South Africa, Friggen Adele and NYC REVIEW!

Holy poop, I am in Africa.
South Africa, to be exact...Cape Town to be even more specific.
It has occured to me that it is the first time that anyone from my family has been this far south of the equator...again, holy poop.
It took about 30 hours to get here...the crowning glories of that was the Ativan and the family that didn’t show up to sit in the 3 seats beside me, therefore freeing up a space of 4 seats between me and Georgie on a 14 hour flight. Score.
(FYI: Cooch fell asleep in the TO airport and was never truly awake again. Little lamb)
I watched two episodes of America’s Next Top Model (suck it, judgers) the movie Brave...another movie that was so awesome I promptly have forgotten what it was (it could have been the Ativan) and 7 episodes of the Season 1 of “The Good Wife” (HOW have I not watched this till now...I loves.)
Then I arrived in Johannesburg and was met by fabulous people and a “Mean Girls” convention...and not in the good way...like...it wasn’t people who loved the movie and recognized me...that is never shitty...let us be honest...BUT a bunch of pretty girls (LIKE 30 of them) who, when I asked them a question about what rows the plane was boarding promptly looked at me like I had said, “I just dipped myself in poo, wanna sniff?”...and they said that they could not help me.
Which is amazing because it seems all anyone wants to do in South Africa is help you out. It is really a wonder. The best service, the kindest people...and some of the lovliest views I have ever seen...and I have not left my hotel very much yet...so that is saying something.
Today, I am planning my sightseeing and writing this blog before I do so many things that I can’t remember an effing thing.
I got here and THE NEXT DAY got into my venue, did a sound check and then did a show!! WHAT THE WHAT!?!?
It is a spectacular venue...wait...here it is...

 

Taj Hotel Lobby, South Africa

 

Can you take how fancy it is?
And Cooch has a grand piano...and the audience was just lovely...I am back in a cabaret style space...and I forgot how much I love it...fancy couches...wing back chairs...so many amazing things...a dude gave me a cup of tea that came with a sand timer...to show me when it had steeped...it is the simple joys, really.
The next day we all were off...and we went to the Greenmarket to see what the flea market had to offer...there is a hard sell going on people...and this Canadian gal can hardly walk away...these vendors bring their entire shop, including the booth with all the tables...with them every day...it is astounding, really. 

We love the instagram and Cooch is especially good at it.

That night we (George, Cooch and myself) went with our new friend and fellow cabaret artist from London, Chris Green, to a place recommended to us by a pal...it is called Marco’s and it offers authentic SA cuisine...and a floor show.
When we came in there was a band on marimbas and drums and they were singing, playing and dancing...and it kept on...
While they performed we ordered our dinner (Of things such as springbok, ostrich and kudu) and watched a koo koo night unfold.
There were many characters...a surly waitress, a sinister (Chris Green’s words) boobie lady, a high heeled traveller...so many...but before I go any farther...I want to tell you the food was grand and the restaurant was awesome...there was just a koo-koo-ness about it all, people.
The band was so hard working and there were three women who fronted it and, as I said earlier, they danced, sang and played the instuments...and then this woman insterted herself...she had on a tightwasted trench coat that seemed to be a part of her emsemble...she wore it over a blouse of some sort...but she had it undone to just above her belly button...and she was jumping and dancing...and she had some of the biggest boobs I have ever seen. I could not tell if the band knew her or was just tolerating her OR was simply happy to let her do some of the work for them. This woman was stalking the club like a cheetah...and she was bringing men and women up to the stage...and one woman she brought up had a 6 inch heel on...and this high heeled traveller had had a few...I thought she was gonna go over like the Titanic. She started to come towards our table and Chris Green said he would pretend to be overwrought (which he did) and I would console him (which I tried to do)...Sinister Boobie Lady looked at me and told me she “Wanted ME” and I told her I was sick...and vaguely pointed towards my middle section (Universe forgive me) and then I pointed at Cooch...she took him...sorry, Cooch. And then she came back and I had turned my head from Chris Green for one second and then she had him too... (FYI: George told her he had a heart condition....Universe forgive him, too)
WELL, the dancing that happened with Chris and Cooch was epic and these two pictures don’t do them justice...the blur is because they were moving so effing fast...I laughed so hard I coughed up a lung.
 



