Saturday, March 20, 2010

Last Night Someone Called Me Fat.


Last night someone called me fat. And not even in English. It has been my life long struggle. My weight. Once someone who was sitting right beside me...who is a good friend... called me the “Luther Vandros of Canadian Musical Theatre”...to which I forced the expected gut laugh.
Yes, I laughed at it...because I was embarrassed.
Shouldn’t I seem as if I am fine about it...strong and empowered by it?
But, believe me people, to me, my weight is not a laughing matter...it is something I agonize over on a daily basis. EVERY fucking DAY!

Everything I eat, everything that I wear, circles around where my very sensitive form is at that day.
And yes, it seems more sensitive than others...it does...you can all think what you want about my choices but when I sit beside a 5 foot gal who mows down a steak dinner with a beer and she tells me that her appetite is like this all the time...I know that my body is sensitive.
I joke that I was born to carry milk and farm...that, basically, I was born with the genes of a peasant...this is my latest 'funny quip' about the battle that has raged within me my whole life.
I have never wanted it to define who I am.
So, I don’t usually talk about it.
But I picked a business where it is a central focus.
Funny that.
Being big is obvious.
Sometimes you can’t tell when your friend is a crack head...and crack can make you thin...so maybe you have given your crackhead pal a compliment on their recent weight loss.
Who knows how they lost it...they look great...size wise anyhow.
Yes, that is harsh...but that will tell you where I am at today.

Many times I have lost weight just to avoid the snap decisions that the world makes even before you open your mouth...they see you standing there and make assumptions...she is jolly, she is funny, she eats too much, she can take me telling her all of these things...she is an object to be judged simply by her size.
And I am angry that I have lost weight for that reason...but I am not going to lie to you... it was great to level the playing field, even for a while.
The oddest thing I experience at the edge of a large weight loss is that it never seems enough. I don’t know where to stop...
As I have lost weight a number of times I do my best to not listen or confront the opinions and voices that come my way...but it is a futile battle sometimes...equal to the final war scene in that movie “300”.
Here are the comments and here are my standard responses.
“You look so much better.” Than what exactly? A dog, a tree, a couch?
“You have lost a ton.” I didn’t know that I had weighed a metric tonne.
“We were all hoping you would lose the weight” Did you and Canada have a talk about my pants size? I am flattered.
You know how I always know that I have gained a bit too much weight?

In conversations when people are talking about bigger humans someone is just about to say fat...they even get the “f” out if their mouths...and they say overweight, large sized or, my person fave, hefty...like the garbage bag.
I know I have “become socially acceptably thin” when FAT comes back into a conversation.
The above mentioned scale is more trustworthy than any scale or pair of “skinny’ jeans.

Oh god. Why.

Why do I care so much...and why do you?

I feel embarrassed that one of the only things that has made me feel better about my struggle is...Oprah. She has it all...money, fame, power...and she STILL goes up and down. I have even thought “Uh oh, there she goes.”...I know..I am also quite guilty of the judgement.
But the fact that she has ALL of those things and battles anyway gives me a small degree of comfort.

But then there is the horrible Kirsty Alley story...she has become an American car wreck. And she is doing her VERY best to spin it...but it is horrible to watch. For me anyway.
he public cannot get enough.

The world gives you one chance at salvation.

Like a movie or a good book.

You get one chance to make yourself over...to kick the habit...to not be something the world disdains...but GOD help you if you take another drink or gain back that weight.

Shouldn’t they have learned the first time?
Back to Oprah.

I was listening to Portia DeRossi talk about her anorexia.
This was about 5 years ago, before the recent Ellen and Portia interview on Oprah.
She was making some awesome observations and then said something like “Well, look at Oprah, she has everything a person can want but all I see is a yo yo dieter....”
That froze me...really...this woman has done so MANY amazing things...and THAT is what you see?

I have been big, I have been small...I hope to be smaller again...but I want it not to be at the cost of...well, of....my big self.
Do you know what I mean?

I have been on a diet for about 35 years and I am pretty pooped out.
But...but I try again...I try not to be embarrassed at dinners when I order a salad...to not think that people shit and think “Uh oh, here she goes.”

So, I am in the middle of another little war...

And I am in the middle of one of the biggest things I have ever done in my life.

