The Weirdest Flight I Have Ever Had...and THAT is saying something...

The view out of my West Jet Window...which I stared at a lot...

I remember when I was young and I saw women at the airport with their smart carry ons... their spiffy travel outfits, almost always featuring a jaunty scarf...and I would wonder where they were going...and I wished as hard as I could that I would get to travel to interesting places someday.
Well, that wish came true...how thankful am I?
Truly.
And I am so used to traveling with an accompanist/friend or Georgie that when I strike off on my own it is strange... but exciting...I feel in charge and grown up...YES...I know I am well past the grown up stage...but there is something about traveling on ones own that I find thrilling...you never know what is gonna happen.
This week I am flying to Calgary en route... en route?...yes, en route to Banff....I LOVE BANFF!!
And I love working at the Banff Centre...four years ago I did a workshop there and out of two weeks I worked a total of 12 hours...it was magical...not that I don’t love work or anything...the work was also magical...YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...Patty Jamieson was also there and had the same schedule...and she is a organizer...and so she took care of all our plans...which was pretty awesome and freeing for me...we had mad good times...and we DID NOT get in the way of any Elk...because it was rutting season and Kelly Robinson told us if we did we would be gored...yes, he said GORED. That word was enough to keep us away from the hangouts of the Elk.
This visit I will be working with The Young Canadians.
How excited am I?
My pal Lisa was in the Young Canadians when she was growing up here in Calgary and she carries very fond memories of her time...they are a hard working group of young (obviously) singers and dancers who travel all over doing their singing and dancing thing...and my pal from Canada Sings, Scott Henderson, is on their faculty and asked me to come out and work with them...and that Kelly Konno is going to be here too!! What? Yes, how cool.
So, today George dropped me off at the airport with my new Swiss Army luggage that I got at Winners (I bought the small and large bag...and then waited for two weeks until the middle one went on sale...yes, that is who I am...surprised?...I thought not...I figured if it sold while I was bidding my time, waiting for the price to lower...I was not meant to have it... JUST like that “if you love something let it go” statement...sort of...) anyhow, I  walked into the airport...with my jaunty woolen scarf on...and spent an extra $45 to upgrade my seat...as a treat to myself. Who does not want more leg room, I ask you? And the chance to get on the plane first...for someone like myself THAT is almost worth it alone.
Even though, when I got into the preboarding line some arsehole budded in front of everyone...very casually.
I hate people like that...BUT, because I wanted to be easy going and not get in an arguement I let it go...and just stewed...which is almost more satisfying.
THAT is also who I am.
ANYHOW, West Jet rocks.
Oh,also, don’t tell George, bought myself a pair of ear phones that block out surrounding sound...I don’t really need them...we have both have earphones...but it was an impulse buy that I still feel bad about...LET IT GO, Matthews.
LET IT GO!
And, as of right now, I am pretty glad I did buy them.
Anyhow, I digress...as I usually do...THAT is also also who I am.
I got on the plane...got my luggage stowed over my seat (satisfying)...gave the line- budder the stink eye (also satisfying)...and then as the plane filled up...and it did fill up...the flight was packed...the two seats beside me remained empty...could it be...NO IT COULD NOT.
Just before the doors closed a young woman in a fuchsia pink, size minus two Canada Goose Down Jacket got on the plane with her hoser boy toy...and they LOUDLY sat down beside me...her coat was all over me...she complained loudly that there was no room for their luggage near their seats (come on time) and when she saw her TV was dark, she pointed at it and said to her lunk head boy/man, “Well, watch me get a free flight...”.
She then called the LOVELY stewardess over and said...very grossly..., “Is this gonna work...or do I have to complain?” AND the stewardess said, “If you see the button on your armrest it will turn it on.”...and she smiled and walked away. And I smiled and got my new ear phones...my external sound reducing earphones. I listened to many many songs whilst reading my Vanity Fair on my IPAD (FANCY!!! That is what I feel like solo traveling ladies back in the 70’s woulda done) and watched, out of the corner of my eye, Mean Girl and Lunk Head drink...and drink...and drink...I must have really zenned out...because about two hours into the flight I saw Mean Girl start to gesticulate wildly with her hands...knocking her drink into my lap...just missing my IPAD.
HERE is a place where I could have gotten truly pissed off...but still...trying to relax and be peaceful...I smiled and said it was fine as her gin and juice soaked it way down my tights into my crotch...such a pleasant feeling...opposite day. (Not really pleasant at all)
But I saw that her make up was all down her face...and when I pulled off my earphones I noticed that everyone around us was very attentive to our row.
It was in the next few minutes that I realized they were super drunk...and breaking up...loudly...agressively...and in great detail.
I was torn.
Torn between truly not caring, wanting them to just shut it...and being really intrigued and wanting to use it for art/comedy/fodder later.
So I put my earphones back on...slowly pulling the one off of the ear that they could not see.
Yes, that is also me.
I am so many things...
He asked her why she had not been “affectionate” in so long...
She said it had only been a month.
He said two.
She then counted back...
She said he was a criminal...and so was his family.
He said his criminal family paid for her trip to Toronto, to the spa and for the boots she was obsessively spit cleaning for the entire flight (finger on boot that is on the ground most of the time...finger into mouth...over and over...gross).
She said he better get that this was it.
He said he got it.
He then said he is a great boyfriend and wanted to show her how much he loved her.
She said that he was a shit boyfriend who would probably go to jail.
And then they just kept saying the same things over and over again as he told her over and over again to stop crying.
Which she was doing...loudly...with me basically sitting in their laps...with my wet, gin soaked crotch...and new earphones...
I had almost forgotten about budding-in-line guy. (almost)
I then realized that I had to use the ladies room.
I was afraid to move because I didn’t want them to notice that I existed.
But a gal has got to go.
So, I get out...and when I get to the bathroom I look at the lovely stewardess who is standing there and she just touches my arm and says that she feels bad for me...and tells me that they had stopped serving them about an hour before...but that they had brought little bottles of booze with them...and that they would change my seat but the flight is full.
I had not said a word...
I looked back, out into the plane and  almost EVERYONE is looking at me with a sad, very Canadian, apologetic look (NOT BUDDING GUY...who is a-fucking-sleep...jack ass...you can’t write this stuff) on their faces.
All I can think is, “God, these new earphones were an amazing purchase”...I barely heard anything until she spilled her G and J on me.
Anyhow, I stood at the front for about 10 minutes...and then sat back down.
They fought for the REST OF THE FLIGHT.
And when the flight was over, and we were near the gate she bolted and tried to get off...begging the lovely stewardess to open the door...while the lovely stewardess told her she had to wait till we were attached to the loading platform.
Without ANY of her stuff.
Lunk Head could barely look me in the eye as I walked by.
Mean Girl called me honey, slurred how sorry she was...and tried to touch me...ew.
I made it out alive.
THAT was the weirdest...most intriguing...and irritating flight of my life.
I am now at a wonderful hotel...I ate and Alberta Beef Burger with a lovely salad...tomorrow morning I am in van to Banff...I am looking forward to traveling again.
Who KNOWS what might happen!
Me in my jaunty scarf, with my bargain/wonderful luggage and the best new earphones in the world.

