Jesus Thinks I'm Funny Teaser!

Pirate/Bootleg of Final Jesus Encore...

One of my Lovelies in the audience took this pirate vid of my encore at Buddies on July 24th...my final preview!!
LOVE IT!!! SPREAD THE SUPERSTAR WORD!!! MG SUPERSTAR!!! You know who you are!

Jesus Use Me. WHAT?

I made it home...in 3 and half hours...

The subtitle to this should be..."Will I really have another vodka cooler?"

Don't high school girls drink vodka coolers?

And then I remember the day I was sent sides for an audition and I thought I was auditioning for the teenager...and it ended up that I was called for the "young" mom.

I was 21.

How embarrassing was that?

See what happens when I have Vodka Coolers?

I am a bit giddy/maudlin right now...which is an interesting mix...oddly enough.

I decided to come back to Stratford to get some work done...George is fancy-shakespearing it at the park so he couldn't come back with me.

Oh, I didn't capitalize the s in shakespeare to honour the person who walked up to me when I hosted the Doras and said, whilst...yes, I said it... whilst looking down their nose at me...that it was the Stratford Shakespeare Festival...not the Stratford Festival.

Well.

It was just rehearsal for eff's sake.

This same person accepted an award two years ago at the Doras...and walked away from the mic pontificating "Aren't we professional actors....can't we speak properly without a mic?"...whilst looking down his nose...at all of us.

Well.

Hm...will I have another vodka cooler?

Anyway, it is dark and here I sit....

Do you know how long it took me to rotate this picture?....wow.

Anyhow, it took three and half hours to get here.

The traffic stopped on the 427 for fucks sake...which is a 10 minute walk from my TO sublet for those of you who are not from TO....I went off road, bitches...I navigated with my blackberry and the compass on my car...because I am fancy that way....yes, it took a long time...but it was a gorgeous drive.

I am presently on my back deck....like in the above picture...but it is quite dark now.

Anyhow, I wrote this so I could show you this...

My friend, Lori...in Belgium...fancy...sent this album cover to me.

Oh my god...I would love to mash this with something.

But!!!

My show is finished.

And I am a week away from my two previews at Buddies...will you come?

I talk about Jesus...Lady Gaga...Michael Jackson...a 7 foot drag queen...Jesus...the captain of the football team from highschool (before I was a 'young' mom...that sounds wrong...) and so many more.

I am really excited and quite proud of the show I am gonna do...and I would love you all to see it first!

So, if you got time next weekend...come down and I will polish off my heels and my foul language...

The fun we will have....

Where is that last cooler...

SHARRON'S Summer Webisode PART ONE

SHARRON's Summer Webisode PART TWO!!!

Dear World, I met Donny Osmond.

Can you take it?

That is me, DONNY OSMOND, and Maureen Riley.

I love the first pic because Maureen is gazing ever so lovingly at him...

Maureen and I had planned to meet for drinks last night a while ago...and then when I got offered tickets to the show I wondered if she would like to come...maybe she would not be into it.

Here is our email exchange....

Dear Maureen,

Holy poo.

I hope this excites you as much as me...but my friend offered me AWESOME tickets to the fricken'

Donny and Marie opening tomorrow night!!! Wanna meet me at the Four Seasons Opera thingie place at 7:25pm tomorrow night ?

(There is also a party after...we might meet them...)

Shar xoxo

Sent from my crackberry.

Sharron,

Ummmmmmm. Yes please!!!! This is effing awesome.

Done and done.

See you there.

Thanks!!

M

Sent from C3PO ...

I loved most of all that her email came to me from C3PO.

So, we met out front of the fabulous Four Seasons Opera Place...I have never been in there before and TOTALLY love that the first thing that I am seeing there is DONNY AND FREAKIN' MARIE!!!

Maureen was dressed as a fashionable girl about town, of course, and I was dressed like Susan Anton in the 70's....look it up if you will.

We were both very excited.

