Wednesday, April 10, 2013

HOLY #RHOV Season Two: Jody Claman Melts The Eff Down!!!

I have so much work to do today.
So much.
So, why am I on the couch rewinding and watching an epic TV meltdown over and over again?
And then, I ask myself, why do I open my computer to my blog?
And then, Sharron, why do you write about it?
And more to the point, why do you CARE!?!?!
Well, I have thought and thought...and it is matter who you matter how much you may hate reality TV (and I DO NOT, for the record, hate it... I loves it...suck it, judgers) matter how refined you think you are...if you are driving or walking down you street and you watch a police cruiser pull up to a neighbour's house, you probably slow down a bit to see what the what...or if two people are having an argument in a public place you give it more than a second look.
WE love spectacle...why do so many people go to the Cirque Du Soleil?
Spectacle, people!!
We are born with a natural rubber neck...we just are.
There...I have justified it and now I don't feel totally bad about what I am about to write.
Last year, a pal of mine started working behind the scenes on the Real Housewives of Vancouver.
(If you do not watch the RHOV you may not find this interesting...but you might enjoy the ride...maybe...if not, sign off and I will see ya next time!!!)
I have never watched a Real Housewives show...BUT to support my one should...I watched the first episode...and the second and the third...and by the fourth I was calling him on commercial breaks to scream at him about their kooka behaviour. 
I could not wait for it to come on every week.
And let me tell ya, if you don't watch it, there are some monumentally bad manners and epically bad decisions on display for the whole (Canadian) world to see.  (And some really questionable know what I am saying...)
And it was like sitting behind a glass screen where NO one could see you and judging... and gasping... and feeling better-than and superior-to people who SEEM to have a lot of excess in their lives...wait...THAT IS exactly what it is...judgin' the Richies without the backlash
How divine for us little people.
Pretty soon, I found myself writing about the show on the twitter...I had to restrain myself from saying the really horrible thoughts I was thinking...they were just...lord and taylor...let us just say they were horrible.
There is one character...WAIT, human person...who I liked for the first 10 minutes and then NEVER AGAIN.
She is a, well, how do you describe...okay people, she is scary evil.
Like SCARY evil.

I mean, she even has an evil queen crown on. 
THIS is Jody Claman,  proprietress of The Glass House, an upscale fancy shop in Vancouver.
The issue with her store last year was that someone, Mary Zilba, said Jody was selling second hand Hermes Bags at her store  and Jody freaked out and she said they weren't second hand, they were vintage.
Isn't vintage second hand?
Anyhoops...Jody pretended to sue Mary...Mary pretended not to care...Ronnie pretended to not instigate the animosity between these two...and Reiko tried to not get kicked off the show by being too 'not interesting' ...unsuccessfully, sadly.
AND I pretended not to be invested.
It was all VERY greek tragedy, people. 
(Anyone who doesn't watch this show...if you are bored...there is an interesting pictorial coming up...PICTURES!!) 
You could see Jody building up to try and explode Mary out of the could just see it...and when she was thinking about it, she would make this face....

And plot and plan...and leave her sunglasses on.
And A LOT dress like one of those long haired hamsters...


Again, see?
And this whole second season, Jody has been stuck on making Mary (I am gonna get there people...) look like a whore, a hooker and a piece of shit. (Her words, people)
All because she said something bad about her bags.
Oh, and because, it seems, Mary said she would kill Jody's family. At least that is the way it seems from twitter.
And last night, was the night worth waiting for.
They had a Tea Party...for one of the other characters...human beings...and the Tea Party was Alice in Wonderland themed.
All these woman were dressed like this...

It was all middle aged story book hookers as far as the eye could see...p.s. the lady at the top who is the 'cat' has her arm around her stepson...she brought her stepson...jesus wept.
Anyway...Jody arrived like this...

Again, long haired hamster...and her daughter is to her right in the yellow...and her daughter is another piece of work. here I wrote a whole morality tale to describe why this show is like crack and about the downfall of society and grown up Mean Girls...but I erased it...because...well, let's be clear and honest, Sharron, you are just blowing off some Evil Jody Claman steam.
And, hopefully,  trying to make it as entertaining as possible....
Last night at the Hooker Halloween Tea Party, Jody MELTED THE FUCK DOWN.
She could not stand that Ronnie was talking to Mary so she lost her fucking a four year old in her ballet tutu from last kinda went like this...

"How will I crush that Mary? Look at her. She has white tights on...and she is 50. It is nothing like me wearing toule and crowns all the time. I hates her. AND she said something bad about my old bags...that are in the store."


"Mary, you better stop talking to my awesome, yet instigating and probably sloshed, friend Ronnie! I want all the friends...and all the old Hermes bags...and all the are shit, shit I tell you!"


"MARY, you are a whore...a whore, I tell you...I tell you HERE are my friend, Amanda's party to launch her new business...which is the PERFECT place to do this...and AMANDA is my friend NOT your's....YOU WHORE....she won't mind that I am screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the botanical gardens. This is what good business women, sane people and friends DO!!! Amanda doesn't mind at all."

 Amanda looks like she doesn't mind at all.

"And another thing, Mary...and let me tell you this with over pronounced T's and D' I am fancy...but not all the it seems a bit affected...YOU rent an apartment and don't own a are an EMBARASSMENT!!! ALL people who can't afford a car or a house...and can't marry rich guys like I do are an ABSOLUTE EMBARASSMENT!!!"

Ioulia: "I am Russian and super hot...and don't give a fuck about these other bitches...I love Birsdays (said with a wonderful accent), booze and eating...and I am so thin and gorgeous, though I love food, and am very well adjusted it seems...and am Sharron's fave character....real human... on the I will fare well here"

"Whore, Hooker!!! YOU ARE A HOOKER!! I don't know what I am basing this on...BUT THERE YOU GO, WHORE!!! HOOKER!! I AM SCREAMING...IN THE BOTANICAL GARDENS!!!"

"Oh, and I am Mary...and I cannot believe this is happening...that witch is screaming at me...again...and Sharron is a bit conflicted about me...and doesn't know if I am truly kind like I say I am...or kind and a little damaged like I am portrayed on the show...or if it is a bit of a lie...but NO ONE deserves this type of reaming out...but I hold my own against Jody...and make her almost cry... while Ronnie checks her cheeks out in the camera. I think Jody cries after I leave, actually"


"Oh, I am so sad that I just conducted myself like a hyperactive kid at the McDonald's playroom...BUT I am not embarassed (?!) but I am sort of (not really) sorry I ruined your party Amanda."  

Amanda looks like she didn't mind.


"Um, I feel so much better...I want cake and champagne. I think I availed myself pretty well this season...I really redeemded myself from last season...sign. I am awesome."

"Jody, you make the best cakes ever...and I ate this one all up like I did the cake you made for my Birsday...I am gorgeous and hot. And I can eat cake...I wonder if I will be back next season?"

Love it or hate it...I COULD not stop watching it!
Lord and taylor...I need a drink.   

1 comment:

Nikki Johnson said...

Christina is the one who said Jody's bags are either fake or second hand because Hermes only sells their products in Hermes stores. Season 1, episode 8. So I don't know why Jody goes after Mary for everything. I guess she sees Mary as an easy target. Ridiculous!