Sunday, October 18, 2009

Britney, Boo and Myself on a Scottish Adventure

This time last year I was in Scotland. The is a kirkyard....or is it kirk...people, it is a cemetary in Edinburgh that we came back to later that night and paid to have ourselves made nauseous due to stories about torture and then have the shit scared out of us while we crouched in a fucking the pitch girl from Wales was so terrified she cried and held my hand the whole time.
Ah...good times.
I LOVED that trip so much.
I saw so many beautiful places.
I went on one big adventure.
And in honour of that adventure I am reposting a story that I recently rewrote for a grant application.

Britney, Boo and Myself on a Scottish Adventure
by Sharron Matthews (and as usual, these stories are also lived through by Sharron Matthews

So, there I was in this quaint little fishing town in western Scotland...near the Isle of Bute...I don’t care how juvenile it sounds...that words sounds like...looks like...Butt...and reminds me of a movie that I saw at my friend Thom’s house called ‘Lust in the Dust’ starring Tab Hunter, Divine and Lanie which you see that word...Bute...tattooed on Lanie Kazan’s stunt ass...she had a stunt ass... if you don’t know what I mean...or believe it, watch the movie. I digressed...already... So, there I was in Tarbert, Scotland, at a pink hotel...when two ‘bear’ type males walked into the dining room during dinner and winked at me...I knew it was a gay friendly hotel....the fact that it was painted PINK should have been my clue.....I love that I can travel thousands of miles and still find a fan base. The hotel is near Tarbert Castle, home of...ready for it?...Robert the Bruce...I know of him because of...Braveheart...with that Mel Mel may be a bigoted, short, racist, anti-Semitic bastard...but he made a good movie. Remember Robert the Bruce was portrayed by that dishy Angus Macfayden....I don’t know why his career never took off...he did the Braveheart movie and then then next thing I saw him in was the ‘Ya Ya Sisterhood’ movie with that Sandra Bullock...who I love...judge me as you will. I wonder if Angus thinks that Gerrard Butler got his career,,,,maybe there was only room for one scottish dude....Gerrard is scottish, right?....or is he Irish? HEY! Did you know that the Scottish descended from the Irish in about 300AD??? REALLY!!! Do NOT bring it up in conversation over there.... WHAT THE EFF WAS I TALKING ABOUT???!!! (Underscore with random scottish music) Oh ya...Tarbert Castle...very cool...a bit of a ruin and I COULD not wait to get up there to it! Because I am a bit of a castle whore. Now my husband George had been sick since we arrived...he got the pleurisy from the hacking dude who sat beside me on the plane...we sat down and the dude started to cough and I turned to George with a pursed mouth. But I didn’t get sick...just poor Georgie... I was so sad for him...I want to help make him feel better...But I also want to climb around the in the Sound of Music...but Scottish. I go off to the chemist...the get cold medicine for Georgie. And while I walked through the town with my paper sack of stuff I stared at the castle up on the hill....the city is surrounded by hills....mountains...the Scottish call them burns.....I wanted to see that damned castle....I asked George if he minded if I he lay in bed looking like death....handsome...but still death warmed..... “Hack, go...hack, cough” “No I couldn’t...” ( I run out the door) I had never been across the ocean...or by myself across the ocean. I wanted to go on a solo adventure. Now if you have not been there...everything is a freaking climb in anything...wanna scone?...climb that hill. I make it up the effing hill to the ruins of the castle and I am taking one hundred pictures...I heard a rumble behind me...I turned very quickly...and a stag runs by me...not 80 guys...but a stag...with stopped and looked at me...and I tried very slowly to raise my camera but it mistook my camera for a gun or some such thing and took off. So, I looked at the informational flyer that someone I couldn’t understand gave me and I planned a short 45 minute let me mention right here...I didn’t see another living soul on the whole hike... and it was straight...UP. I found myself wishing that I had Lanie Kazans stunt ass. But I was brave....I was a warrior. I had to keep pretending to look at crap from my pocket so that I could stop and take a breath the first 15 minutes...then 30 minutes...and I am still going up...I should have turned around by became apparent at this point that I had followed the wrong path...not the 45 minute walk...but the 2 hour hike...and let me say here...that I had not yet seen another human...
