Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Mike Holmes and Extra Large Condoms. Yup.

Right now, I find the pickin's (pickens? pickins? Hard to say, really...) are slim on the old gym TV.
I do have grand thoughts whilst working away on the machines that I like to title: 
Thoughts From The Gym.
Yes...original AND fancy.
Thoughts like:
Does Mike Holmes ALWAYS wear that tank top?  
There are some horrible, fucked up mothers out there trying to steal the thunder at their son's bar mitzvah.
Oh, and on the subject of Mike Holmes, does he ever walk into a house and say, "Wow, this house has had some good work done on it!"?
Ladies in the south can be plain mean to everyone if their daughter is buying a wedding dress.
Sisters can be meaner.
If these women are real housewives, why they got no husband? 
AND why they got such weird faces?
And are they REALLY real? (Lord, I hope not.)   
If you curse watching 40 minutes of a horrible Lifetime movie-of-the-week, and then you see locations you recognize,  you will STILL wonder why your aren't in it...or at best...why you didn't get an audition.
American Hoggers is the GROSSEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.
On another note.... 
This week, my dear pal came to visit me.
She shall remain nameless to protect the innocent...you will see why in a minute.
We went and had some wine and split some chicken wings and laughed and laughed (so many 'ands')...and had the MOST perkily odd waitress ever...we began to be afraid whenever we heard her on the way to our table... my pal was totally convinced that she was either drunk or 'on something'.
After, we dropped into the Shopper's D to get some stuff...my dear pal decided that she needed to grab some condoms...we are all adults here right?
Not really...me neither.
So, two over fourty (THIS is the reason I can't say her name, by the way...our ages...and NOT the condoms) women are in the condom section at the Shopper's D. 
And, like we are 14, everything is funny. 
We think it is hysterical that they put the Canesten so close to the condoms...it must terrify guys.
Right beside the mango flavoured condoms are ALL the pregnancy tests..."Have fun, vegetarians, but NOT too much fun." 
AND then there is the sheer magnitude of choices for condoms...funny tips, super thin, super thick, ridges...and, our fave, "VERY sensitive"....not just sensitive but VERY sensitive.
I grab the box and fire off with the rapid speed (but not the skill, sadly) of a Catskills comic,
"This condom is soooo sensitive, it will:
A: Ask you as you leave to "Call Me"... 
B: Say, "Do I look fat in this?"...
C: Tell you, "If you loved me you would...insert statement here..."
Lord, we had just enough wine that is was all sooo funny.
And then, as we were leaning over and had our hands on our thighs to steady ourselves whilst we laughed and laughed, we spied a gentleman, nicely dressed come around the end of the aisle. 
He sees us, and stops short.
You can see him making Sophie's Choice.
Then he screws up his courage and comes and stands near us and turns to the selection of prophylactics.    
I can barely contain myself...barely...
I hear him sigh the biggest sigh and my pal drags me away before I say something that I will not be able to take back.   
We are still giggling (because we are, again, 14) at the front of the store and my fave cashier comes over and says, "You gals are having a good old time"...and I cannot resist and we tell her about the dude in the condom section.
And she says, with much glee, that she never really clocks what people buy...with all the creams, oinments, salves, kits, pills and stuff they must see people buy I am surprised that the cashiers don't wear gloves and masks all the live long day....but one day a new cashier girl came up to her and said, "All the guys in this town can't be an extra large, can they?"
As we broke into screaming laughter the poor dude, holding the 'VERY Sensitive Extra Large Condoms' (you can't make this shit up, people) walks by us. 
His face as red as can be.
Lord, it will be a wonder if that dude didn't just call in sick to his date that night.
I love living in a small town. 

No comments: