Last Day of Workation. Sigh. BACK RUB ALL OVER!

This is the breakfast I made myself this morning...I had to take a picture because George will never believe I made it.
I can't cook...thank god he is coming home...I am so sick of my own cooking I could scream.
(Please know that the whole time I write this I am procrastinating packing...and doing work...work that needs to be done before I midnight...lord...)

So, I stayed up super late night...though I went to bed at 10:00pm.
I think I am trying to soak up all the down time I have left. This month has been...it has been fabulous, a challenge, sleepy and snowy...
I read in bed...luxurious...but then when I did nod off...the dogs...knowing something is up...paced a lot through the night...that makes me think that there is ....

A: A ghost in my house
B: A murder in my house
C: They are both preparing to go downstairs and sit on our fancy couch...while I am sleeping.
D: All of the Above. (Which, you have to admit...would make for a good story)

Yesterday, I am rewinding my day...so I can procrastinate through another story...I went for a massage...my second this week...fancy...but I have to tell you...I feel a bit dirty about it.
Not in a "happy ending" kind of way...but...okay...so...I booked  a massage at one of the places I like here in the country...it is a spa...and I guess I wasn't clear that I wanted a RMT for the masseuse...because when I arrive my regular pedicure lady...young lady, really...was waiting for me...when I expressed that I thought it was amazing that she was also a Registered Massage Therapist...she blushed...and said, "No, I do light touch massage..."...me said, "What is that..."...she said something like, "It is a form of massage that does not go deep...it is like a good backrub...all over...." And here is where I remember back...far back...to when I was but a young single gal...and when someone told you they were gonna give you a backrub all over....well, we all know what happens next.
But because I didn't want to make her feel bad (she does a fine pedicure...) I went in the room and disrobed...and felt like Coco from Fame.
You all know what I mean.
Cause, come on! If it doesn't have a medical purpose...it might as well be a rub and tug, right?
WELL!!!
Let me tell you something my friends...IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST RELAXING THINGS I HAVE EVER HAD....DONE!!!
Oh my god.
I was so relaxed I drooled all over the pillow...and I am glad I didn't fall asleep because I would probably have snored and tooted...
I felt naughty...I am not sure why...it was very decadent...but wholesome, people.
I felt like a fancy lady in ancient Rome...er something.
Naughty and relaxed.
So, great!!!
I could not wait to go again...and I did yesterday...and because I knew what I was getting it was EVEN BETTER!!!
And I didn't have someone pounding into my back...like I was a professional athlete!
I am NOT A FOOTBALL PLAYER PEOPLE!!!
Just a producer/writer/performer...who would like a BACK RUB ALL OVER!!
Is that so wrong?

Anyhow, I start a project on Monday.

A big new fabulous project.
 I am very excited...and nervous...and excited.
The funny thing is...as I started to prepare and do the pre-production work for this project I felt a great deal of pre anxiety that I had to get it all right...I have to think of everything...I have to...I can't....I have to...I have to WIN...we know this place...this is a place where you can get stuck and all of the good creative energy goes out the window...you write, arrange, sing and create from a place of fear.
But I was inspired...because...though these people don't know it...they ALL...in the same 10 minutes...wrote something inspired, spirited and positive on the old FACEBOOK feed...and they were all people from the teams I had the great honour to work with last year on season one of Canada Sings.

"Chase your fears. That's what they're there for. " 

 -posted by Graham, 1-800-Got-Junk

"The only person that can kill your DREAMS is YOU! Nothing comes easy...sweeter the reward"-  posted by Nancy, Scarborough Hospital 

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do." Goethe - posted by Sam, Lone Wolf Real Estate

What a true pleasure it was to do this job, my fave job ever...and the people I worked with just inspire me every day with their journeys.
I have seen a lot of them during the past year and marvel at their zest, balls and enthusiasm.
Maybe they were this way before and didn't know it ( I believe this) but they all tell me....they are now singing all the time...when it was just something they did in their showers...they are trying new things that have nothing to do with performing...they are seeking out adventure...they have taken something that they did for charity...with no huge outcome for themselves (aside from the knowledge that they had done something for their fellow man) and turned it into something to more.
They want to try and do new things...they are creative with their lives...and fearless.
It is a great happiness that we have kept in touch and I can watch what they are doing on the FACEBOOK.
Well, if these fabulous people can be fearless...so can I.

I have had an amazing time already...and now...in two days...I will begin...with my dearest pal, Christian...travel the country and work with and meet new people...what a gift.

I am truly excited.

And now, in honour of this journey...and the closing of the Seussical in Edmonton (they killed it out there) I would like to repost one of my fave videos...let us all go out and BE BRAVE.
And if it doesn't go the way we planned...plans are just a suggestion...aren't they?