 

 

When they came back to the table the three ladies began to sing...so beautifully...in another language...and I could recognize the tune but not place it...and then slowly they slipped into english... “Never mind I’ll find someone like you...”...fucking Adele...lord, is there a place on this earth that woman has NOT invaded.
The food came...it was awesome...we laughed and ate...and a wonderful night was had by all!!
Yesterday, we went to Victoria Wharf, which has a gorgeous mall and the best view of Robben Island that I have seen yet (please, keep in mind we have many more places to go!). Robben Island was where Nelson Mandela was held for 27 years...also a leper colony...among other things...and I cannot wait to visit.
I just stopped writing to look out my window to see a whale splashing around in the harbour...lord...it was singing Adele, too. (Wouldn’t that be hysterical?)
There are so many places I want to see.
I am so honoured that I was asked to come here.
My second show was another excellent experience. I love my room. My soundman. The grand piano...being in a dressing room with all these amazing international performers...we are talking Brel, Brecht and Britney. It is a mash up, people.
I have 12 more days here, 9 shows and one big gala night.
This gig is really a dream come true.
Here are some of my shots, so far...plus a lovely review I just got for my NEW YORK CITY run of #GOLD! 

Cooch sleeping began....

View out of my hotel window

Plaque just outside my performance space.

Night window view.

There is a big mountain at the top of that street that the sun is blocking...but I like the pic of me and G.

Beautiful

The Irish pub we found in South Africa on Canadian ThanksGiving.

 

And, thanks to Andrew Martin of NiteLifeExchange for this lovely review of my shows in NEW YORK CITY!!!

Sharron Matthews: Still a Superstar

When singer Sharron Matthews first emerged on the New York nightlife scene three seasons ago, she went so far out on a limb as to bill herself as a "superstar" and claim this was the start of her "world domination tour." Indeed, a large section of the cabaret cognoscenti could scarcely believe that a virtual unknown, from as far away as Canada yet, would have the unmitigated gall to label herself thusly. But it was soon clear why the lady

wholeheartedly deserves that moniker

With her powerhouse presence and spectacular pipes besides a gift for humor that borders on genius, Matthews has since played on stages worldwide to ovation after spectacular ovation, including London, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and currently, South Africa. She's also conquered film and television in major motion pictures and Canadian series. And when she recently came to Flute Bar in the Gramercy Park area (which, though perhaps not the greatest venue for her because of its intimacy and odd interior layout), she proved once again that she may be the most exciting thing to have happened in cabaret since Bette Midler at the Continental Baths.

Matthews's musical selections center around the art of the "mashup," relying almost solely of a pop sensibility, and this most recent show provides more of the same. From the outset, when she mixes Pink's "I'm Comin' Up" with "I've Got the Music in Me," the roller coaster ride has merely begun to soar to the skies. After some hilarious commentary as always, this time about the Kardashians, she completely knocks it out of the park with "The Glamorous Life" by Sheila E mixed with "Paparazzi," and she couldn't possibly do better than with what she calls her "Hooker Medley 2012," featuring Donna Summer's "Bad Girls," "Lady Marmalade" by Patti LaBelle, and "Acid Queen" by The Who. A final standout is Tom Eyen and Henry Krieger's "One Night Only" from Dreamgirls merged with "Call Me" by Blondie.

Again, Flute Bar, although bordering on elegant, isn't really exactly in the running to compete with such other more appropriate spaces in which Matthews has performed here in the Big Apple, such as Joe's Pub. But the simple fact remains that regardless of where she performs, the formidable talents of Sharron Matthews simply transform any club into a happening event. 

When next she returns to New York, she must be seen, savored and shared.

RIP The Princess of Wales Theatre.

When I was in 'Les Mis' (the first time) at the Royal Alex back in 1991, I got up early one morning to go to the ground breaking of the new theatre that the Mirvish were building. 

The Princess of Wales.

There was a note up at the Alex from the Mirvish that they hoped we would all come down to the empty lot see the big event taking place. We all grumbled and groaned...and we  felt it was bit manditory...but we were all so glad we went.

When do you get to see the ground breaking for a new expensive, exciting theatre...when?! IN CANADA!?! WHEN!?

We saw the model for the new space, then there was a banner that unfurled with "Miss Saigon" on it...and there was a golden spade that was used by Ed Mirvish...was it Ed or David...my memory fails me a bit...but the day was sunny and I was 23 years old...all was possible, people.

All the Les Mis-ers went out for breakfast and talked about these possibilities.

THAT was a very exciting time.