Got my AWESOME tickets, from my dear friend Grant, and was in line behind Marilyn Dennis...in my head I went all high status for a second and wanted to remind about when I met her last year at "love, loss and what I wore" and try to get my ass on her TV show to promote MY TV show and Buddies previews of my UK show (Which is on July 23rd and 24th...don't forget...here is the link for online tickets... http://www.ticketweb.ca/sn l/Search.action?query=sharron+matthews+superstar

or call $16 975 8555...see what I did there?) but I didn't want to make a big ass of myself just before the show and have to suffer through the shame for the entire show.

Maureen and I got to our seats and met a lot of peeps from the business... Sean Tasson from the St. Lawrence, Kevin Levesque (the fabulous Miss Conception), Paul Bellini, Kelly Cameron from Broadwayworld.com...so many people...

Maureen and I both decided that if they sang a " A Little Country, A Little Bit Rock and Roll" we would shit our pants.

The lights went down and the young and talented Jeff Madden came was introduced by Aubrey Dan to sing the anthem...I love that...he sang it like a bird, of course.

And then the count down to the show started...we all participated ( you know how I love the participation) and the curtains opened and there they were at the top of a sparky staircase...in sparkly clothes.

DONNY AND MARIE.

It bears mentioning here that I watched every episode of their TV show.

Saw every show that they did at the CNE, as well as the Osmond Brothers.

I owned their barbie dolls.

I loved Donny and Marie...well, mostly Donny...but Marie as well.

These people put on a show...VEGAS STYLE!!!

There was lots of shiny things...dancers...projections...high heels...purple outfits...

One of my fave things was a mash up that Marie did of "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith into "Boots are Made For Walkin"...while playing a specially made glittery guitar with a big silver M on the front..and she wore a sparkly ( love the sparkles) cowboy hat...and then she had minions come onstage after and change her shoes while she talked...and give her water...she guzzled the whole bottle (I have done this same thing...cabaret shit is universal...and I love it.) and then threw the empty bottle in the wings and said, "You thought that mormons couldn't drink."....oh Marie...now, I love you even more.

The best part was...they sang their ASSES OFF!!!

There really did...I was throughly charmed, impressed and won over...not that it was a long journey...I do love them.

She did the first solo set and his was in the second act...he did "Close Every Door"...he sang "Go Away Little Girl" and "Puppy Love"...and the cougs in the front rows were freaking...and so were the cougs that were sitting in our two seats...I heard someone singing along near me when I realized it was Maureen.

He also did a rocking, singing and dancer version of the Osmond's "Crazyhorse" and a lovely ballad he wrote for his son.

He was also awesome AND personable AND sang the shit out of everything.

Then they sat on stools and sang all of their duets..."I'm Leavin' It All Up To You"..."Make The World Go Away" ....and others...it needs to be said here that I never really thought about how weird these songs were to be sung by a brother and sister until this moment....I had a moment of pondering and then I remembered...IT WAS FREAKING DONNY AND MARIE!!! WHO FUCKING CARES!?!?!?

I was thoroughly, musical, entertainment....ly....spent at the end....SPENT I TELL YOU!!!

Maureen and I did not shit our pants when they sand "Little Bit Country..." but we ALMOST did.

And they closed their show with the song that they sang at the end of their TV show...and we both held hands and cried.

Amy, from Flip Publicity, who was sitting behind us said that we were a very entertaining part of the evening...your're welcome, I say.

Maureen and I dragged our asses (and our free posters) across the street to the Hilton for the party...because Maureen was getting her pic with Donny....I was shy and unsure...yes, I was...you guys don't know EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!!!

Anyways...we waited with Avery Saltzman (founder of the Harold Green Jewish Theatre) and his fabu partner Kevin...Avery...that ass...told me that I wasn't writing on my blog enough...so here it is you son-of-a-bitch...and while my back was turned Donny walked in the room and Avery disappeared...he and Donny had done "Joseph" together...and Avery is trying to book Donny for a fundraiser...so I didn't mind.