Things that are true. Stratford Workation Week 4.

WEEK 4!?!
Holy crap.
Where did the time go.
These are some things I found to be true today.

1. I type on my IPAD like a Gramma...with both of my pointing fingers...yes, I know some people call these fingers your index fingers...I find that boring.

2. Patience is a virtue. (Thanks To Gramma for that...the Gramma who I type like)

3. Karma is a bitch...and sometimes requires patience...which is a virtue

4. Some songs fit together like a puzzle...others require patience(see above)and a good long...long...long...think

5. When you hold open a door for a dude in Stratford, sometimes they take the unlit cigarette out of their mouth and ask..."How are you doing?" somewhat suggestively. Which, when you are bundled in down from head to toe...seems very strange.

6. After viewing a movie called "Contagion" tonight I have learned that the selfish Gwyneth Paltrow started an epidemic because her company is ruining the rain forests...and then going for Dim Sum.

7. Nate Berkus' show is super boring. Like super boring.

8. Wishes that more people had the courage of their convictions...including myself...and wishes that walking the walk went with talking the talk.

9.  I watched The Talk today. It was amusing....that moderator woman has ENORMOUS hair...I wonder if she has seen her profile...it looks like she is wearing a space helmet.

10. Why is Nate Berkus still on my TV...

11. Cannot wait (but is trying to exercise patience...which is a virtue) for George to come home. He is the best guy in the world. Like, the whole world.

12.  What other people say about us...is none of our business.

13. I should be sleeping....zzzz.

Toddlers and Tiaras...is it the end of the world...?

Or is it just me.

I have watched a few shows lately that have made me peer outside the door to see if the four horsemen...that's what it is right? Four horsemen? To see if they are taking a ride down my street.

One show that I watched for 10 minutes, and crapped over, was a show that they call, "Dance Moms"...for the record...all of these Dance Moms should be ashamed of themselves. Fighting amongst each other...bitching at their kids...putting them in bad circumstances...living out their own dreams of grandeur...yah, I said it...grandeur through their kid...it is gross. And I turned it off...thankfully.

I HATE they shows where Moms are being shitty to their kids.

But then...every once in a while I am trolling through the TV online guide and I see an ad for Toddlers and Tiaras and I feel my interest being peaked...and though my mind screams, "No!!!"...my remote finger says, "Oh hells yes!!". Which sounds dirty...but it is not.

And there I am...watching Moms put their daughters in outfits like this...

The Mom dressed her daughter...as a hooker...and after she said ( the mother did)...."I might have made a bad decision"....DO YA THINK!?!?!?
She is dressed as a hooker...okay, it is a hooker with a heart of gold and all....but still...I wonder what Julia Roberts thinks of playing that role now.
Huh.
Anyhow...I am all warm and cozy in my house in Stratford thinking..."Well, how bad can it be this week...."

I would like to write out a direct quote from one of the mothers on the show right now...I have paused it...and I would like to inform you that this statment was made as mostly a voice over while the father is shaving the 3 year old's eyebrows...the kid looks terrified...


"We want to start her out young, teaching her not that she needs make up and hair to be pretty but you're ultimately going to get married and have kids and so I think pagents are one way to teach her to dress well and do those things that her husband needs. Because, you know, I mean that is a need a man has in his life. And I want my girls to give that to their husband like I want to give it to my husband."

I would like to pause here while I peer out my front window again...
Nothing.
Huh.


Lady...you are kooka.
This is the same woman that said to the camera...while gluing eyelashes onto her daughter...again, a 3 year old daughter...and got some glue in her eye and the kid just howled..."You can love pagents AND you can love Jesus"...I wonder if Jesus likes false eyelashes and boob enhancers...for 3 year olds.

I gotta turn it off...I can't support this...these bitches are crazy..

Just 3 more minutes...I am going to hell...or maybe heaven...I hope Jesus is dressed like a drag queen.

2 Things...One pic and an extended thought...

The above is a screen capture from a skype conversation between  Michael Hughes, Sara Farb and I. For some reason Micke and I are incredulous...who knows why? But I love it...he was just here and yet it was two mash ups ago.
Film at 11:00.

The next thing is an extended thought that I just workshopped on Facebook...but some people aren't on Facebook....so here you go...have a great night....

Holy effing mashing sleeping not sleeping songs running through my head on endlessssss looping chicken and hummus and carrots and peas for dinner 3 diet cokes later 8 dog boots and 2 human boots back aching thrilled to meet deadline wanna pass out and eat a cow...best thing I learned today...I learned from Orin Isaacs "I can play it singer-songwriter style"...THAT IS A STYLE!!! THAT WILL SAVE ME MILLIONS OF HOURS OF DESCRIBING. Millions.