'Les Mis' was running, 'Phantom' was running...'Aspects of Love' was just starting...I had begun the million auditions and call backs that I had for 'Showboat' (one of the first shows that originated in TO to make it to Broadway...along with 'Kiss of the Spiderwoman') we did a big concert version of 'Chess' on the Alex stage with a huge orchestra and all the cast from 'Les Mis', 'Phantom' and "Aspects of Love' ....and then 'Crazy for You' came along...'Miss Saigon,', of course...'Sunset Boulevard'...there was an amazing workshop/festival that Garth Drabinsky brought up to the North York Centre for the Performing Arts...where they did workshops for "Songs For A New World", "Ragtime"...a musical version of Anne Rice's "Cry to Heaven"...among other amazing projects...yes, most of the these workshops were populated with Americans that Garth brought up (in a 64 person cast of 'Showboat' there were only 6 Canadians) but I am firmly convinced that I would not have gotten to play a lead in 'Beauty and the Beast' if it were not for that Showboat credit... 'Beauty and the Beast...Rent...Jane Eyre.....Mamma Mia followed much later....as I said, it was an exciting time...all things were possible.

It seemed like there were at least 2 auditions a week...American casting directors were coming up to cast for US Tours and for Broadway...and it felt like it was only going to get better...well, we all know what happened...was it SARS? The dollar, the economy....or do we really have a finite audience here? Who knows.

It was a wonderful time when there was great excitement about many things...but one of the most exciting for myself and many others was the interest that there was surrounding Canadian musical theatre performers. Magic.

And the Mirvish built that wonderful theatre...the Princess of Wales was and is truly glorious.

I have had the good fortune to perform in two productions there...'Beauty and the Beast' and, 7 years after playing a swing in the chorus of 'Les Mis' I got to come the Princess of Wales as Madame Thenardier, alongside Colm Wilkinson, in a North American tour of the show...lord...full circle. I was so effing nervous on opening night that I promised myself that  if I made it through without vomiting, falling over or majorly effing up the words I would consider myself a success. It was an amazing night. I was brought to Cameron Mackintosh at the opening night party...yes, brought...and he and I sat and had a conversation...he was very kind and complimentary...and I went to the bathroom after and wept. 

The closing night of 'Beauty and the Beast'  at the Princess of Wales, we were all at the party and Ed and Anne Mirvish left hastily. We found out that Princess Diana had died in a car accident a few hours earlier. As we walked by the front of the theatre the flowers had already begun to collect.

When I heard the news of the...what shall we call it...removal...of the Princess of Wales I was sad...but not surprised really. 

David Mirvish has always loved art and architecture. More than the theatre? Who can say?  

Ed Mirvish loved the theatre...he used to come to visit us at the Alex all the time...coming through the crew room to say hello to us before the show. Olden times, people.

I have to say, I agree with Richard Ouzounian on this...if we can't fill the theatres, why not try to use the space in another way.

I know a bunch of you are freaking as I say this...but why waste the space?

People aren't coming to big theatre like they used to.

Nothing has a long run...unless it is a juke box musical...and that went the way of Mamma Mia...that was the last...We Will Rock You and Rock of Ages couldn't even keep it going.

I do wonder why the Mirvish blocked Aubrey Dan from getting a theatre in TO, only to bulldoze the Princess. It seems a bit selfish.

I know Dan has gone his way...he tried to do some theatre here...not in the way that everyone wanted him to...but what might have been different if he had had the Pantages...maybe not much...but who knows?

The bulldozing seems like a huge waste of money...but, it is his money, I guess...so what can we say?

I am glad for companies like Acting Up Stage...who are executing exciting contemporary musical pieces that people are flocking to and their casts are different every year...pulling from all of our amazing musical theatre performers.

Maybe the era of the big musical is done.

Maybe this is the time of smaller works,  independent producers and performers...people creating their own work...people generating their own audiences...touring our works around the world! 

I do wish that there was more work for our musical theatre performers. I do wish that Canada would take us and our work more seriously. BUT it is what it is. We will lose our performers to NY and to London...which is maybe not a bad thing...maybe they will go away and come back and take this country by storm. What if?

If you think something is the end...then it is...or we can create a more exciting future. 

I do think it is up to us.

P.S. or whatever one writes to add something! 
I forgot the wonderful Angelwalk Theatre Company...in that very theatre complex where I did the Showboat and a bunch of my own cabarets up in North York...doing amazing, contemporary equity musicals...I saw their 'Title of Show" and loved loved loved it. WAY TO GO!!! 
SEE all the new theatre cropping up!!!
Be hopeful and brave my people!

FAME!!! DEAN PITCHFORD!! SETH RUDETSKY!!! NEW YORK CITY, BITCHES!!

There was a day that changed my life back in 1984.

None of the people there probably paid it a second thought or have recalled it since then.

It was the day I belonged...yes...lordy...I know, I know...but true...and I pretty sure they didn't know.