The Beautiful Sunset I looked at as Mean Girl cried.

My present Calgary view!!

2014 - RUDE EFFING PEOPLE, Lump In Breast, Egg Salad Sandwiches and London Road.

2014 has already been a lot of things...so many things...ups...downs...thrills...spills... awesome people...douche bags...it is just now February and I have, quite literally, seen it ALL!

1. The short but incredibly sweet “Freezing and Fabulous Northern Tour”.

SIDEBAR: Thanks to Ari Weinberg and all who contributed to the Facebook discussion of what the tour should be called...god, how I loves the internets...which, incidentally, was something we did not have for TWO DAYS up north... or phone service...for two days. Shiver. SIDEBAR ENDED.

I was driving myself and Cooch (Chris Tsujiuchi: Co-pilot and navigator, friend and accompanist...and passenger seat rider for some of the most biblical weather two traveling music makers have ever seen) in the rented Jeep Patriot (solid four wheel drive) on the same roads that they film "Ice Trucks" on...swear to jesus. I would look in my rear view mirror and see the road shimmering and white. BUT then we got to do shows for some awesome, people in the north... so lovely...Geraldton had a reception for us after...I thought it was for everyone in the audience but it turned out it was just for Cooch and I...magical little egg salad sandwiches and potato chips dipped in chocolate...thanks Geraldton!! (We put the extra sandwiches in the glove box and by the next day they were frozen solid like the heart of Vladmir Putin...that’s his name, right?)
And after the 6 HOUR drive to Manitouwadge the next day, we arrived just in time for a home cooked meal and 40 minutes to spare before the next show...I just kept saying to Cooch, don’t let me sit down...or LIE down. The show was awesome...Amber 11 and Mackenzie, also 11, were at the packed audience...they were excellent audience members...and when I asked them if they wanted to hear a story about something and they said, NO...I congratulated them on their honesty and they brought them up onstage for the rest of the show...where they very well behaved after that...much to their guffawing parent’s chagrin....I just said “guffaw” and “chagrin” in the same sentence...fancy...and I must be 100 years old.
Then a few days later...after a long ride and flight back to TO, we got into another rental...the biggest ever...it was an Escalade knock off...and drove to the wonderful town of Peterborough. OH, I have performed there and I truly love every visit...this one included.
FREEZING AND FABULOUS concluded...happily done...glad the fucking driving was OVER!!!
Oh, and as I was on my way to Peterborough, the Escalade knock off, whose bluetooth system was so fancy I hooked my phone up to it, well, the on board phone rang and the “Albany Clinic” came up on the screen. My heart started to beat...and I hung it up. And then I freaked out quitely while Cooch figured out the on board media system and played awesome songs for me...we pulled over to get a coffee and I went into the bathroom and called the Clinic...the Clinic where my doctor is...where I had just had my physical done...including a mammogram...