Two in one day! Bullying and Bad Behaviour.

 Bullying and the Bad Behavior of Grown Ass People.

I always thought when I grew up it would go away.
That grown ups were better behaved, smarter and kinder.
Like my favourite friend’s (who was actually quite shitty to me) parents.
Who I thought were so awesome...they wore Moo Moos and went to Egypt. They were so cool.
I don’t know what that has to do with anything...but it bears mentioning.
Now that I think about it, they probably had key parties.
Anyhow.
How fucking sad was I when I discovered it is actually worse when you get older...and more insidious.
Bullying does happen when you are an adult...BUT there is no parental intervention and/or school principal intervention.
You are kinda on your own.
Like really on your own sometimes.
Because you can’t really ask for help...people fear that it may make them seem weak.
I have even tried to talk someone I love out of standing up to a bully...because it just seemed easier at the time.
Shame on me.
And no one really talks about it.
And people suffer in silence.
I look at Rob Ford and his ways of pushing people around...some that have been caught on video, all of which are in the media...and I thought, “If this happened in high school or university he would have been expelled.”
What happens when you do it as an adult?
You get elected Mayor of Toronto.
Excellent message.
And the bad behavior of grown ass people.
There is a strange generational thing happening that gives me great pause.
This “entitled”, “don’t fuck with me, I’m awesome”, “I can get anything even if I don’t work hard”, “I deserve the stars even though I have not earned them”, “I don’t care what bridges I burn all I care about is who can get me jobs” attitude that stops people from really examining their actions, or thinking before they speak or looking inside themselves. They are entitled to greatness, jobs, money...you name it...simply by being born.
Fuck everyone else.
Right?
Now, don’t get me wrong.
The message in all of my work...I love it when I call it my work...it sounds so fancy...but it is my work all the same...my life's work...the message has been “You can do it”, “You are awesome the way you are”, “Keep digging and climbing people...because there is gold at the bottom of that effing big hole and that fucking high mountain.”
That is my message because that is what I have always needed to hear myself...that success is the hopeful end of all my journeys. Affirmations are everything. I tell myself these things every day. Some people think they are stupid...but many an affirmation has gotten me through a tough day.
BUT I do not think success should come at the expense of another’s happiness and/or well being.
I do not think it will come without hard work.
And I certainly don’t feel like I am entitled to a career.
There are too many people working like fucking dogs for their future for me to think that I can just pop in and say, “Here I am, bitches...where is my glory? Huh?”.
And, may I say here...before you think I am ageist...there are many, many young and younger people who work their asses off for their chosen career and/or passion. (Don’t you love it when the girls on America’s Next Top Model talk about it being their passion...it is one of my favourite things)
But in that same generation exist the Entitled Many, and maybe I am wrong and it not just a generation...because I have seen the same behavior in people who are older...it just seems to be more prevalent now.
Am I wrong?
Is it just me seeing this?
I also believe, and have witnessed, that when you combine the bad behavior, sometimes mix in a lack of experience and add some hubris...a whole new bully is born.
A bully who believes they are not a bully....that they are simply ‘right’.
Who is entitled to the world.
Chilling.
A bully who lives a life at the expense of others...because they are number one...and anyone who questions that fact is trying to “Bring Them Down!”.
(Rob Ford vs. Toronto Star)
Can you picture this person as anyone in your life?
And it is easier to placate people like this...because going up against them is just gonna make everyone’s life a living hell.
They will not back down, they will convince themselves that anything they do or believe is the right thing.
And they, usually, have the loudest voice.
Right?
So, what do we do?...grin an bear it.
We sometimes watch these people be bullies to others and we are just so fucking happy it isn’t us that we hug them, we laugh with them and then we say, “Fucking whew.” when the day is over.
Huh.
I have done it...I have closed the door at the end of a long day and thought, “Thank god that wasn’t me.”
I will try not to do it again.
Because I can see what it does to people, it can be quite horrible and can undermine an entire work place...and if we don’t do anything...it leads Hubra-Bully (yup, I said it)  to get worse, to feel like they are right...to believe their behavior is justified..and then it leads to something worse for the next person who is unlucky enough to get caught up with them.
We wait for someone else to take care of it.
Now, I am not saying that we should hurt this person...I just believe that they need to be called on their behavior...and...if we are all lucky...maybe they can see the error of their ways...maybe they can help themselves...who fucking knows, right?
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
I just think...if I can’t stand bullying against children...why do I tolerate it in adults?
Just sayin’
Rant done.