The cast of the 'Wiz of Oz' (yes, the people who give the rights to these shows would have been mad to hear that our wonderful director had cherry picked the best songs and script from each show to make one uber high school version) had gone to Mother's Pizza to celebrate our closing. One of the cast members got up to make a speech, he was very cool...almost too cool to be in the school musical...and near the end of his speech he said, "Well, let us just all agree, that Sharron Matthews is Doris Schwartz from 'Fame'."

One might think I should be insulted...she wasn't the coolest or the prettiest character on the TV show BUT in the movie...she was pretty and cool. AND I loved the movie.

So, please imagine my surprise when Seth Rudetsky agreed to have me on his Sirius show again, Seth Speaks, and George, Cooch and I went to sign in the fancy Sirius building on the Avenue of America for the show and just above my name was written 'Dean Pitchford'.

Wait.

I know that name...why why why?

WE were ushered into the waiting room and a trio of gents greeted us...Dean, his husband Michael and their friend were so lovely to us. And I asked his husband, as quietly as I could...if Dean had written the book for Footloose...I remember seeing his name on the front of my libretto...Michael smiled and whispered back that he wrote the score and the book...and all the songs...and that he had won an Oscar for writing the song, "Fame".

Holy mother effing...I could hear George chatting excitedly with Dean about all that he has done...before we go any farther I wanna say that Dean Pitchford is one of the nicest, most modest people I have ever met...and this dude has done some living and working people.

Doing the show was a blast...Seth is hysterical...he is very kind to have me on...the show will feature Penny Marshall, Dean and myself...what the what...I sang a tune...we talked and tried to be funny on the radio...which is a challenge when you can't mug (as Seth pointed out a number of times) and use your hands.

Cooch crapped his pants as Seth sat and watched him play his grand piano...but he rocked it.

The best part was sitting in the interview chairs and listening to Dean tell his wonderful stories.

I had to close my mouth a number of times.

I was just in awe.

Before the show started we were chatting...here...

Seth, Dean and myself in the fancy Sirius Studio!

Dean and ME!!!

And talking about how much we like Sirius radio for the Bway channel...he said that he once stayed in the car to listen to "Make Our Garden Grow" from Candide....and I told him how much I loved the ending of that song when the orchestra drops out and then voices go through these intricate harmonies without music underneath and he got excited and said that he had used that in the end of "I Sing The Body Electric", and he demonstrated it to me...and then I said,  giddily, "You wrote that too...?"

He smiled.

He told story after amazing story...to Seth's delight and to all of ours...

He was in the original production of 'Godspell'.

He played Pippin in 'Pippin' and told stories about what it was like to work with Bob Fosse and Ben Vereen.

His original writing partners were people like Alan Menken, Stephen Schwartz and Rupert Holmes...

He wrote songs with Kenny Loggins, Peter Allen...he wrote "All the Man That I Need" for freakin' Whitney Houston.

He wrote 'Carrie' and when Seth asked him when he knew the original production in London was going wrong...and Dean said, "The first day of rehearsal"...he worked on 'Carrie' for 32 years.

(He was actually there on that day for the release of the first soundtrack of "Carrie".)

He wrote the screen play for 'Footloose'... not based on a previous piece of literature but an article he saw in the paper...and wrote all of the songs...with writers like Kenny Loggins.

He talked about writing 'Fame' and how he came with the idea for "I Sing The Body Electric" ...and I was sitting in my chair...trying not to cry.

What good fortune had brought me to this spot...I could not get over the moment...

What an amazing experience...after the show was done and we all said goodbye and Georgie took our picture...

We all walked away talking about how amazing the whole thing was.

Fame was just such a huge part of my life...of George's life.

Did you know the movie was originally called, "Hot Lunch"?

I DIDN'T!!!!

It was just a moment.

Thank you, universe.

Thank you, Seth.

OH! And thank you to Ward Morehouse III who gave me the loveliest review and then had me on Broadway After Dark TV...

Myself, Ward and a hysterical camera/tech dude named James...so funny....

Life is strange and wonderful...and sometimes effed, no doubt...but mostly an adventure.

The shows I did here were awesome...so many amazing people came out...I enjoyed myself thoroughly...and send out a thanks to all the people who supported me down here!!

GOLD IN NYC!!!

Here are some of the peeps who came out!!

Cooch, Jen Effin WAISER (Pirate Queen)  in the house, as well as the FABU Starr Domingue (so talented)  and the beautiful Trish Lackey (director extraordinaire)!!

My OLD pal Chris Shyer (just played Nixon in J. Edgar!) and cabaret wonder Gabi Epstein!

My love George, THE Cooch, handsome Sion, breath taking Scott, Sassy Perry,  naughty Michael, guy who I loved but learned his name AFTER I had a glass of wine SORRY! and  AWESOME TJ, and  GORGEOUS Kelly...many pals of the SUPPORTIVE AND WONDERFUL John AUSTIN!