And then Maureen grabbed my hand and said..."We are getting our picture"....side note....please look in any publicity stills from the party...Maureen is cagily wandering around in the back of ALL OF THEM...and then she put herself in front of him and said "Can you please do a shot with us?"...He, of course, says yes, because he is a lovely guy...a really lovely guy...and I begin to stammer and make an ass of myself...but I don't care...I got my fucking picture with Donny Osmond....thanks, Maureen!!!

Go and see this show...it is so much fun...I have never given so many standing ovations in one night.

THANKS DONNY AND MARIE!!

And Maureen!!!

How mad the "How to Spot A Dud at the Fringe Festival" article in the STar made me..

.

This article (below) was posted on the Toronto Star Online today.

I am actually copying it onto this page because it has become VERY HARD to find it now at the Toronto Star Online...I hope it is because the paper is embarrassed.

It is like the writer is encouraging patrons and audience members to NOT come to the theatre...to not be adventurous or have independent thought when choosing a play or musical to see at the festival...to only go to pieces that are endorsed by critics...to not take a chance on something different...to basically go against the whole spirit of what the festival is.

It is ALSO like the writer is turning artists away from trying something new, exciting, dangerous or inde-freakin-pendent.

Have any of us had the good luck to stumble on a show that was unexpectedly interesting or found a show that featured a performer who was amazing in a piece that was may not...by accident?

I have added my thoughts to the article below each part...my thoughts are in italics.

How to spot the duds at the Fringe festival

By Bruce DeMara Entertainment Reporter

Jul 02, 2011

1. Avoid dramaturgy. References in the program attesting that the production has been “dramaturged” are almost always a bad sign. Dramaturgy is the process of having an author’s original work savagely dissected by fellow artists and reinterpreted in ways that make it a contradictory, irretrievable mess. Fringe productions should be fresh, spontaneous feats of derring-do. If you have to dramaturge the darn thing, do it post-Fringe. Dramaturgy often means turgid drama.

SM: Seeing the word Dramaturgy might mean that the playwright went to a professional dramaturg, of which Toronto has many fabulous examples ...Iris Turcott, Stephen Colella, Mary Francis Moore...for help to make their show tighter, more concise, have a better flow...for many reasons.

I also didn't know that the definition of Dramaturgy was "having an author's original work savagely dissected by fellow artists, etc..." I think professional dramaturgs would disagree.

2. Even decent shows can be a downer if they’re in a crappy venue. So imagine you’re leafing through the program when a show grabs your interest: Low Riders, a semi-autographical musical featuring a troupe of transsexual ex-biker “little people.” Your finger hastily scrolls down to check times and venues and — argh! — it’s at Theatre Passe Muraille’s Backspace (an airless box up a long flight of stairs) or the Factory Theatre Studio (down some stairs, then up some more to another uninspired space) or the Helen Gardiner Phelan Playhouse (hard to spot from the street, even more stairs, a few odd turns and a so-so theatre if you’re lucky enough to find it). Other venues can be even less promising. The Ladies Polar Room at the College Street United Church? Venues in church basement settings often feature ancient living-room furniture with broken springs as seating.

SM: At the Edinburgh Fringe last year there were fabulous and INVENTIVE shows in a VW Van, a public toilet and a swimming pool. I have attended fabulous, intimate pieces at both the TPM backspace and the Factory Theatre Studio space. It is the Fringe...not the freaking Winter Garden. We have a limited number of spaces in Toronto. If someone would like to help the theatres get funding to build more, I am sure we would be all for it...but we are creative and work with what we got. That is why we are artists.

3. “Minimalist” production values. No set, no lighting, no costumes. Just two actors on a bare stage, morphing between characters with baffling rapidity. Three steps stage left (or right, it doesn’t matter) apparently denotes a scene change. A change in facial expression, voice or body language would help. Or how about putting on a hat or using a prop to indicate you’ve gone from playing a 7-year-old girl to an ancient Phoenician god? We love theatre but we’re not mind readers.