I know I am not Oprah, but I think I have done some pretty cool things.
And I think that the “World Domination Tour 2010” is one of the coolest.
I even did a photo shoot this week....I was nervous because I wish I was smaller...but I decided to be fine with where I was...my photographer Tracey Nolan got some great shots...and though I agonized a bit over some of my full body shots...I thought "BE enpowered!!!"
I have worked hard to get where I am...wherever that may be...I have put in a ton (not a metric tonne) of hours.
And now to yesterday...

Friday March 19th 2010
Yesterday I went to a commercial audition and tried not to feel fat...and came off alright...struggled with thoughts that my agent might not be sending me out as much because I am bigger.

Came home and sent emails to NY and Scotland...realized I had met all of my goals for this date...a date I had on my calendar...Mar 19th...deadline for Edinburgh Fringe Early Registration...I had a venue and had raised enough funds to put a down payment on it, register for the fringe AND buy an ad in the program. And contacted people about a PR person for my NY dates.

I taught commercial pop performance (one of my biggest passions) and watched young people make great discoveries and do hard work and I felt so blessed.

Some of the students I taught previously came in to audition for my big fund raising benefit...I am featuring up and comers who I have worked with...they did some great stuff and humbled me, making me feel grateful to be a part of their journey.
I sat and ate (every bite in watched meticulously but enjoyed thoroughly) with dear friends and laughed.

I went to meet my husband after his show...as I walked into Betty’s a gentlemen who I didn’t know very well, but who I had welcomed into my home said something loudly in Serbian.
I don’t know it you know...but I DON’T speak serbian...or english very well sometimes for that matter...and just moved on.
I order a green tea...not a wine or beer....and this Serbian gentleman saddled over to me and started engaging me in conversation.
I know I had a smile on my face...I was enjoying myself...then he said....
“When I met you I heard you were a singer...and looking at you I thought she has the warmth and size to be a singer...you know rounder...a bigger woman...stronger....(then here I started to hear a screaming sound in my head and my heart started to beat faster so I misses a couple words so you get the gist)...so I yelled “(something in serbian that I AGAIN didn’t understand)”...you know, it means...”It isn’t over till the fat lady sings”...."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. Again...my whole day...which was mostly fabulous...reduced to this.
And, instead of getting mad, which I am happy to do when someone says something horrible and rude to me...I am ashamed to say...I got embarrassed.

I said it was fine.

I went to see my friend who was across the way.
And then I went to the bathroom and cried.
Good lord. Why did I not call him out?
I went home, quickly, and got into the bath....till 4:00 am.
All of these great things and this one asshole felt confident that he could reduce me to one common, rude phrase.
I went over and over it again in my head.

There is nothing funny about it and nothing I want to crack wise about it.

have not gotten over it yet and I am sure I will carry it through my day.
And please don’t feel bad for me...let me wage my war of weight peacefully as I can...and see me...and know that deep inside I totally dig myself...I just have my moments.
And I just wanted to publicly say...
Fuck you, you small, small man. Don’t you know who I think I am.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

You have got to be kidding me, people.



I wanted Sandra to win...I never kept it a secret...I crowed it out loud... and when she did I screamed and screamed.
I wish I was her friend...we could drink beers together...just like that beer drinking, pizza eating scene from “Miss Congeniality”.
And.
I have not seen “Precious”...let us not forget that it is based on “Push a novel by Sapphire”...way to go Sapphire's literary agent...hard to say but way to get your shit out there!!!
So, as I said, I have not seen “Precious” but it seems that the world agrees that Gabourey Sidibe is wonderful in it...and maybe she should have won the Oscar...maybe yes, maybe no.
BUT as of this morning they were both actresses were featured in the Crazy Olympics that appeared on my and your computers and in our newspapers.
Everyday, for my fancy news, I go to the Globe and Mail...and sometimes I read Lynn Crosbie...she is sometimes mean, sometimes caustic...but I find some of her articles interesting...and her columnist photo is that of a rock and roll band groupie...which I always find intriguing.
Today, Lynn Crosbie had an article entitled “Sandra Bullock snags a sweetheart deal”...
I got worried...and then as I read it I found that I had every right to be.
Horrible and mean...and written like a person who woke up in the middle of the night after a bottle of wine and wanted to really bitch about the girl who was more popular than her in highschool.
I am not saying she was...that is just how it seems.
Hm.
She refers to people like myself...the lovers of Sandra...in the following paragraph...

