Cabaret Artist, Actress, Producer, Writer, Canadian GAL! Sharron's Blog is hilarious & heart-wrenching! Featured as a Diarist in the National Post twice, sometimes she is called on to write bits for NOW, Xtra, The List & The Scotsman. Sharron's Blog has been called "Brutally honest and funny." by Glenn Sumi of the Now Magazine on the Twitter. A guilty pleasure shared by performers & non-performers alike ALL OVER THE WORLD! THE WORLD.
Tuesday, September 03, 2013
(Un) Reasonable Requests On My 45th Birthday. (I wrote fuck 3 times in this title but George didn't think it was funny....)
Now, I know how all of the following is gonna sound...but it is the pretend new year...and I am 44, almost 45 years old in 13 days...13 DAYS!!! HOLY FUCK! AND I still have some pretty specific things that I would like to wish for...yes, they are also goals...but some of them require extra help...and are things I just want...through hard work ideally...but if my Mom was the person who won the lottery in Hamilton and is just waiting for the right time to tell us...that would be just fucking fine, as well.
So, I am gonna say it...you can (and probably will) judge it...but I want it...these things...and stuff.
There you have it.
Signed A Girl Who Likes To List Her Intentions,
Sharron's "I-Am-Turning-45-&-Must-Not-Stop-Dreaming-Big-or-Stop-Wanting-Something-Awesome" List
1. I would like to buy Celine Dion's house (or have it gifted to me in some way) in Juniper, Florida. It is 72.5 Million Dollars. This is it.
I want it.
If I have to have a weird or strange relationship with Oprah to get it...so much the better.
2. Though I love myself just the way I am I would really like to find and then hang onto the moral fortitude to fit into one of those cute yoga tops from Lululemon. (You would think that since big girls are some of the people who really like to work out they might make something past a size 12...I mean really...they are missing out on a gold mine.)
Universe, I really like this one.
3. As I have dreamed of, since I was a child, I would like to go to a concert...a huge, huge fuck off rock concert...like U2, or Sting...the Rolling Stones...Rush...and have the lead singer look over at me...and then invite me up onstage for a number.
DON'T we all think this for a second or two when we go there?
"What if this is the time I get invited up for "In the Name of Love?"... "Satisfaction"...."Roxanne"...Limelight?"
Not just dance with Springsteen like Courtney Cox did in the Dancing in the Dark video...which was fake anyhow...
BUT I get up there and I fucking kill it...and then they ask me to go on tour...like the guy from Malaysia who sings for "Journey" now.
And then I am generally adored by all because I am just a small town girl, from the Hammer, after all.
And I earn enough money to make number one on this list happen.
4. I would like to have someone clean my house for the rest of my live long days...and do my laundry (AND FOLD IT)...and pack my bag when I go on a trip...So, I guess I would like a butler/maid/assistant...WHO is also good at talking me out of emotional spiral...so I don't have to burden my husband all the time...so, I REALLY actually want a butler/maid/assistant/therapist.
This is a thing, right?
5. I would like to have the pool to myself for one hour every day at the YMCA ...wherever in Canada I happen to be at the time. I have had enough of the scratches on my legs from old dudes who hog the slow lane and don't know how to cut their toe nails...yes, I said it.
6. I would like everyone I love to live a long and happy life, with all their marbles and then die at a ripe old age in their sleep surrounded by people who are awesome. Never having had to have someone else wipe their bum. Or to wear Depends. Or have their kids shove them into an old age home.
7. I would like to live on a yacht for one month...a year. One that is preferably bigger than the one that Beyonce goes on for a vacation with Jay Z and Blue Ivy...and WAY bigger than the one those effing Kardashian's rented in Greece this year...not that I have ever watched their effing show.
Okay...I watched their "Keeping Up With The Kardashian's Show" one day and lost the will to live...and then passed out came to...and watched to the end and felt a shame the likes of which I have never felt before.
This must be the end of the world...and if it is...I would like my yacht.
8. Believe in myself everyday. Every single stinking day.
9. I would like the universe to find a way so I would never have to get my roots done again. I love having red hair...and I love my hair guru Bill, but having roots suck...so I would please like the universe to find some way that is NOT TOXIC AS FUCK to keep my hair growing in Red...until I get really old and then I want it to be blond as hell...THEN I would like to be able to change the colour to that...also with no roots.
Look, I know these are big, impossible dreams...but you gotta put them out there.
The above two pictures are what come up when you google "Old Ladies With Blond Hair" Jesus wept.
10. And, in conclusion, I would like to travel everywhere in the world...EVERYWHERE...with lots and lots of money.
Not some crap ass tour where you have to stay in hostels...which, incidentally, since the movie "Hostel" came out I can't believe that there are any still around.
I am not some 20 year old who can sleep on a cardboard less-than-single bed in the same room with 4 people I don't know from Adam. THAT is kooka. Just kooka.
I want to stay in all the best hotels...and eat at the best restaurants...and walk around the cities of the world with George...renting...OR BUYING super fancy cars... to tool around in...waving at the locals...saying, "Ciao"...wearing palazzo pants...or maybe my Lululemon top...because it was a casual day...then getting onto my yacht for a break.
Okay...alright...a lot of these things have to do with money...and fanciness...I know...but...it is my fancy list...so why not...I am almost 45...we gotta dream big.
So, there you have it...FOR NOW...this is my big list, Universe.
AND, by the way, Universe....if my Mom did win that lottery...and is not telling us...I will find out...
P.S. IF ANY of you find yourself in the position to honour any of these requests...message me. :)