Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Forgiveness Can Suck.

So, I love this...I saw it today online...I don't know which I love more,  the quote or the super awesome dog. 
Hard to say, really.
I have been thinking a lot about...some might say, preoccupied with... forgiveness lately.
How it works... when it works... and more specifically, does it work.
I am pretty sure we all, at one time or another, have had some pretty crappy things done to us...by people that other people like and/or love. 
I know, weird right?
"I know some people don't like her/him but they have never done anything to me..."
Is there a statement that is more irking...more itching on the soul?
I was working on a piece for my past workshop show, FULL DARK and it is about a girl who bullied me, passive aggressively, for about 10 years when I was growing up. I had found the perfect songs for the tale...and then when it came to actually writing down the tale...I couldn't. No matter how many times I sat down in front of the computer, I just couldn't write it down.
This workshop was/is all about searching inside for ideas and themes that have never had been fully expored in my cabaret before...and this is the idea of forgiveness...and is forgiveness fucking worth it.
The reason I could not write this down...why I have never told this story before...is because I have absolutely NOT forgiven this girl. 
AND I don't even know if I want to try.
I would like to say that I forgave but won't forget...but that would be a lie.
Which makes some people very uncomfortable when you talk about it. 
And, for this reason, I decided to tell my story that way in the workshop...without forgiveness...to tell the way I truly, really feel...even though it is not heroic or comfortable...or triumphant.
And that is something I am big on...triumph.(Incidentally, I also like the Canadian band, Triumph)
I STILL never wrote it down...I point-formed the story and decided to trust that the right way of telling the story will come to me...which I believe it has...and it will. 
And this piece brought about some strong reactions.
Some people really liked it and felt it was truthful...some felt VERY uncomfortable and felt that I was searching for vengence. 
I had an 45 minute convo with a super good pal of mine who just could not help but feel that I had gone the wrong way with my story, even though the story is the truth...and not that she thought it should have happy ending.
I was intrigued.  
The Bully Songologue, as I am calling it...working title only...I hope to come up with something way smarter and funnier...this songologue is still not done and, oddly enough, though it is difficult, I am really enjoying working on it...and one of the reasons I like it is because it has really made me think about the whole concept and talk to others about how they feel.
We tell people we forgive them...but do we truly?
People tell us they forgive us...but do they?
I feel what-I-think-is my non-forgiveness sometimes as a tiny rock in the pit of my stomach...a nagging tiny thought in the back of my mind.
And it is not totally unwelcome.
If we keep it...does it keep us safe from being hurt again...not usually.
If we forgive will it make our lives better...not sure...will we be divine...did it work out for Jesus?  
(I can feel a lot of unfollowing, unfriending and emailing beginning...but really...DID IT?)
I wonder.
There is a lot of religious dogma attached to the concept of forgiveness as well...which I, sometimes, think is totally unrealistic. 
When I mentioned to someone the above statement about 'dogma' and 'unrealistic' and  they said they felt sad for me...huh. 
THAT was unexpected.  
Well...after thinking about it not really, I guess... 
Here are some of the forgiveness thoughts I have found...

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong" - Gandhi

I am not sure how I feel about this at all...LIAR, SHARRON...yes I do, it pisses me off.
But, dear Gandhi, forgive you.

"Forgive your enemies but never forget their names" - JFK

But when I brought up this concept in a show in which I began to think about how to tell this story...'Forgive but don't forget' a person at the back of my venue yelled out that I wasn't truly forgiving this person... we had a long conversation after the show...neither of us bent...but we both tried to listen, I think.
And, of course, the ever popular...

“To err is human, to forgive, divine.”
-Alexander Pope. 

and that thought brought me to this...

I have not a clue who Frankin P. Adams is...but how I smiled.
It think this might be true...does this make me a pessimist or a realist?
We are not divine...we are human.
Humans have flaws...and one of my flaws can be holding onto some shit when it way past gone.
BUT I know I am not alone.
Sometimes life is too short to hold on to some things...and you...and I...we let go.
But the deep hurts...the deep betrayals... sometimes are just too deep. 
Can we live with that tiny rock?
Maybe it will disappear on it's own someday...maybe the forgiveness takes care of itself...huh...but till then me and that rock...we are doing just fine.    

I will be working that piece again this Friday at my Pubaret show in Toronto...I will be interested to see the response again.

Contrary to what you actually might think I didn't write this to get you to my show...but why not make it out anyhow. 



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