“most tabloid gossip involved her rapacious appetite for appalling junk food like Marshmallow Fluff and raw cookie dough, which made her still more endearing, especially to the lonely girls, eating jumbo boxes of Dots in the dark.”

Nice.
I guess all of us girls (and some boys, I am sure) are obese, single, depressed, closet eaters...to be ridiculed for our stupidity.

And Lynn must have a very long and focused hate on for Sandy to recall this...

“And then, in 1995, at the height of her fame and shortly after the (fiscally disappointing) The Net, David Spade, the evil little oracle, did a bit on Saturday Night Live about her. Sean Penn was the guest, and Spade asked him if he had seen “the talking pig movie yet.
Babe had just come out, and Penn said “No.”
“What, you haven’t see The Net?”


Who remembers that??? Who???
And then...just in case you thought she was mincing her words...there was so much more but this...this was the highlight...

“Bullock’s weakness was one bad film, an obvious nose job and status as a single woman, which makes all stars sexually suspect — even the queer, hyphenated Meredith Baxter-Birney knew this."

Can’t you just see the Mean Girl standing there...”Well, she got a fucking nose job...bitch.” And the queer comment...I leave that for you to make your own decisions on...but it ain’t good.
Bitter, petty and mean. That is how is all sounds. And, most sadly, disappointing.
So,Lynn, if that is what you were going for....congrats.
And if that wasn’t enough, then I went to the Star...and there was a bookmarked article with this title.
“Is moment in spotlight over for Precious star Sidibe?”
I hoped to not ever see this sentiment...but knew that the society we live in would not be able to resist.
Since she is big, and she didn’t win the Oscar... like that woman from Gilbert Grape and Hairspray...she was finished.
I cannot even.
And the reason these stereotypes are perpetuated?
People like Howard Stern...who, incidentally, was prominently featured in this article...are you ready?...this isn’t for the faint of heart...

“Stern made the comments on his Sirius Satellite Radio Monday, calling Sidibe “the most enormous fat black chick I’ve ever seen.”
“It’s just ludicrous because everybody is pretending she is part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie. She really should have got the best actress award because she’s never going to have another ... what movie is she going to be in?”
“It’s so sad, you just want to say to her, ‘Listen honey, now that you’ve got a little money in the bank, go get yourself thin, you’re going to die,’” said Stern, known for his wilting, profanity-laced diatribes."


Wow. I know he is an asshole but this takes it. He is the sort who wishes all women would work out and not eat so they could stay in porn films, where they belong.

That is all that needs be said about Stern.
But, the sentiment is everywhere...fat is a one trick pony...so after you have done your “fat” role and gotten your accolades you better get on the treadmill.

Now, here is where I get mad...did anyone say that to Paul Giamatti after “Sideways”, or Phillip Seymour Hoffman after...well, anything that he has been nominated for?
Some leading men are large, bald, not especially handsome..... and celebrated.
Some of the biggest box office sellers are Seth Rogan, Jack Black and that younger, funnier guy who looks like Seth Rogan...and Will Ferrell.
John Travolta and Alec Baldwin lose and gain weight like the changing of the seasons and they get bigger parts....funnily enough.
"Where is the female version of that" Glenn Sumi said on twitter a couple of weeks ago...I ask the same thing...oh ya...we have to allow it first.
We have to open our fucking minds.
Yes, I am a big girl...I have been a smaller girl...I will be a smaller girl...and probably a bigger girl again...but that is not how I describe myself...I have NEVER let that limit what I can do...the world might do that to me...but I will never do that to myself.
Can’t we get past this...can we get past being embarrassed because we enjoy or are entertained by something that is supposedly “low brow” or “chick flicks” or “chick lit”...can we allow all people to be artists? Can we at least let them try?
And can women stop bashing each other?
AND DID ANYONE MENTION ANYTHING about men at the Oscars? How they looked, why they did or didn’t win...how Steve Martin has had OBVIOUS (there you go Lynn) facial surgery? I don’t give a shit...but have they?
No, let us focus on the nice and the large.
Goodness gracious, jesus wept.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Sharron Matthews Superstar!!! World Domination Tour 2010


After being named
“Best Cabaret Performer”
what does a girl do?
Well, If her name is Sharron Matthews, she embarks on her World Domination Tour 2010!