Dog boots and Bradley Cooper's eyes

I thought that, maybe, because these dogs came from the Humane Society that they might be a bit tougher than our sweet Otto, but one minute in the snow at the park and Cassie had two feet in the air...one front and one back...which is challenging, as you might imagine...and Tyson had his ball in his mouth with frozen drool leaking out of the side...and he was sitting on his ass with both front feet in the air...and I could not get my camera fast enough....god damn it.
In Toronto, they have to wear boots because of the DEMON salt on the sidewalks...it is horrible...but here in the country...the sand...fancy.
Anyhow...
I went back to the house...you know...when you move...you can't find a fucking, fucking, fucking thing...
So, we piled back into the truck and went to visit Auntie Christine at Global Pet...then were booted and filled with pigs ears (exactly what it sounds like...but not as barbaric in person) and treats and here they are.

Goodness gracious.
All that is holy and cute.
We were so exhausted after all of this we only went to the park for a while...but looked cute while doing it.
Imagine the thought of preparing to put on 10 boots before a walk...including your own...jesus wept...and then asked what the title for my show was this year....
Ah, Jesus...you will just have to be patient.


Lord, I have some big secret news...


Anyhow...I watched the Golden Globes last night...I PVR'd them thank goodness...because...snore....zzzzz


Here are a few thoughts...some I have already workshopped on the Facebook....


1. What in the name of all that is holy was Meryl Streep wearing...jesus lord in the heavens.

2. Did you see when Meryl won and Glenn Close looked pissed...and was talking through closed lips to her date...interesting.


3. Ricky Gervais was tamer than last year...sigh...though...I did love when he said Colin Firth was a raging racist...that was funny.


4. Madonna (and we all know how I love her.) can't even articulate a "spontaneous" joke without sounding like she is reading the cereal box without her glasses.


5. How are Bradley Cooper's eyes...so sparkly...how? Huh? How? (Giggles and blushes)


6. Dear Angelina Jolie, Please...please...please....eat something...please.


7. I think George Clooney is the less skanky, more good looking Jack Nicholson of his generation.


8. I love the even Kate Beckensdale couldn't not laugh at Seth Rogen's "massive erection" joke...she tried to be and look  scandalized...but then couldn't stop herself from laughing...love.


9. Oh, William H. Macy and Felicity Huffman...I think your home might be a weird place.


10. What is Johnny Depp's weird accent...what is it? Not french, not british...not mandarin....


11. Do you think Guy Pierce was mad that Peter Dinklage hasn't seen Mildred Pierce? And it is funny that Guy Pierce was IN Mildred Pierce...hee hee.


12. Kate Winslet...I mean...who cares...whatever...not that she is bad or anything...I am just ...zzzzzzzzzz.


13. Is Michelle Williams the size of her child?...she looks like I could fit her in my pocket.


14. The dresses were pretty...except, of course, Meryl's...fave dress? 
Toss up between Charlize...who you can put a fucking burlap bag on and it looks fantastic...

The the hystorical Sofia Vergara....fuck she is some good looking....

That is all I've got.
Have a fabulous day all!

Michael Hughes and the crash that woke the world...except for him.

So, Michael Hughes and I stayed up till 3:00am every morning for the last three nights...like we are in university or something.

Like sorority gals.

(For the record he has jumped out of various corners and scared the shit out of me about three times...once I peed my pants a bit...I am 43, after all.)

BUT last night I made a plan to go to bed as early as possible...because we had to get him to the train station at 8:15am-ish.

(He had bought a Balzacs, in advance, for this early morning journey.)

Then at 1:30am I turned to Michael and said, "If you can find something awesome to watch, I will stay up...", and he turned to me from the place he has sat on the couch...for the last three days...and said, "I'm on it!"

Oh Meryl Streep...two movies in one day...It's Complicated...and then the last 45 minutes of effing Devil Wears Prada.

Yes.

Meryl, you are an acting machine.

3:15am we went to bed...the puppies and me in our room and Michael Hughes in the "Sara Farb" room...as he calls it...

Then at about 4:35am there was a holy crash right beside my head...I jerked up in bed...my heart beat through my chest...I thought a plane had flown into the wall beside my bed...

I leaned over and saw the entire end table beside me...and it is huge...on its side...and everything on the ground...my phone in two pieces...my fucking IPAD...everything....and there is Tyson...with the whole night table leaning on his head...you see... this is where Tysons sleeps...
 