2. Repeat Mammogram and Ultrasound after my Physical

For the second time in my life, I had to go for a mammogram that accompanies the  physical after you are 40. So much to look forward to young ladies, huh? (Again, as I always say, if you wonder what a mammogram feels like open your fridge, stick your head in the door and open and slam it shut about 500 times). AND for the second time in my life I had to go back for a second mammogram and ultrasound due to “irregularities” in my left breast. They actually showed the scan to me this time, the tech telling me that they had new technology, and that because of that they thought it was showing up as being shaped differently...she pointed to my 2011 mammogram and my 2014 mammogram with the irregularity circled on both...obviously a different shape on both...and she continued to talk with me as I stood topless and covered my boobs with my hands and became faint.
Lord.
Truly.
I had to sit down and they got me a glass of water.
She said, “It was probably nothing”.
But then, as Helga, the ultrasound lady, chopped away at my boob and underarm with her hand wand, with a very efficient look on her face...seriously, she was terrifying...the phone rang and she answered it, “Speaking”...then paused and listened...and said. “We’ll see” very curtly and hung up the phone...getting back to her work on my boob while cursing under her breath.
There is a huge sign on the way that says, “The technician CANNOT give you results or comment on the ultrasound”....but we all wish, right?
Anyhow, at the end she said in a very businesslike fashion, “The results will be available in a week.” and turned back to her computer signalling that we were done.
I stood and put on my shirt and said, “Thank you.”...even though I didn’t really mean it...even though she did her job in a very professional way...even though I just wanted to cry.
While at the clinic I signed a form that said we could now give out permission to get results over the phone.
So, a week later, as I stood, ironically, topless,  in the gym change room...my cell rang...I saw the Albany Clinic on the screen...and though I never usually answer my phone in the gym...I answered it...

Ruby: “Sharron, it is Ruby, from Dr.XXXXXX’s office, she looked at your mammogram and it is normal.”
Me: (pause...pause...pause...try to catch my breath and get my shit together.)
Me: (As I begin to cry) Thank you, Ruby.
Ruby: Are you alright, Sharron?
Me: (pause...pause...pause...) Yup.
Ruby: I am gonna go...take care, Sharron.

I know it is a small thing in regards to the problems that can happen with lumps and bumps...tumours...and scares...but it was scary all the same.
Now, I have to go every year...and George says it will be clear every year.
Get your physical and your mammogram, ladies.
Scary...but worth it.
SIDEBAR: Though I knew I had to go back for the follow up while I did my Peterborough show, I managed to not think about it and have a wonderful time...truly.

3. London Road at Canadian Stage

I do not do a lot of theatre anymore...I mostly do my own shows...but I will never get over my head over heels, mushy, love affair with musical theatre. I just love it. And when everyone was abuzz about the auditions for London Road, I took one look at the music and thought, “Hell NO!”.
The cast that was assembled?
Stellar.
The time to learn one of the hardest things I have ever seen?
5 weeks.
Days used to learn all the music?
Every day of 5 weeks.
George...my George... was cast in the show and vicariously I live through him and all the dear people in the show, as they go through this once in a lifetime experience...the kind of experience that we all dream about. And they don’t mind that I am the biggest groupie ever. I try to stay quiet and just be in the background sometime...but I am so jealous of the whole thing...in the best possible way.
They are so good.
It is one of the best things I have ever seen.
People are going back 2 and 3 times.
I have will have seen it four times by the time it closes on Sunday the 9th.
George is amazing...he is almost unrecognizable to me in his character work...all of them.
They all play 62 characters...they sing the high holy shit out of it...the band, led by Reza Jacobs is out of this world...the direction by Jackie Maxwell...perfect...the set...the lights...the sound...the crew...the stage managers...just everything. They are just everything.
Do you get how lordy I am for this, yet?
Not that this is about me at all...this show...but I am so inspired by it...it makes me want to do a show...a musical theatre show...it makes me want to tell more complete and fearless stories.
Thanks to all involved for this wonderful gift.
If you have not seen it...you have 4 more chances.
Do yourself a favour of the heart and soul...
We moved to TO for 10 weeks so George could do this show...it is not a secret that George walks with a cane and is scheduled for a hip replacement at the end of March...so I came with him for many reasons...besides the fact that I want to spend every day with him...but we have a home in Stratford and a dog...both of who are right now being minded by a very dear friend...the main reason I came was to make sure George to get places and get what he needed...we were staying in a sublet close to the theatre...