( actual picture from said adventure...taken just in case they found my corpse)
As I continue further and further into the mountains the inner scary movie voice starts having a dialogue... "
SSSHHHAAARRROOONNNN...maybe you are going the wrong way...and you haven’t seen anyone since you began... is October...not too many people on vacation. ‘SHHHAARRROONNN...what if someone is following you on this path..’ Shut it!!! ‘SSSSHHHHAAARRROOONNNN...what if you fall and break one of your weak ankles?...’ Why did you have to bring that up??? Not only are you the scary voice but you are bad for my self confidence. ‘ afraid...’ I am brave. I am a warrior. And then my inner scary voice, whom I shall call all mixed up with my own, calm...mostly logical voice and with the voice of Britney Spears...and to remind you, she comes to me telepathically when I need guidance. ( Underscore with Britney or Britney-esque type music) Britney: Girl you are a grown up woman who has gone on MANY hikes and been away from home. Me and Boo: You are right Britney! I have my puffer...I have money and my passport in case, again, my body need to be identified...SHUT UP... Britney: Y’all you are strong... Me and Boo: and I have no water or food...THERE ARE 100 STREAMS TO DRINK FROM ASSHOLE... No cell phone...not that you would get a signal...PLEASE...HEY I HAVE MY IPOD... Britney: That is good thinking girl. An Ipod is a great physical instrument to defend yourself with.... Me and Boo: What am I gonna do with an Ipod, Brit? Britney: Make them listen to Avril Lavigne. Y’all I hate that bitch. That Britney is so witty. I pulled out my ipod...charged, thank god. And I put in an ear phone....just one...the right one in case I am going to be attacked.......and push play......Girlicious’ hit ‘Like Me’ starts blaring.... Suck it scary voice....and my scary voice is lulled by the slutty girls singing. Somewhere during this time period I step in a bog.....a real bog....the path has been wet and my shoes are waterproof to a point....the point it is a bog and Iose my shoe...I have to go in pull it out...while holding one foot in the air. By the time I reach an hour and fifteen minutes....I start to worry....I don’t know where I am....I feel that the path should have really turned....the sky is stormy and I pull the map and in the bottom corner it comments on how the weather turns fast in the take the appropriate supplies....and read the map, ass. I take the time to look closer at the map...I see where I might be if I am on the 2 hour walk.....and where I would be if I am on the five hour walk ending in the town of Clacken. FIVE HOUR WALK!!! Britney: Oh Sharron girl...even I can read better than that! ME: Shut it! Not now Britney! I try to picture the phone call to George....“ Baby, Can you come pick me up in Clacken....” Isn’t that a great name... I turn a forest corner...and there is a very old foundation for a house or fort of some kind....there is nothing about it on the map....but it is very cool....I use the word cool because there are no exact words for it really is...I discovered something on my brave warrior adventure...just me...and it was worth it to be a bit I track off the path and walk through the bracken into the foundation...and the sun comes shit. But still I feel fucking awesome! And I sit down and have the piece of mind to really scan the map and figure out where I am....I am about 45 minutes from the end...I can do that...I am fucking on fire...I am brave...I am a warrior. I start to walk up the path as ‘The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’ begins to play in my right ear.... Wait a minute...what if I have walked into a time corridor like Brigadoon...and have travelled into the past? Sharron, get it together. What if George thinks I am dead?? Which is more likely... Oh here is a thing....what if I think good thoughts???!!! As I come to a rise I peer over I see Tarbert ...and I yell so loud, I scare myself and trip over a rock and almost break my right weak ankle. When I get near the castle the first human I see is this effing huge black and white dog....he sees me and starts to bound for me..... and someone screams...... “SHEAS!”...which I have since found out means sit...or gaelic...and I think a monster scottish dude is coming over the it turns out being the tiniest wizened man I have ever seen....on a cellphone....and he hooks up his dog and turns a suspicious eye my way as he passes....but eff him....even he can’t spoil my high!!!! I made it..... Alone....

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