I guess he got up and turned around in his sleep and his collar got caught on one of the door knobs behind him on the side table. The poor thing...I dislodged him, checked him over...gave him a pat and sent him to Cassies' bed (which is twice as big) and then began the job of cleaning up and righting everything.
IPAD...unbelievably fine...Blackberry...fine with a cracked screen....fabulous Babushka lady jar that holds my water...smashed...lamp okay....dogs...shaking...Michael Hughes...asleep.
WHAT THE FUCK??
His room is about 5 feet away from mine.
I cannot believe it.
I go and get a rag and the broom from downstairs...and still cannot believe that he sleeps on.
After I have finished fixing up the room I get into bed and look into the cracked screen of my Blackberry and see that I received a text....I click it.
Here is the exchange.

And if you can't read backwards...here is what it says...


Michael Hughes: Is everything okay?
Sharron : You are a mess...oh my god....
Michael Hughes: Are you sleepwalking? I am scared.


And I starting laughing so hard...so fucking hard...then I went to his room and he looked like Sydney (Neve Campbell) during the last 10 minutes we had watched of Scream 4 two nights previous...
He came out and gave Tyson and Cassie a pat.
He had not heard a thing...until I went downstairs...
I heard him muttering..."Thank god this wasn't a fire drill..."
I don't think my dear Michael is meant for country life.
Like Zsa Zsa.
Here is Michael "playing with Tyson" at the park...

Can you see the fear in his poor face....
But my dear friend Michael was totally game to come up to "Stratford House" as he calls it...and keep me company.
And he did.
And it was a challenging week...I got some shitty news...and Michael kept me laughing and going through it all.
He is a very good friend.
I am sad to see him go.
Don't get me wrong...I am already back in bed and neither of us showered for three days...but I will miss him.
Very much.
Safe travels, Micke.
You deaf son of a bitch.

Chicken carsass, Vet, Michael Hughes and youtube.

Two days ago Tyson, the big dog...this dog....

The one with the bigger head....decided to eat a chicken carcass out of the garbage.

FOR THE RECORD we are very careful about these things and put them outside in the garbage pail ASAP but every once in a while, the dogs being so great (and really just biding their time waiting for something awesome) you slip.

I went out and when I came back....garbage carpet in the kitchen.

Cassie (the dog who is on the bottom of the above pic) as far away from it as she can get...shaking and him...just sitting against the fridge, drooling....with nary a care...with a look that says, "Yell at me all you want....totally worth it."

So, the waiting game begins.

He, of course because his tummy is quite sensitive, gets some hives...and one is bigger than usual...off to the vet.

Let me remind you, for those who read along just humour me, those of you who are new...taking Tyson to the vet is like taking a four legged drunk dude, who has all of his power in his chest and is abnormally strong, out of a bar.

There is spinning and turning...there is a cry that is reserved specifically for the vet.

He shivers and shakes and stares at me.

It is a sad sight, to be sure.

Anyway...they poked around at him...did a biopsy on the bump, told me they'd call me and sent me on my way.

It was like a bad date, really.

Now it (the bump) looks worse than it did before...and it cost me...wait for it.... 200 fucking dollars.

I usually pretend the cost doesn't affect me...I have no idea why I do this...but I said, "Can you itemize that for me."

WHAT THE FUCK?

That is...wow.

Then we went to the train station to pick up Michael Hughes.

He came up to keep my older country bones company...sweet, right?

I think his mother thinks I have brought him up here to chain him in my basement and make him my cougar love slave.

I will try to control myself...promise.

I do wonder what my neighbours in the hood (who are very aware of the surrounds) think of me traipsing around with a younger man...it will make an awesome rumour...to be sure!

So, after a fabu lunch at York Street Kitchen and a visit to RKilts to say hi to Robert Pel we came back to Stratford House (that is what Michael calls it...it sounds all "A Little Night Music") and watched youtube, looked at Damn You Auto Correct and a bunch of other things for hours...hours...I laughed so hard I tooted...yes, you heard it here, people.

Today was the first day I took off from working on a big project...and it was nice to just piddle time away.

So....here is the champ of all the Youtube clips...the one that made me toot....

And here is my fave Damn You Auto Correct....

Night to all!!!

Good night Michael Hughes!!! The basement is almost ready for you....

PMS, Larry David and the Grocery line. Week Two in Stratford.

Is the self serve line at the grocery store any faster?
Is it?
Is it any faster when you are PMSing?
And when something that you are trying to scan won't go through and you turn and look at the girl in charge of the self serve section and she is doing her upmost best to not see you and you then curse really horribly and the guy next to you scanning a bag of Lays is staring at you and his kid who is...well, as we have established earlier this week I cannot judge age....let us say 8...and is sitting in his dad's cart and immediately repeats my swear...is it really your fault?
Is it?
I have a headache.
(George is so happy to be in another province...)

But here are two videos that made me smile this morning.