The extraordinary Scott Freethy

Me and David (who is a Marcus Nance fan!)

Me and Teresa...also a Marcus Nance FAN!!!

I left this in because this dude is priceless...his name is Shaun...I did him a bit naughty so I had to buy him a beer.....

There were so many amazing people there! So many!!
Tomorrow we make our way back...what a time we had....

 

NEXT STOP!?!? 

South Africa!!!

GOLD 2012...3 countries...4 cities...one more to go!!!

 

GOLD review in NYC.

What a lovely review of my first NYC show last night!! Who would not want to be in the group of people mentioned below?

"Sharron Matthews is the 'Statue of Liberty' of cabaret and comedy!  The roguish and rompish singer/comedienne has no equal in her native Canada or invading America as she did at Flute
Bar this week. Think of Rosy 0'Donnell, Phyllis Diller - and going back to Broadway superstar history, Beatrice Lillie - with a fabulous voice to boot and you have Sharon Matthews!"
       -- Ward Morehouse III, Black Tie Magazine 

How lovely!

It is Monday, September 24th, 2012...what are you doing tonight and tomorrow night?

Come and see me...

http://www.ticketfly.com/event/145839/ 

#GOLD flies into NY for just THREE SHOWS!!! CONTAINS TEASER VID!!

Yes, this kook koo lady has had some rest...I have laid in state...just like fricken Evita...to get my shit all rested up for what? FOR WHAT!?!? NEW YORK CITY!! 

YES, I said it!! NEW YORK CITY in three days...the autumn...crisp air...leaves blowing...hair sprayed down within an INCH of it's life...ah, yes...Sharron in NEW YORK!!

It is my first trip to NY since my awesome, fab, excellent and wonderful sold out nights at Joe's Pub back in 2010.

Memories...light the corners...of m' mind...

I am bringing my hit show straight from Edinburgh and London to a whole new VENUE!!!

Flute Bar and Lounge 

40 East 20th Street 

NYC!

Show starts at 9:00pm on Sunday, September 23rd  and then 8:00pm on Monday, September 24th and Tuesday September 25th. 

Tickets are $25 if you buy online or $30 at the door.

Buy your tickets for any of the three nights here! Links to all nights on the upper right hand side of this page....

http://www.ticketfly.com/event/145835/ 

You wanna take a gander?
Here is a petite (that is the limit of my highschool french...sad times) teaser VID Of GOLD!!! HAPPY TIMES!!!

RAVE Reviews for

 "Sharron Matthews Superstar: GOLD 2012"

THE SCOTSMAN
"A  voice as big, beautiful, and varied as her native Canada."
"I thought she’d burst a blood vessel – or that I would, from laughing."
- The Scotsman 4 Stars **** named "HOT SHOW"



http://www.scotsman.com/lifestyle/performing-arts/review-sharron-matthews-superstar-gold-pleasance-courtyard-1-2459042


THE SCOTSMAN
GOLD named one of the TOP CABARETS of the 2012 Fringe.

http://www.scotsman.com/lifestyle/music/news-and-features/edinburgh-festival-fringe-top-cabaret-shows-so-far-1-2458959


Broadway Baby
"By the time the show is over, it seems like it has just begun. Matthews’ ability to banter and get familiar with her audience makes them feel like they only just got to know her. One thing is certain, Sharron is pure Gold."
- Broadway Baby 5 Stars *****

http://www.broadwaybaby.com/listing.php?id=16588&refresh=true


Three Weeks Edinburgh
"Brilliant comic timing and phenomenal vocals, showcased in particular during a genuinely heartfelt rendition of Radiohead’s ‘Creep’, showed Sharron to be more than just a dazzling disco diva. Fabulously flamboyant and full of energy, this side-splitting show is pure ‘Gold’."
- Three Weeks Edinburgh 5 STARS *****

http://www.threeweeks.co.uk/article/ed2012-cabaret-review-sharron-matthews-superstar-gold-climar-productions/


The New Current
"It would be hard to find the slightest of faults in this show delivered with class, originality, and passion, Sharron Matthews is a breath of fresh-air and produces a show that has the packed house roaring."
-The New Current 5 Stars *****
Also named one of the 50 Tops Shows of Edinburgh Fringe.
Sharron was named "Woman of the Year" by the 2012 NEW CURRENT

http://www.thenewcurrent.com/2012/08/17/top-50-edinburgh-fringe-show-2012-review-sharron-matthews-superstar-gold/#!prettyPhoto[Gallery]/0/

