Sunday, April 13, 2014

Trampoline, PAINTBALL Gun People, Pajama Pants? Used Prophlactics....IT MUST BE SPRING!!

Please sweet baby jesus let it be spring...please.
I have spent the last few days watching the 4 foot, dirty dirty dirty snow drift slowly, and grossly, disolve out front of our little house....and put my hands together under my chin and I hope (and pray to Jesus and Buddha and Allah and that yoink, Mother Nature....and anyone else who will listen) that this winter shit is over...knowing in my 3 year old Stratford heart that there will probably be one more dump of snow.
For shit’s sake it snowed in OCTOBER last year.
JESUS  (BUDDHA, ALLAH and that yoink, Mother Nature) WEPT.
But signs of spring are every where...truly...let me tell you a few, shall I?

Exhibit A. Trampoline People With Paintball Guns

Our Trampoline/Seasonal-Above-Ground-Pool-Neighbours w/ Hellacious-Teenage -Children Boy/MEN have emerged into their back yard (the silence from their plot of land is the ONLY thing I enjoy about winter...seriously) and we know this because, while I was in TO a couple days ago, George was at home in Stratford napping off his hip replacement and was awoken (I am “awoken” a word? I think it is. I THINK IT IS!! WHO HAS CHOCOLATE AND PIZZA!!!) by loud blasts through the slightly propped open bedroom window. In between a LOVELY cascade of swear words and gay slurs there were loud pops echoing throughout the neighbourhood.
George got his crutches and went on some one footed recon.
Those little shits (or fully grown over indulged shits) had a paintball gun. An effing         
paintball gun that they were shooting/arguing over in a residential back yard.
What the eff?
Then George made his way into our backyard (on his crutches...I cringed when he told me the story) and found an unexploded paintball in the back yard...well...I am certainly glad that Tyson didn’t effing eat it!! 


IS IT!?!?!
Paintball guns in the backyard? In redneckie HANDS!?!?!
It MUST be spring.
(I pray that those little shits move out...but of course, why would they? If I had that kind of awesome freedom I would probably stay FORVER. Dear lord and TAYLOR!!!)

Exhibit B. Shorts With White/Red Legs and Pajama Pant Season
There are people wandering around in shorts and flip flops with BRIGHT RED and/or FISHBELLY WHITE wind burned legs. It is also, as I have mentioned on Twitter, pajama pant season...along with being that  sideways hat, pants on the ground with WHITE BELTS on skateboard,hanging out in front of the local coffee shop/city hall/bus stop time of year.
Which is OBVIOUSLY spring.
Am I Right?
Um...but that coats are off...I have noticed whilst in Toronto that a lot of people seem to be dressed like they are having a casual Sunday afternoon the 80’s!
George (who always has his finger on the pulse of fashion trends) informed me that this trend (IT IS A TREND FOR EFF’S SAKE) is called “NormCore”.
Wikapedia says...

Normcore is an emerging cultural trend focusing on "coolness that opts into sameness." [1] It is in response to hipster subculture.[2] Jeremy Lewis, the founder of Garmento calls normcore “one facet of a growing anti-fashion sentiment.” K-hole,[3] a creative trend forecasting collective based in New York City is cited as coining the phrase.[4] 

Normcore is an anti-trendy trend

An anti-tendy trend.
“Coolness that opts into sameness”
Why would we all wanna look the same to give the finger to fashion?
We are swinging from this...

To this...

Which actually kinds of looks like this....

I am so confused by trends...and now ANTI-Trends?
Lord...I just began to figure out “meta” and now there is this...LORD AND TAYLOR...but lord and taylor via the Value Village.
Taking the shine off of awesomeness in a North American city near you.
AGAIN! Trends and Anti-trends?
It must be SPRING!!

Exhibit C. Condoms on the Nature Trail
This is short but sweet.
I was walking Tyson on the local nature trail.
Found Tyson worrying something.
Was hopeful it was not ANOTHER dead squirell.
As luck had it, it was NOT!!
It was a used condom.
I ALMOST (read: I did a bit) threw up.
I am yelling at Tyson....he is super excited and thinks all the yelling and pointing is awesome.
WE engage in the dance of disgusted person and disgusting dog which is as old as time and ends in both of us getting hosed down later. (Mostly his mouth...which he was none to happy about...let me tell you.)
If the young people (or maybe the old people for that matter...a couple of whom I have accidentally happened upon getting a little bit of a BJ in the cemetary...GET A ROOM, people) are out having public sexual encounters?

And with those wonderful signs of the season, I wish you a happy, joyous Spring!
(Without paintballs, same fashion, and used outdoor condoms.)

If it is SPRING...
And 7 MONTHS since I did a solo TO date...
I MUST HAVE a show!!
See what I did there?
Small room.
Big Hair. Big Stories about Mean Girls and a Salute to Sharron's Party Days! BIG TIMES!!
Do the Math and get your tickets.
Let us just have a fucking blast!!


FRIDAY April 25th @ 9:00pm at the Flying Beaver Pubaret on Parliament Street


Tix $20 advance/$25 door
Available at the Pubaret or online at

Dinner available before, during, and after the show.
Dinner patrons get priority seating.
E-mail or call 647.347.6567 for rezzos.



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I THINK IT IS!! WHO HAS CHOCOLATE AND PIZZA!!!) by loud blasts through the slightly propped open bedroom window. In between a LOVELY cascade of swear words and gay slurs there were loud pops echoing throughout the neighbourhood. Pick My Paintball Gun

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