One via the sweet Mary Walsh....




And the second I saw on Shawn Wrights feed...I wonder who Shawn's  fave is ...Harvey or Tim...I wonder if young people are looking at this and wondering who Harvey and Tim are...





Oh, and if I see one more of those stupid knock offs  of "Shit Girls Say" I am going to freak out.
Have a good day.

CAN YOU HELP SHAUNA FIND SARGE?

Dear Friends,

I got up and wrote a blog about garbage tags this morning and then went to look at my Facebook feed and see that Sarge is still missing.
Sarge is a fabulous English Bulldog who is the best friend and constant companion of Shauna Black who lives in Toronto.
While out of town in northern Bracebridge, Ontario, on January 6th in the midafternoon, Sarge wandered away from the place where Shauna was staying.
Ever since, she has been combing the area where he went missing, setting up groups to find him, calling newpapers, shelters, schools, stores, making posters and generally exhausting every resource she can (and herself, I am sure)  to find to best friend.
Everyday a group of people from all around take the bus to Barrie and Shauna picks them up, they drive to Bracebridge and they look for Sarge.
The social media community has been reposting and sharing info far and wide....literally thousands of people are looking for Sarge.
Today she is trying to locate a diver to find Sarge...because, whatever the end (thinking he may have wandered onto the nearby lake and fallen in), Shauna wants to know where Sarge is.

Can you help in any way?

Here is the Facebook Group:

Help Find Sarge The English Bulldog

http://www.facebook.com/events/125428930900180/#!/pages/Help-Find-Sarge-the-English-Bulldog-ONTARIO/226712340742166

Information can come from far away places...from strange places...with odd connections...someone might see some way they can help...you never know what can happen!

Sometimes people find dogs and take them in...that is what may have happened...but for him to get back to Shauna they have to know who Sarge is...so...spread the work...repost this blog, share the group, send this poster in an email, link it on your facebook page,  because it takes one or two moments...and could make a big difference to two lives.

What do you say people?

Help Bring SARGE HOME!!!!

Now, watch this vid below and see how far they can travel and how long it can take sometimes...there is always hope.



Best,
Sharron

Week Two: Stratford Garbage Tags and Tebow...with a bit of Beyonce

So, I had to get up at 9:30am...suck it, judgers...I got home late...and I don't have kids...and I am on a workation...vayworktion...you know what I mean...9:30am is effing early...I had to get up because we have a lot of garbage (because we were away so long I forgot what day garbage day was...I wonder if that is like Maggie Smith's character from Downton Abbey not knowing what a weekend was...I have never watched the show...that is the only reference I know...but it sounds like a new "Golden Girls" as far as I can tell.).
In Stratford you need garbage tags to get said garbage picked up.
Did I have garbage tags...no.
So, I hop in the car (in my pajamas...like the people I always judge) and get to the store and ask for 10...so I don't have to go back again for a while.
The lady behind the counter smiles nervously and tells me that she can only sell me 5.
I guess the look on my face was enough because her eyes widened and she very quickly added, "But I'll sell you ten!!! I'll sell you ten!!!"
Why the fuck would the City of Stratford decide that we are so crazy that we should only be allowed to be responsible for 5 garbage tags at a time...what are we gonna do? Trade them for meth?
Anyway.

Here are some things that I can't believe we give a shit about today.

1. Did Beyonce fake her pregnancy and have a baby via surrogate?!
Who gives a shit? So what if she wanted to pretend that she was pregnant? So what if she was pregnant? So what if we all knew she would name her baby something crazy and stupidly silly? It is her ( and by "her" I mean her stage parents') life.  The thing I am still mad about is how thoughless it was to drop that beautiful bedazzled mike on the ground after she sang "Love On Top" as some awards show and then rubbed her belly!! What a beautiful mic. Forget the kid, I want that mic!!

2. Who the fuck is Tebow? (I know the picture above is someone else with his head added...but it made me laugh). And why does everyone call him Jesus? Who gives a shit? And then I found out...through the google...that he was a football player and I just rolled my eyes. It is football, people. Fucking football. And people judge me for thinking Prince is Jesus...he is way more fucking versatile and talented than Tebow...at least from what I can tell on the google.

Bonnie the papergirl.