The Curtain Up Show
"Sharron Matthews is a refreshing, bold, extremely talented and naturally comedic performer. It is encouraging to see a cabaret show being performed with raw, natural, witty, dynamic talent. Sharron Matthews truly is the Superstar!"
- The Curtain Up Show 6 STARS ******

http://thecurtainupshow.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/sharron-matthews-superstar-gold/

Funny Women
"This is one of those shows that sum up the art of Performance, with a capital ‘P’.  Sharron is 100% Performer with a capital ‘P’ and a huge stage presence."
-Funny Women 4 Stars ****

http://www.funnywomen.com/magazine.php?a=547


Scotsgay
"Her voice is superior too and the choice of music certainly shows her range. Performing classic songs and adding a unique twist, or occasionally throwing out the original tune and rebuilding a song from scratch – there are many stand-out moments. Personal favourites included beautiful new arrangements of ‘Sweet Child of Mine’ and ‘Love Stoned’. And I adored what she did with the hitherto innocent sound of ‘Hotel California’."
- Scotsgay 4 Stars ****

http://sgfringe.com/2012/08/11/sharron-matthews-superstar-gold/

One4Review
"Once again, Sharron Matthews delights in an all-too-quick hour of top-class comedy cabaret. She welcomes every audience member as they come in, instantly putting people at ease and you just know you’re going to enjoy the next hour. Her rapport with the audience is a joy and she has us eating out of the palm of her hands."
-One4Review 5 Stars*****
http://one4review.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/sharron-matthews-superstar-gold/

George + Sharron Forever. 18 Years.

As of tomorrow George and I will have been married for 18 years...18 years of this. What would I do without him? I love him more than cheese, chips, swimming, summer, music, writing, feeling thin, lots of money and any other awesome thing I can think of. Thanks to the universe and my Dad for sending him to me.

Team #GOLD goes to 10 Downing Street...SERIOUSLY!!!

There are many perks to being in the entertainment industry.

Just to be clear, there are also many "i just got shit on in the middle of a typhoon" moments also...not that we are an overly dramatic, mercurial and generally over-the-top people or anything...let me just say THAT before we go any farther.

But, there are many exciting things that I have gotten to experience because of my work or my travel...like going to the White House lawn on the 4th of July and meeting Bill Clinton...well, George actually shook his hand. AND getting the Secret Service tour of the White House. Pretty cool.

But yesterday...was the fucking shit. And I mean shit in the good way.

We have a dear friend in Stratford, named Dirk,  who was so excited that we were coming to London and he wanted us to meet his half sister while here...she and her hubby to be...so, a couple of days ago, we met them for drinks in Leicester Square. Hit it off. Thank friggen god! Because those situations can always be daunting...

Bob, who is the hubby-to-be, is a cop...a Bobbie...a copper.

He has an awesome accent, a wicked sense of humour and an amazing tolerance for wine....but I digress...

He is marrying Tracey, Dirk's wonderful and lovely half sister.

During the time we sat on the patio in the kookoo Leicester Square, Bob asks us if we might want to go and see 10 Downing Street...the house of the Prime Minister. 

Well, if you walk down Whitehall you can gaze down Downing Street...past the gates, the military with machine guns and what not...and ALMOST see the house.

I guess, until Margret Thatcher was in office you could actually drive down Downing Street...but then someone tried to off her...a number of times...and then they put up a lot...a lot of barriers...so, it is a military zone, really.

People stand out front of the gates and look in...BUT NOT US, BITCHES!!!

YES! This hee haw group of Canucks...George, Cooch and Myself...Team #GOLD (without our fabu UK counterparts who are busy already onto a NEW project! Check out www.climarproductions.com for info about "The Last Session!) got to follow our Bobbie pal, Bob and go past those gates, past the military, past the check points into the inner sanctum...what the eff!??!?!
Super big deal.
SUPER!
Unbelievable!!
Thanks to BOB!
Look at us GO!

OUTSIDE THE GATES! FILLED WITH EXCITEMENT!!!

YES YES YES!!!

WE MADE IT THRU!!! THE OTHER SIDE!! I AM BEYOND EXCITED!

George is trying to keep it calm...so many GUNS and seriousness!!

 

All of the police and military were SO VERY KIND AND LOVELY!

WHAT!?!?! HERE WE ARE!?!?!?

Yes, I am in disbelief!!! We had to wait to go to the door because there was media for some kinda Cabinet reshuffle...people fired and hired...

COOCH, TOO!!!

COME IN!

LOOK AT US!! George was terrified that the touching the door would set an alarm off....yes...I am in sneakers like a mid western gal...but you GOTTA WALK ALL OVER LONDON!!!

