great houses this year...I have been very lucky...I have done A LOT of projects so I am very thankful...and I have worked hard on getting bums in seats...as I am sure anyone on my email list, my FB friends, the people who FOLLOW me (this is a term that freaks me out) on Twitter will attest to the fact that I am out there...there is a constant worry about over saturation.... sigh... worry... sigh... tension... sigh...saturation...and when people come, great happiness occurs AND  then the tiny brain worm of "What about next time?" when the curtain comes down.

It is just the truth.

Can you tell what I am leading up to?

I don't actually know if you can.

I love the idea of The Happening. 

I surely do.

ALL these different artists...telling stories a different way...meeting each other in the dressing room and exchanging ideas...pondering new collaborations...it is very exciting to me.

And the first one in March was light in the audience... BUT they were mighty and appreciative and the performers were stellar.

And May...well, the artists I had lined up were so amazing and interesting....

AND we were the Critic's Pic in the Now Magazine....

And when my dear George, ever the bearer of bad news to me (AND GOOD NEWS...but when there is bad news to be told everyone makes him do it  because...let's face it...he has made it throught 20 years with me so he has to have some tricks up his sleeve)  came to the dressing room at 7:55pm to tell me that NO ONE was in the audience...I just about shit.

No one.

On the night of the Leafs thing...the Survivor Finale...and Mother's Day...no one came out to see this amazing night of music and laughter.

Lord...the embarrassment...the horror...the sadness...the shock...it was like when I rented "Hostel" on Rogers-On-Demand....the horror...I couldn't look away.

It was everything I have always been afraid of.

And it...Happened.   

No loud noise...no trumpets...there won't be trumpets...just a dull drop in the gut.  

Huh.

What do you say?

Everyone had rehearsed... made the trip... did the soundcheck... put on their glad rags... and there we were.

Standing at the bar...looking a bit shell shocked...everyone was great about it... but, again, I couldn't help but feel responsible...  Lord.

That is when Jason White, who was playing the piano for the awesome Van Abrahams said, "Well a Happening is where a bunch of artists get together and perform for each other...and jam...we should do that..."

Huh.

So, we did...and it was quite magical...a lot of people who weren't scheduled to perform got up and did their thing...Jazz who is a wonderful Hip Hop artist (and happens to run the tech in the Cabaret space) got up and jammed to a beat that Cooch laid down...yes, I said hip things there... Helene, who is the wife of Patricia in Crackpuppy got up and sang Danny Boy... Michael who runs Statlers... who DID show up, cried a tear as she sang... Cooch sang Georgia, holding a beer in his hand while Jason improvised on piano...and Wendy sang Bacharach and told a story about how much she loved the old time variety shows...Van sang from the show 'Songs of Freedom' that he had written... Crackpuppy tore the place down...and then...because I had been drinking a wee bit...I got up with them and screamed notes I don't usually scream as we all sang "Should I Stay or Should I Go"...there was laughter...joy...the dry ice machine was pumping...and we appreciated each other's talent.

We talked about the time the Barenaked Ladies first performed in LA to a totally empty room...about the documentary that showed Jann Arden handing out her own flyers on a corner in NYC for her show...about people in Edinburgh performing with 3 people in the audience...with one of those three people being a reviewer.

I still felt a little sad in my heart...I still do ... BUT we made the best of a bad situation...and we laughed it off with true Canadian style.

And I drank a lot of Pinot Grigio.

Huh.

I don't know the future of this event that I truly believe in. 

But I will not let it weigh my soul down for too long.

I hesitate (or don't, really...you all know me) to say I have one more gig this month...yup...I do...and it is one of my fave gigs in town...I sit and sing...and tell stories...and, in honour of Betty Buckley reminding me how much I love musical theatre I will be trotting out some musical theatre tunes...but after that...THAT IS IT for a while.  

This girl has OBVIOUSLY gotta take a moment, people.

WAIT!!! Don't feel bad for me all you wonderful readers...I can take it...it will pass...I do believe in the talent and our audiences in Canada...and that we seem to be totally thrilled that our hockey team is doing something special in their category OR whatever...and that we all REALLY love Survivor (I do...) and our mothers. These are all good things...

I thank the fabu talent that came out last night from the bottom of my heart...and thank them for sharing it like we were being all artsy like at the Burning Man or something.

And Shelley, who we would never ask to do stand up in a room with 10 people in it...who's dear husband ran over to pick her up on a commercial during the sporting event...WE LOVE YOU!! Thank you for showing us your monkey...underwear!!

Here is a link to the tickets for my gig on May 31st at the Flying Beaver Pubaret...my long time friend and cabaret mentor, Mark Cassius will be guesting.

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/373597
 

Oh, the fun we will have.

No matter who comes.

:)

Well, people, I have to go and find my car....

Here are some shots from last night's AWESOME Happening.....

 

Cooch!!!

Crackpuppy!!!

Helene

Jazz!!

Van and Jason!!!

Wendy!!!