Two nights ago I was walking the dogs around Stratford about dusk-ish...god, it gets dark early...and we came around a corner and met a girl...she may be 12, she may be 9...I am, truly, a horrible judge of age...not having any of my own...(I also gave one of my nieces a menu when she was 5..."I can read this, Aunt Sharron!). The girl was in a pink coat with a pink hat...big, huge winter boots and she was pulling along a Radio Flyer filled Beacon Heralds. She looked the three of us over and asked, "Can I pet yowa dogs?"...you see, she has a tiny speech impediment...I wasn't gonna mention it, because I don't mean to mock her...it just made the whole moment so comtemp. Norman Rockwell that I could barely believe it. I say, "Yes, of course."...she starts telling me about her three dogs...and her mom...and I think..."Should she be talking to strangers...isn't having dogs the way scary people pull you in...wow, Sharron you are dark and bit untrusting..." After a while I realized that if I didn't walk away she might not stop...even Cassie had lost interest and was pointing herself as far away from us as possible...did you know that Cassie has a red winter/rain coat that looks like a cape...she looks like a super hero...I digress. So, I wave at the girl, bid her good day and we are back on our way. Today, I come around the same corner, early afternoon and there she is...has she been delivering papers this whole time...did she get into a conversation that didn't stop. She sees us and says, "Can I pet yowa dogs?". For a moment I think she doesn't remember us...but have you seen a pic of my dogs? If I could figure out how to attach a picture to this blog from my IPAD you would see one. Let it be said, they are big, white and quite memorable...the big one weighs 120 pounds...more than my friend Sara Farb. Then she walks up and pets them and says,"Wheya do I know you fwom?". I must have looked stunned and then said, "Well, I met you yesterday with the.....". She interrupts me and says, "Yeah, yeah...I know...but I know yowa voice and yowa face?"...and then she just stares at me. I laugh and say, "Well, I get around..."...what the fuck...then she just keeps staring at me. Uh. Do I...do I list my resume...do I continue on my way.... "Have you ever watched Canada Sings?" "Yah." "Well, I am on that Tv show...." "Oh ya." She continues to stare at me...and then proceeds to talk about her dogs...her mom.... Huh...no glory... Kids will cut you to the quick. I shall call her Bonnie.

One of the best things I have ever seen...thank you, Dr. Seuss.

My Month in Stratford. Week One...Mani, Pedi, Waxi.

So.
I went for a mani, pedi and hairpulling today.
Fancy.
I would like to share with you some of the things I learned.

1. I think people go for a pedicure because it is the one place that you can read Us, People, In Touch and Hello...and no one judges you. ( I got through 6 magazines. Bliss. Oh "Who Wore It Better"...I love you.)

2. I am not too knowledgeable about the bible, but I am pretty sure the Kardashians are one of the signs of the Apocalypse. I thought there were only three daughters...there is like...a million...and there are some boys too.  And here are two words, Bruce Jenner. And here are two scarier words, Kris Jenner.
Check out their Family Christmas Shot.

Right? A whole lotta kooka.

3. I secretly wish I was a Kardashian.

4. My nail colour is called "Mermaid's Tear" from the Pirates of the Caribbean Collection. Me say, "What Collection?", she say, "The Pirates of the Caribbean Collection", me say, "That is fucked. ". she pauses for a second...looks around...and says, "I know, right?"

5. I thought people went for the magazines alone until the foot and leg massage started. I made sounds that are inappropriate. I did.

6. When the same massage happens on your hands...and your face is about a foot and a half away from the manicurist...it can get uncomfortable. I wanted to ask her to stop talking...but that just seemed weird...right? (Is it?)

7. Eyebrow waxing. Let it be said that I am afraid of needles and will put that off forever and tell the needle giving lady that I need to lie down during . But I pay someone to rip the hair off my face. Every three weeks.

8. Hair only grows on the left side of my upper lip...me say, "That is fucked.", She say, "I know, right?"

9. I hear the Kardashians get the anus' bleached. Pause and read again.

10. Oh! I forgot...when the pedicurist told me that my feet were in good shape, I giggled and was filled with hubris. I am the most competitive person I know.

11.The exit after a mani/ pedi can be one of the most vulnerable moments of ones life. Think about it...you can't use your hands...and it is winter but you are wearing flip flops so as not to wreak your pedicure. So, no hands, no feet...and everyone is putting on your clothes for you and rooting through your purse. So, really, a mani/pedi is an emotional trust exercise...people who you don't know rubbing you, touching you, asking you about your life, seeing the crap you keep in your bag (including half a scone I have been saving), watching you laugh over some nugget that Selena Gomez said and then sending you out in the world shoeless...like a baby.
Can you imagine if a therapist did that to you?
They could be sued.

Good day. Good day.

Oh, and for your viewing pleasure...Mermaid's Tears against a sea of purple...

Dear Grey's...and Ode from my third day on the couch.

