Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sublime meet Ridiculous.

And just when I was feeling fancy....

I got sent an email today asking if I wanted to audition for a commercial to sing...to a hamburger.

Not that I am above it...not at all...I will always do what it takes to pay the mortgage people!

I just love that you can go from striding towards a wind machine to possibly dueting with 98% Real Canadian Beef in 6 days.

WELCOME TO CANADA!!!

Not for the faint hearted.

What is my motto, you may ask?

Some of you already know...but for those who don't...

Dear Younguns, Before you start feeling all fancy...you are always one phone call away from wearing a banana suit, handing out flyers.

So keep keepin' on.

Love

Sharron (Almost the 98% Real Beef Lady)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The View and The Apocalypse.

I try not to watch The View anymore...“Why, Sharron, WHY!?” you may ask.

Other than that fucking Elizabeth Hasselbeck...back...beck...whatEVER!!! She just crawls up my skirt the wrong way...ya know?

Oh, and other than Sherry Sheppard...she is just not a rocket scientist...or even a rocket eater ( ya know the ones you get for Halloween....I feel that I may have just jumped the blog shark...I continue...).

The combination of Sheppard and Hasselbeck just makes me wanna go out and purchase an anti- anxiety program...they just...who...when...breathe, Sharron.

And Barbra Walters? Jesus wept...and poor Whoopi looking on in disbelief waiting to cash her paycheck...and the other one...

But sometimes...on a snowy winter day...when I am tired...and procrastinating putting the boxes away...I pull up the couch and watch these chicks go at it whilst (yes, I said it) I eat my eggamuffin.

Today...Donald Trump was on. That bronzer wearing redneck motherf*#er...he really is a red neck...classless with money...a lethal combo.

So fancy....

He began to talk about...how he was going to run for President...of the United States...not of the Hairclub for Men.

I gave myself a shake...and wondered if I was still asleep...and then I freaked out.

I began to feel like I did when I saw my first episode of American Gladiator...like the Apocalypse was imminent.

Donald Trump talking about how the U.S. should charge other countries when they go to war to “help them out”...I could not believe it...I just fucking...I didn’t know....breathe, Sharron.

CHARGE FOR WAR!!! Like it is a business....I mean, I know it has been big business for years...but how gross to hear it put in those terms.

And he talked about for his running mate...oh my god...are you ready...Sarah fucking Palin....JESUS WEPT AGAIN!

I didn’t know what to do...I didn’t know who to call...I just thought I was having a stroke or something.

Can this really happen...could this happen?

And then he said that he wanted to see Obama’s birth certificate...he and the fucking Hasselbeck insinuated that Obama wasn’t an American citizen...that he was trying to put one over on the American people...really?? REALLY!?!?!?!?

Oh my dear sweet lord...I am looking for the 4 horsemen...or is it seven...I DON’T KNOW!!!

I AM FREAKING OUT!

And then Elizabeth Taylor died...and Margaret Cho called her (with love, I am sure) the Queen of the Fag Hags...

UM...I know what she means...but...um...too soon.

And then after a bunch of snow fell...what the eff...APOCALYPSE!!!!

And then, on Twitter, Rick Mercer made fun of how Toronto freaks out when it snows...which is just the newest joke...WAIT!...NO IT ISN’T!!! And I love RICK MERCER...and he made a crappy, antiquated joke!!! IT IS THE END PEOPLE...it is gonna rain frogs and unicorns....and maybe poo.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Canada Sang, People!

Canada Sings...and cries...and dances...and transforms...and laughs...and sometimes looks pissed off...and almost always overcomes...and does so so so so so many things.

It has been too effing long, my friends...I haven’t written in two months...and it has been two months since I started this show in earnest.

Anyone who hasn’t been to my page in the last two months...I shot a TV show.

Holy crap.

I have NEVER done anything like this before...and the results have been astounding...they have been winding...and have made me take a knee on a daily basis.

Canada Sings.

So, here is the deal.

There are two choreographers (Christian Vincent and Kelly Konno) and two vocal coaches (Scott Henderson and myself)...we get split into two artistic teams and then we go into work places such as....are you ready?...Scarborough General Hospital, The Keg, Lone Wolf Real Estate Tech., Air Canada, Just Energy, Toronto Fire Fighters, Hamilton Police, Good Life Fitness, Boilerhouse Restaurant, Earl Hamber Public School, 1-800-Got-Junk and the Toronto Zoo...and teach their people a number...most of these people have never performed before.’

Then they compete against another team for $10,000.00, which goes to the charity of their choice.

And it is a fully staged, costumed and musically tracked number. On a huge stage...for celebrity judges..oh ya, and for the people of Canada...who will watch it on Global.

