Thursday, April 17, 2008

And new life begins......

I mean....forget her.....look at that nose......don't you just want to bite it?
I wasn't gonna write again during this week because I didn't want to share my day to day sadness with you guys.... I was afraid it might get exhausting is my day.
There are alot of things going on everyday....I am just happy to have the many blessings....ironically job in upcoming show...meetings for the Doras....and I have to tell you that I have been given many gifts from Otto ... but it is his parting ones that have truly cut me to the quick.
I always say to George at some point every month as I stop and have a few breaths from working that I have no friends.... I have people who I really need to spend more time with who I want to call my dear friends but since I have not had alot of time in the last ..... holy shit.... couple of years.... since I really started working on ' the party' in earnest .... I haven't had more than a moment to spare.... so the phone was my way of connecting.
Otto has always been my best friend.
Then when we let him go ..... I have had such an outpouring of calls daily and emails and texts..... I am just weakened by how lucky I am...Otto reminded me that I do have friends.... great and true friends who make sure that I am breathing and making it thru the day.
Thank you Otto.
Going to the theatre on Tuesday was more than I could almost bear....bare....oh fuck I don't know.....I just kept thinking.... if I get out of bed .... if I take a shower..... if I eat..... if I put on clothes.... if I get on my bike.....just one foot in front of the other....
Otto was everywhere I looked... reminding me to fill his water dish... reminding me not to open the front door too wide or he might run out...
and everytime I remembered I would feel weak....
Such a small being.... such a large place in my heart and mind.
But to the theatre I went for our first invited dress run.
How the fuck?
But everyone there was so wonderful to me even though I walked in and started to cry.
I just breathed.....
I am so thankful for this work... this show.
It is soothing and full of laughter.
That night I got home from the show ..... and as George is away in rehearsal I dreaded going into our place.
I stood out front on the street for 10 minutes with my keys in my hand just walking back and forth.
Then when I wheeled my bike in I called out my regular greeting of 'hey buddy, i'm home' ......the silence was so loud I broke down and when I came back to myself and turned on the light.... as god is my witness... a toy of his that we lost months ago was laying on the floor in front of his chair.... it was the first thing I saw.
Now, to be fair... I did do a big obsessive clean that day ..... but it was the first thing I laid eyes on when I turned on the light.
I believe... I so do believe in my heart that he was telling me that he is playing somewhere.
And he is here.
And with George.
He can be everywhere.
Just like Santa.
This morning I woke up with a tiny shred of peace....which made me feel bad .... like I was forgetting him.....then a dear friend called me and told me she knew how sad I was.... and that she had just had a baby boy last night.....
A beautiful soul transcends and another comes to show us the way.
I still miss you Otto.
I miss your stinky breath.

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