SM: I find this highly offensive. Maybe the artist cannot afford a set, lights, costumes or props...maybe the artist is new to the business and does not have the contacts to outsource these things...that is what the fringe is for...for the audience to use their imaginations. For artists who might have no other chance to have their shows produced in a space like the Tarragon or TPM. Also, does the writer realize that there are very tight change overs between shows...and artists cannot afford the time to put up a complicated set...sometimes it is 10 minutes. And "change in facial expression"?...Please.

4. Overly ambitious productions. A program that promises an “eclectic multimedia blend of theatre, dance, music, puppetry, visual art and feminist dub poetry” is sending out multiple warning signs.

SM: Our artistic options are getting smaller and smaller. I WISH I could write my dance, theatre, multi media, puppet piece with some feminist stuff in it...that would be fucking awesome.

5. Cheap sets, i.e. those made of Styrofoam, cardboard, etc. Sure, Fringe productions are cheap, dirt cheap. But, with the odd exception, a set that appears to be constructed of material from a discount art supply store or from the detritus of an overturned garbage can is rarely a promising sign.

SM: Again, as with #3, I find this highly offensive. How do you know what an artist can afford...or what we can do with an overturned garbage can? Haven't you seen "Stomp"?

6. One name everywhere. Writer/director/producer/actor/lighting and costume designer. If one name is ubiquitous throughout the program, someone is usually spreading themselves very thin, too thin for the result to be enjoyable. Steer clear.

SM: Maybe they could use a dramaturg.

7. A variation of No. 6. Two names everywhere. Or three. Two or three co-writers, co-stars, co-directors, co-producers, etc. will often result in much backstage back-stabbing and in-fighting for creative control. Tension is so often the fuel that makes live theatre crackle with energy. Just not this kind of tension.

SM: What the eff does this mean? This just sounds stupid. And this is a stupid, gross generalization. It isn't like people are cutting each others throats backstage...this isn't "Showgirls".

8. Flyers. Whether you’re standing in line or lounging at the Fringe Club behind Honest Ed’s, strangers will try to force you to take promotional material for upcoming shows. It may be as humble as an uneven square of plain white paper with blurry lettering or as slick as multi-coloured laminated cardboard. (Your pockets, purse or backpack will soon be stuffed with them. They will seem to multiple like rabbits.) It gets tricky because sometimes the cheapest promo material turns out to be for the best shows and the fanciest ones are for the biggest duds. Look for excerpted reviews, e.g., “Best of Edinburgh Fringe 2010.” And ask around. Fellow theatre lovers are great at sharing both hot picks and train wrecks.

SM: Yes, we must only go to shows that are suggested by reviewers or claimed to be "Best of...".

How the fuck else do you expect to artists to sell their shows? With ads in papers? With billboards. Everyone knows they will get a flyer at the fringe.

This article seems to mock the very spirit of the amazing Toronto Fringe Festival.

I think Bruce DeMara owes an apology to the Toronto Fringe.

I, with the generous help of many donors, took my show to the mother of all Fringe's last year...the Edinburgh Fringe. I spent an amazing three weeks there and was very proud to trumpet how fantastic our Toronto Fringe was and is.

I saw many shows...the best were the ones that were independent...not promoted by a large producer... had a crappy space (I saw one performer who did her show with a full band on a stage the size of a postage stamp and had duct work right over her head)...had no set...could only afford to bring themselves...was written, produced and performed by the same artist.

Please, Toronto Fringe audience members, pay no attention to this article and be brave and make bold choices about what you are gonna see.

I bet you will be pleasantly surprised.

The Toronto Fringe runs July 6 to 17. Info at fringetoronto.com

Postscript (P.S. I have never officially written a postscript before so please excuse if this is not appropriately fancy)

I have received many emails and comments about this post...which always makes me happy...mostly because it means someone is actually reading my shit. Also because it means that people give a shit about the arts.

I received such an email from a writer from the newspaper in which the offending article occurred. This writer has supported me greatly whenever I have asked for a boost (and it has always been greatly appreciated). I feel it would be only right to do the same kindness. The writers at this newspaper are not allowed to comment on each others articles but this writer wanted me to know that they had nothing to do with the writing of this article, and actually spent a great deal of time opposing it. This same writer felt quite embarrassed that it appeared at all.