Oh yes, and ALL of these people continue to work at their jobs during the process....SO! They work all day and rehearse all night.

I don’t know what I thought it would be when I accepted the job...I actually didn’t know because it was a new show.

But it sure turned out to be...well, something else.

I am sitting in my new place in Stratford (my agent thinks my life is over because I moved to the country) and am looking back over the whole experience with a fabulous mixture of shock, awe, disbelief, excitement and sadness.

Oh I have learned so very much...and I say that without one ounce of sarcasm...which is hard for me, as you know.

I can honestly say that this has been one of the best experiences of my life...and after “Love, Loss” and the World Domination Tour...that is saying a lot.

It is true.

I started this gig trying to fit the people into the number and I finished trying to fit the number on the people...and what people.

My god...these people worked hard and I feel humbled by their dedication and tenacity...and heart...such a great deal of heart...and all for charity.

I think the show is going to be fucking awesome...yup...I said it....and I also said that a number of times on the show...I wonder how much I will be bleeped....many times, I hope.

Lord, I swore like a sailor.

I honestly don’t know how to tell you all about it in one blog....I think watching the show might help. It is supposed to air in August, as of right now...

I want to thank all of the crew...here I go...please god let me not forget anyone....

Team Bickerton

Mike, Matt, Siobhan, Craig, Homer, Dan, Booker, Leeanne, Chris, David, Kal, Ryan, Phillip, Rob, Aaron, Marla, Peter and Rachel.

Chris...thank you for making my week....

Team Riley

Maureen, Topher, Jacqueline, Patrick, Jason, Johnnie, Matt, Darcy, Andrew, Eric, Joel, Devo, Chris, Jessie, Don, Mark, Chris and Ben.

And all the people at Insight...from the fabulous and amazing John and Barb to the awesome Mark (magic...it is magical, Sha Sha), Heather (who cast my ass), Erinn (who is editting my ass), Julietta (who cleared the songs for my ...yes...alright...ass) Tina, Alex, Stephen, Lori, Sue and Lindsay (who pays my ass)! (THANKS FOR THE FLIP CAM!!! I WANT TO SEND YOU A QUESTIONABLE VIDEO).

To Gigi and Adreano ( I know I spelled that wrong)...who made me feel like one billion bucks the last week...the hair and make up of my dreams. And Mel’s hair and make up team who made our groups feel like royalty.

Gigi and Adreanno do me up!

I want to put out a special thanks to Lisa Williams, who costumed THE ENTIRE show. And when I called her in a panic, right at the beginning and said “All I want to do is look and feel awesome.”...did exactly that. And her crew...Casey, Sarah, Paul...the THREE SISTERS (please forgive me SIS’....I don’t want to get one name wrong, so I am not attempting any of them...I don’t want to cause a family rift)....you, all of you, made this show look so beautiful.

And Matty, who led myself and Christian around with such care for 4 days of ABSOLUTE CRAZINESS. Thank you so much.

To Scott and Kelly...you talented sons of bitches...though we were competing against each other (remember the day we stopped talking on the communal board...all I could think was, “IT IS ON, PEOPLE!”) sitting with you guys last week was some of the most enjoyable time I have spent (although that first day was a fucking killer).

The Artistic Teams for Canada Sings WEARING those outfits!

ORIN ISSACS...you effing rock. Your tracks rock. Your support was invaluable...and I loved it when you called me “doll”. And when you sang...ah, when you sang.

And to our teams...Scarborough Hospital, Lone Wolf, Just Energy, Hamilton Police, Boilerhouse and Got Junk...you humbled me with your talents and drive...really.

Lastly, I would like to thank Christian, who, in our very first phonecall, told me he had my back and then NEVER disappointed. What a talented, forthright, honest man. Saying goodbye to him was like saying goodbye to a brother. I hope we get to do this again for many reasons, the biggest is so that we can go to breakfast in the morn when we are away from TO. I do not, do not, want to lose touch with you, my friend. I loved working with you, you are amazing.

Christian and I in Vancouver take a skype call on a break.

Alright, those of you who weren’t on the show....who skimmed till here...thanks for reading my love letter to Canada Sings.

I feel so lucky to have worked on this show...I can’t wait to watch it from the kitchen as my husband tells me how it goes...I am sure I said MANY questionable things...it was lovely to just be myself...and not learn lines...WHAT COULD BE BETTER!?!?

Oh wait...and the last day I had my pic taken...with a WIND MACHINE!!!!

Scott, Kelly, myself and Christian work that effing WIND MACHINE! Closer
Taken by the always handsome BICKERTON!

Okay, so I am giving myself a couple more days and then I am back at it.

Goodbye Canada Sings...hopefully, till next time.

Be well all!