Oh ya, I also met this DUDE!!

Thanks to BOB and Tracey, who took such wonderful care of us and showed us the sights one might not see on a regular tour...so kind and so generous.
LONDON has been so wonderful and welcoming...except for that Bitch at the National Gallery...who inspired a very popular blog post (NO$$$ SCORE 10!)
And this tour yesterday with Bob...which was ALL FOR FREE!! (NO$$$ SCORE 11!)
 

"FREE FUN IN LONDON" Challenge and the Bitch at the National Gallery.

So, the last notes have been sung...the piano is put away. Hermine Ginggold (my fancy dress) is in her travel bag. It was an amazing London weekend. Really! The show at the Tristan Bates was SOLD OUT! And the Longacre was fabulous and cabaret-ie and ALSO SOLD OUT!
30 shows. 4 venues. 3 countries. 
And NOW we (George, Cooch and Myself) move onto leg TWO of #GOLD! Thanks to Rob, Huw, Anjale and Simon. here in the UK! Team #GOLD rocks. ROCKS!

BUT that is not what THIS blog is about...not totally. 

This blog is EVENTUALLY about a bitch that we met at the National Portrait Gallery.

Yes, George, Cooch and I met at the Westminster Abbey today to do some very exhausted sight seeing. 

After we found out that is effing £16 to go thru a CHURCH!!! A CHURCH!!! AN abbey, people..WHATEVER! This seems wrong...there is a different line up for people paying cash and others paying by credit...two different queues...WESTMINSTERCRABBY! (STOLEN from The Simpsons)

Jesus Wept...and then tried to buy a ticket to my London shows...but they were done...so he is now on TicketFly.com buying for New York City in two weeks....

But I digress...we decided that our challenge, on this beautiful London day, would be to see the sights as cheaply as possible.

It looks like Ben has been photoshopped and that George photobombed.

And WHAT a challenge that is, my friends. I LOVE me some LONDON but this town is EXPENSIVE! (Last week George and I went to see the Dark Knight Rises and it cost $85...for a MOVIE!!! I just about plotzed.) SO, yes, it is a challenge...but a challenge that we are just tired enough to embark on and then get pissed off about at numerous junctures.

We started carefree and gay (used here with the old school meaning for all three of us...) as we marched thru one million foot traffic barriers in St. James Park because of the Paralympics. You see, George really wanted to walk down the Mall...that is pronounced Malle...rhyming with Gal or Pal...or GalPal if you wish...he wanted to walk down the Mall to Buckingham Palace...it seems a small wish...and was a tall order, it turns out.

We got to the Mall and a young lady who was wearing a security parka (and was none too happy about it in the 29 degree heat, let me tell you WHAT!) and protecting said Mall from the likes of us, told us, very kindly and with great humour (though she looked terribly fucking overheated from wearing that Paralympic parka) that we couldn't walk on the Mall...we could walk back and forth across it a number of times, looking at the castle as we passed and then pretend we went the whole length...but that was the best she could offer at this time. I applauded her sense of humour and feel like I got some local stand up comedy for free. (NO$$$ Score!)

So, we turned back into the park and amused ourselves by making art on the instagram. (NO$$$ Score 2!)

Here are a couple of the works of art we came up with.

You are welcome in advance.

George got a topiary crown and I think I am on ANTM.

This is for our friend Mike Bickerton who is afraid of birds...showing that there is Danger EVERYWHERE. See the levels...Cooch in the front...the birds in the centre....George looming, surprisingly, in the back....see...you are welcome.

Then we thought we might break the bank a BIT and go through Buckingham Palace.

£18.

Really.

REALLY?

Does she really need that money?

We decided to stick to our original plan.

We looked at the outside.

Beautiful.

Imagined the inside (NO$$$ Score 3!)...which we already kinda saw during the opening ceremonies when Daniel Craig went and got the lady who is overcharging for tours of her home and he threw her out of a helicopter in a cocktail dress. Just saying.

Moved on.

We thought, "Hey! Maybe we can get on a bus and spend a bit of money and get the most bang for our buck!"

£26 for the tour bus...which, granted, the ticket lasts for 24 hours and there is a boat tour AND a walking tour...but it just seemed a bit too steep to really justify fitting it into our original challenge.

So, we grabbed a cab for 5 quid and got the driver to tell us a couple of anecdotes about driving during the Olympics. Lots of "throw up" stories. 

So, we got a ride to Trafalgar Square and some storytelling for £5. (Some$$$ but still SCORE 4!)

WE were now looking for inspiration...and it came in the form of the door to the NATIONAL PORTAIT GALLERY...yes, people, we are getting closer. 