4. I Don’t Even Know How to Title This...but PEOPLE ARE RUDE!!

But a couple of weeks ago, many of you will remember that George and I put up on FaceBook and all social media that we needed a place to move into for the NEXT DAY because of a flood. The flood was caused by a faulty plumbing system and washing machine...the sublet owner’s, not ours.  I was doing my laundry in it, when for the first time, at about 9:30pm at night, it overflowed. Well, it turned out it was running down their walls and into their computer room...I felt horrible for them...I had no idea it was even happening because the machine was so loud I had to close the door to the room  when it was operating (something I had told them about previously...and that was their answer to the problem) so I started to help bail out the machine and wring out the towels for an hour...and I started to think that they were angry at me...and/or blamed me for the flood...and I thought, “I must be wrong and paranoid” while I continued to bail and wring and asked George to come home ASAP.
When G arrived he (while limping the whole time) started to make suggestions about moving furniture...he helped and moved furniture...which he should not have been doing and wrung out towels till the cows came home.
Having had a number of rental properties in our lives, we understand the hardships that can and do happen...the money you have to sink into something...the upkeep that must be attended to...and we know how stressful it all can be. What a gamble it can be.
So, we chalked up their initial mad and angry behavior to stress...and tried to help as best as possible...then they informed us that due to the work that would need to be attended to they needed us out...the next day.
It was 11:00pm.
Before a two show day for George and a drive to Peterborough followed by a show for me...are you, by any chance keeping scores and dates?...I just balked.
And as they went back downstairs George got on the internet and I began to pack our stuff.
We slept a few restless hours and then were fully moved out by 11:00am the next day...we dropped our stuff at a dear person’s place (I was still wearing the pajamas I had bailed that fucking washer in the night before)...where we would stay for four days...till they came back and then we would move to a new place.
The first had an elevator...and the second had many steps...all that George hauled stuff up when I could not do it myself...which I felt horrible about.
NOW!!! I am not boo hooing for your sympathy...truly...just keep following  along...if your intrigued...it gets better....
We were never asked where were going, how...or how we arranged it so fast...but, again, we decided to operate soully on the idea that these people were stressed and not really aware of what was occuring on our end...though their end was surely hellish...we were still in a major bind.
Also, they never offered any compensation for us having to leave two weeks early.
Which was weird...and a bit odd.
But for the sake of the friendship and some other ones connected, we decided to suck it up and shut up.
Now, over a week later...when common sense usually prevails...we got a detailed email...not asking for one second how it goes with us...at all...but telling us what they had to do to renovate and clean up...and THEN asked up to pay part of the insurance deductable...and for cleaning.
Yes...please go back and read that again.
Telling us to drop the money to them in an email.
We paid $500 extra dollars on this move.
You know what I hate...two things...rude people...and holding my tongue...the first seems to happen more and more...and the second, I know this will surprise some of you who know how vocal I can be, is something I have done since I had an experience with being sued...
But you know what?
Fuck it.
What a rude rude rude rude thing to do.
Lacking the littlest bit of common sense.
If you own it...and you don’t do the upkeep...whatever occurs? YOUR FAULT!!
YOU CANNOT ASK SOMEONE TO MOVE OVER NIGHT!!
AND THEN NOT GIVE THEM A REFUND AND YET ASK FOR MORE!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?
So, there you have it.
2014 in a nutshell...
OH! And I did some voice work, and auditions, went to the gym, had lots of meetings, saw lots of movies, hung out with great friends...moved 3 times...drove though northern ontario...had a mammogram scare...did 3 shows...loved George’s show...and then had to deal with some douchebaggery.
BUT that is living, I guess.
How was your month?