Mostly, I am very happy that all of our thoughts about this article have not gone unnoticed and maybe, next time, it will not be written at all. Let us go to these features instead that take about the great things to expect from the fringe.

http://www.toronto.com/article/691255--10-freakiest-shows-of-the-2011-toronto-fringe-festival

http://www.nowtoronto.com/guides/fringe/2011/story.cfm?content=181546

http://www.nowtoronto.com/guides/fringe/2011/story.cfm?content=181543

http://www.nowtoronto.com/guides/fringe/2011/story.cfm?content=181542

OKAY! Maybe it is the rain....maybe it is the PMS...

Has the world lost it's mind?

Has it?

The title of this blog may tell you what the state of mine is...and it isn't New York, people.

(That is the lamest joke, I think I need another RAINSHOWER of DEATH to clear my head...NOT!)

You know how I try NOT to rant...well, maybe you don't...but I really do...and then shit just piles up and I cannot stop myself.

Here are just a few things that have happened in the last week that have made me freak out.

(And know that I was just trying to get to other work and COULD not stop myself from writing..sick)

Okay...I really don't get why this 'Rob Ford not coming to Pride Day' pisses me off so much...I mean, I do and I don't.

But it begs the question, really, do we want him there?

I know the gesture would be a good one...an olive branch, if you will. (Fancy)

BUT, are we really surprised?

This man showed us who he was before the 905ers voted that boob into the mayor's office...his infamous bullying video on Youtube...where he tried to say he was bullied first...either way, good to know his reaction to pressure situations.

Here it is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8EpSdyB0zY

Can't you just picture him and the other guy as 12 year olds before they hung that guy by his tighty, white-ies?

(Oh my god...how proud is his family of that...and he STILL got voted in...they can talk about it at the cottage.)

Oh, and there is his humble, smart, insightful and thoughtful interview with the CBC on the day after he was elected...gosh, he cares about the job, huh ?(And I don't really think he knows what Tea Party means...that being said...neither do I...think me stupid if you will, but I'm not the effing mayor)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHJGR4i7fhw

But the ugliest and surest signs of who he truly is are listed below. These following things truths I read in many articles about Rob Ford but was said best in an article from the Globe and Mail.

1. When he was a city councillor, he once railed against spending money on AIDS prevention.

2. He was the only leading candidate in last year’s campaign for mayor who did not attend Pride.

3. He declined to come to a ceremony marking an international day opposing homophobia.

Here is the article.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/toronto/marcus-gee/mayor-misses-out-on-opportunity-to-celebrate-diversity/article2071902/

He is a red neck boob.

Yesterday, when I wrote on twitter that because he is an elected official, declining to agnowledge a community within our city he should quit or be fired...this is the response I got from one individual.

"@tothe_core @sharronmatthews U should stfu,if he wasn't going to a bikeathon, no one would complain, he has family and wants to spend it with them."

I found it ever so lovely that he compared a community to a sports event.

I also loved that he told me to STFU.

Which I decided to take that it was calling me a Super Timely Fabulous Uberdiva....but again...that is just me.

So, Rob Ford....enjoy your time at the cottage...we will be better without you.

Frankly, the thought of you getting wetted by squirt guns is enough to give one MUCH pause.

Although, if he does decided to show, I hope he comes as this....

Now, another thing that has crawled into my craw in the last few days...and I don't know, again, if it is the PMS or what...

When did music become about women putting on bikinis and rolling around on floors...beds...the tops of cars...trees (that is my personal fave....remember how your bathing suit would get catches on it if you sat on the concrete? Imagine what a tree does to a swimsuit....just saying)...basically rolling around...talking about how they are gonna get you off.

Somewhere, in her grave, Janis Joplin is vomiting...and a bit wishing it was her.

THAT IS THE PROBLEM!!!

Ladies, don't lie, we all watch and think...'I am disgusted by that...why is she selling her body...can she even sing?...GOD, I wish I had an ass like that."