We go into the cafe part and have a bit of expensive tea and a £3 scone (Cooch likes his with just the clotted cream, George likes his with butter and jam, Me with clotted cream and jam. Just FYI) but justify the expense because A: we are starving and B: The Gallery is FREE! (Sort of NO$$$ Score 5!)

I love the National Portrait Gallery in Edinburgh and this one is no different...well, it is different in that it is in London with different portraits... LOVES.

WE went up to the very top of the building and started with the Tudors...portraits of Henry VIII, Catherine of Aragon...and all the young ladies who lost their heads to Henry's lust for...well, for lots of stuff...and as we stood in front of portrait of a young monarch who didn't live to see his 11th birthday, I commented on how it was brutal to be royalty back then. You either died young of the dread diseases from being inbred or someone shoved you away in a tower and/or hung you or  maybe you were offed by some other person/people who wanted the throne. So, it was kind of shit, really, to be royal back in the day, no matter how awesome the pantaloons, the castles  and the cash were.

George and Cooch (and, of course, myself, who NEVER misses a chance to laugh at my own questionable jokes) shared a chuckle...I think theirs was a pity chuckle...but again, I digress...

Now, before I continue on, I didn't scream this out...it was a quiet joke between the three of us...I am not a idiot...and you gotta admit...you had kind of shit odds of living long as a royal back then. 

AND this woman who was KINDA near us wings around and comes all up into our personal space, stares at us, right up in our grills for a couple of minutes,  and then asks us in an accent I can't quite place ...where we are from...with a VERY superior attitude. 

I feel that this will be a very special moment.

I say we are from Canada.

She says, "Ah, you are laughing at all of this because your country doesn't have any history. You don't understand (and here she indicates all of the portraits around the room) what it is like to have culture. You are new and so you have no understanding of these things."

George and I remain quiet...mostly stunned and then turn to each other...then I say, "We have a lot of history in Canada...we were actually part of this Dominion that started...um....(here it is clear that I have no idea what I am talking about really, but I am getting mad and feel that I need to say something smart-ish...then)...wait, why am I justifying myself to you?"

She says, "London is where all culture gathers...it is all right here...everything is here...you only have to walk a few blocks to see where all history began...you don't understand." 

And she is NOW physically looking down her nose at us.
(May I add here that our dear friend, COOCH, has sidled away like a mouse from a stomping horse...probably wise...probably wise.)

I ask her, "Are you from London?"

She say, "Yes."

I say, "You know what? Someone who is elitist, who feels like they OWN the culture and history, and wishes to give the rest of the lovely people who  live in London a bad name would  say something like that...How small minded...ironically." Okay...I didn't say the small minded part and I wasn't even close to being eloquent...I was sputtering and spitting out words...please give me a pass...I have been trying to be funny everyday for over a month. It is taxing.

George, not ready to get too far into it on a name calling level simply says, "Actually, we were enjoying a private joke, because we have senses of humour. That is what we have in Canada. Which YOU clearly don't understand." 

(NO$$$ SUPERSCORE 6!) 

She starts to talk about how much she loves Canada, WAY TOO LATE, and George is looking so far over her head he can see France (which is south, right?).

I just want her to disappear.

Which she finally does...after trying to back pedal for far too long. 

Go away, small woman.

What a bitch.

George said he wishes Auntie Pat was present...that woman would not have know her own name after chatting with Auntie Pat for a while. Sigh. 

WAIT! Imagining Auntie Pat taking that lady to task.

(NO$$$ SCORE 7!)

So, we walk around the building imagining what we should have said, what Auntie Pat would say...looking at beautiful portraits...and observing that the high waisted pant guys really needed dance belts...

NOT a good angle for me...but you get the idea....they look like they have bananas in their pants...they do...

I don't want to go on too much longer...but the three of us wandered around for hours...looking at the theatres, opera houses, Covent Garden, beautiful stores, gorgeous buildings...we laughed, talked and looked for free Wi-FI...Pret a Manger (NO$$$ Score 8!) and during these times we found...

The "Loo of the year".

They have awards for everything. I wonder how many stars it got and if it read like a 5 star.

Incidentally...it smelled overwhelmingly of pee, here.

(NO$$$ SCORE 9!)

AND, happily, we put the questionable pillow that Cooch slept on in Scotland back out into the world...to be free...and bring joy to others...now THAT is just priceless.

Am I wrong?

Am I?

Thanks for making us challenge ourselves London!

You are filled with awesome people, beautiful sights, lots of free fun...and one bitch of a woman who owns ALL the culture. 

Who knew?