From 2005 to 2009 in Toronto, Canada, the “Inimitable” Sharron Matthews created, wrote and hosted the “ Hottest ticket in town ”, the wildly successful Sharron’s Party! Her live variety show featured Canada’s most talented and celebrated singers, actors, TV personalities, newspaper columnists, playwrights, writers, comedians and composers.
During the entire run the press and audiences raved!!!


“Capable of selling any song like it is prime downtown real estate”
John Coulbourne, Toronto Sun
"Live-wire who electrifies the cabaret scene.”
Richard Ouzounian, Toronto Star
“the kind of performer who can only sound but fabulous” Xtra magazine

In 2009, after being named “Best Cabaret Performer” by Toronto’s Now Magazine (the same publication that named her show “Critic’s Pic” a staggering 20 times!) Sharron decided it was time to take her show on the road with...

Sharron Matthews Superstar!
World Domination Tour 2010


TORONTO
“Sharron Matthews Superstar: World Domination Tour 2010 KICK OFF Fundraiser!”
Sharron kicks off her tour with a huge Fundraiser!!!
On Friday April 16th and Saturday April 17th @ 8:00 pm Sharron will take to the stage at her beloved Buddies in Bad Times to raise funds her world tour....guests, surprises, AN ALL NEW SHOW!!! What a weekend this will be...Sharron’s first show at Buddies in almost a year...it will be a doozy! She has a lot to say, people!
Tickets are a special fundraising price of $30.00.
There is an arts and student discount ticket for $20.00
www.artsexy.ca


NEW YORK
On Saturday June 5th @ 7:00 pm and Sunday June 6th @ 9:30 pm Sharron will be making her New York cabaret debut at the legendary Joe’s Pub. Yes, she will! Newsweek calls Joe’s Pub "one of the country's best small stages" and New York Magazine raves “you never know what you’ll find next at Joe’s Pub, but you can count on the fact that it will be good, very good." Well....Sharron will step on the stage that has been graced by the likes of Leonard Cohen, Alicia Keys, Sutton Foster and fricken Bono. Tickets are $20.00 and you can go to http://www.joespub.com/component/option,com_shows/task,view/Itemid,40/id,5106 for info!!!

EDINBURGH
In August Sharron will take her World Domination Tour 2010 over the pond, people!!!
“Sharron Matthews Superstar” hits the Edinburgh Fringe Festival from August 16th to August 28th at the Surgeon’s Hall.
CAN YOU TAKE IT?!?!?!?
Go here to check out the venue... http://www.thespaceuk.com/edinburgh/venue53-info
I went for an intimate space with a fabu location!
And this is the Fringe website!
www.edfringe.com

More dates to follow!!!


Sharron Matthews Superstar: World Domination Tour 2010 is produced by Sharron Matthews and C. Derrick Chua, and is supported by Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, North America’s largest queer theatre company.


Sharron is going out to shine a light on our fabulous Canadian Cabaret Community!
If you find yourself overwhelmed with excitement and would like to donate to this fabulous project email Sharron at me@sharronmatthews.com
and she will send you a package!
Every dollar helps!

Monday, March 01, 2010

An Olympic Thought


I love the Olympics.
I didn't get to watch them much this year, and that was a sad turn of events...but I liked even knowing that they were happening. Kinda like how when I was growing up I might not have seen my Grama all night because she was holed up in her room doing macrame but I knew she was in the house and that made me feel safe and warm.
I would sit in front of our stereo/tv console for the whole two weeks ...two in the summer and two in the winter..,when the summer and the winter games would happen in the same year...that feels like a million years ago now!
Do you guys remember that?
I recall feeling a bit dejected that we NEVER seemed to win any medals...not as many as Russia...
Watching what I could of these Olympics...though I would rather sit in a pile of poo than do any cross country skiing event...I felt involved and felt like Canada had done something special. I know you are all saying "Well, duh, Sharron." But it beats mentioning again that we went from NEVER winning a gold medal on our own soil to winning the most gold medals by a host country. I mean, COME ON!
During the eighties Canadian organizers and coaches talked on and on about how we needed to invest in these atheletes...as communities and local governments...federal governments and companies...and it happened ...and we are finally seeing the fruits of all of that funding and attention.
All I can think of...is this...what if we did the same thing for the arts in Canada?
Imagine what we could accomplish.
Sigh.