Dear Grey's, You are a slutty bitch who leaves for weeks at a time...and I reluctantly take you back...and then you suck me in with your sad, sexy story. You bitch. You slut. You whore. I am so fucking in love with you. Sharron xoxo

Goodbye 2011, Love Sharron

It was just 2011.
Wasn't it?
I like to do a year end round up here on the old blog but now that it is 2012...it seems dirty somehow.
Fuck it.
Anyhow, here are just a couple things I was thinking, pondering...having a pause about.









1. It is 8:00am and I don't know how I ended up on freakin' Lea Michelle's fan page.


2. A friend of mine announced they were taking a facebook break...on facebook...and ten seconds later posted...on facebook...that they couldn't watch the new "Bachelor" because his hair was "all wrong".

3. I thought about taking a facebook break...and then I laughed and laughed.

4. Dear Weight Watchers, that commercial with Jennifer Hudson singing to herself is terrifying.

5. Dear Weight Loss Industry, I was watching Dick Clark on New Years Rockin' Eve (lord, help us...that was uncomfortable.) and the first commercial after the ball dropped, and every subsequent commercial after that, and on every station, was about you telling the world that they are fat...and quite possibly lonely. You suck ass.

6. Do you think Ryan Seacrest was created in some kind of pod by Dick Clark to take over his evil empire?

7. Looking back on 2011, and after consulting with my fabu neighbours down the street, Cyrus and Joanne, we all realized that sometimes...Bitches just be Crazy. Shake your head and continue on, people.

8. Scotland is one of my fave places on the total face of the earth...and the rain that falls there requires that you cultivate a resilient spirit and unstoppable sense of humour...and a liver made of iron. That last part was more about the drinking.

9. When you are complaining to someone about how you have to stay up till three in the morning to watch your TV show premiere in Canada, because you have brought your one woman show over to Europe and the time difference sucks...count yourself lucky as hell and shut your piehole.

10. When God (or whoever this might be) closes a door...sometimes he points you towards a window that is painted shut and you have to go and get a butter knife because you cannot find the screw driver and pry that shit open.

11. Under the direst circumstances, sometimes you can learn a lesson...mend an unmendable (why is that not a real word?) friendship...love the experience...and sometimes...in the midst of all this....look back to #7.

12. This summer, I stood in front of my theatre in London (England, people) with Team Jesus, holding my outfit, watching 4 foreign dudes pee into a MOVEABLE urinal...out in the open. Now THAT is progress...wait, OPPOSITE DAY!

13. Not all of the best decisions/choices are the easiest to make.

14. Not all good outcomes are the result of thrilling experiences. Sometimes you just gotta put your head down, muscle through, cry a bit and pretend it was easy...and/or fun.

15. I feel so blessed to have George in my life. I love him like crazy. He is the best person I know. He also knows how to cook and pack a car like a son of a bitch.

16. Hoda and Kathie Lee scare the fuck out of me.

17. When you are over 40, losing weight is fucked.

18. When you are over 40, sometimes you gotta look at yourself and say, "I look good the way I am."...not discounting any future weight loss...but, man, life IS TOO FUCKING SHORT!!!

19. Elizabeth Hasselbeck is just horrible...(see #7 again.)

20. In 2011 I spent over 2/3 of the year on the road/ traveling or working away from home. I met fabulous people, worked with amazing artists, wrote and performed a new show all over the world, did runs of some of my earlier shows all over Canada, had 3 articles featured in major publications...across the ocean, worked with a new producer who worked his fucking ass off and believed as much as I did, had a young man travel with me and play the piano...and when it was really required...lifted my heart and spirit with laughter and care, did a Reality TV show where people worked their asses off...never said "no" ..and they did it all for charity, executed some things I NEVER thought I was capable of, cried my ass off, met some challenges with a heavy heart, slid down a wall in disbelief when I saw myself on the cover of the Scotsman, never thought I would make it, made it, swam in the Aegean Sea, paid $400.00 for a fucking fish, watched the sun go down everyday for two weeks...with friends and my dearest love, got a pair of Bluntstones and Frye boots (like I had dreamed of for about 10 years), rode down the Thames with G, slow danced with about 25 strangers...from all over the world, was revisited by some of my demons, told said demons to fuck off, played a bird, had a tail, worked with a real...gods honest...amazingly talented clown (and that sound making dude from 'Police Academy"), had a team, watched her husband be strong, told the dogs they could NOT get up on the bed (and then let them up on the bed), AND thought about doing it all again. 2011 was amazing...it was fucking challenging and hard...it hurt my feeling sometimes...and other times it made my mouth fall open is disbelief....and it was tiring. But it was. And I thank the same god or whatever that shows me to the same painted-shut window over and over again...and I ask if it can just be open every once in a while...if it isn't too much trouble....no? Alright then.

Hope you all have a wonderful year.