Don't lie...we all do...a bit, at least.

I do wonder if, before videos, this person would have had a career....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2FZ3JIVQxk

"Cause I'll be table dancing,

This is your chance to get with me...

On the table dancing,

That's where romance is

When you're with me..."

Oh my lord....jesus wept. (And then bought tickets to my show on July 23rd and 24th at Buddies in Bad Times...yes, I will perform this song. Okay, maybe I won't....but I will probably talk about it.)

Ke$ha.

Keisha.

Whatever.

It is just too much skank and not enough music, in my books.

But remember...I put a disclaimer out there...I love Britney Spears....still do....so there is just no winning with me....but I do think the skank factor has risen to a point that Stevie Nicks is considering doing a song called "Eff Me Up The Pooper" wearing one, long, see-thru pashmina.

And last, but not least....

Remember that actor from the Green Mile...the super creepy one who ends up peeing his pants and going into a mental institution?

This guy.

He just married a 16 YEAR OLD BEAUTY QUEEN.

He is 51.

What the fuck is happening?

IS THAT EVEN LEGAL????

Here is a little article about it, with picture...you gotta read it...and it is like she is posing for Playboy.

http://ca.eonline.com/uberblog/b248344_Five_Things_You_Didnt_Know_About_16-Year-Old_Bride_Courtney_Stodden.html

I love that one of her upcoming singles is called "Don't Put It On Me"...there are so many jokes here my head just exploded....literally, EXPLODED!!!!

And her mother signed the parental consent form to get her famous...married!!! Married.

AH!!!

What is happening?

People.

What is?

Luminato Closing Party.

Luminato Closing Party.

Luminato Closing Party.

Spoke Club.

Started with me not knowing anyone...then texting George (trying to look busy and important)...and twittering that if no one showed up that I knew by the count of ten I would take off.

During said count of ten, I tried to strike up a conversation with a couple young blond girls who had Lohan tans and wedgies and TOO FUCKING SHORT dresses and they blew me off like I was an old, drunk lady (it need be said here that I was drinking a free bottle of Smart Water....thanks, Jennifer Aniston.)

You will rue the day, bitches.

Then Scott McVittie found me and entertained me (I was on my way to the exit...wondering how long you had to stay to get the Biotherm swag bag...fancy ..he told me if I stayed all would be well.

He was very right!!!

In the next hour a ton of wonderful people showed up! John, Lorway, Shawn, Matthew, Marla, Derick, Scott, Tyler and Mitchell! Oh how we laughed.

5 Fave Things That Happened at or after the Luminato Closing Night Party

1. I wanted a Diet Coke...and when McVittie found out they were only allowed to serve clear beverages (?) he got on the Blackberry and then went and got me a Diet Coke...made me feel fancy.

2. When a young man asked me if I could be his hag for a moment, I replied " Baby, there is a long line up in front of you of men who are older, with more money and better stories...so, no."

3. Standing on the rooftop patio laughing while the wind blew my hair...like I was Beyonce or something.

4. When leaving I said how excited I was that there was a Biotherm swag bag for boys...and they told me I was holding the one for girls...then the woman in charge said "I think we can afford to give Sharron both."...and I knew my almost-close-to-being-famous-in-a-Canadian-weird-way-but-not-really was FINALLY paying off!

5. King Street on a Saturday Night reminds me why I never went clubbing in my youth.

Straight boys-stop bathing in CK, loosen the crotch pants and figure out that a girl probably won't fuck you if you stand behind her and tell her how fucking hot her ass is.

Straight Girls-Stop wearing a dress so short I can see the untanned creases at the bottom of your ass cheeks, wedgies or heeled shoes that are so high that you walk like Frankenstein (when did theses shoes STOP being hooker or drag queens shoes exclusively?) and PLEASE stop being so slutty. I mean, to each their own...but have some respect...and don't fuck the guy who told you how fucking hot your ass was, while he walked behind you.

Good times!

Thank you, Luminato!!!

Luminato Broadway's Night Out...and Effie.

Well.

I have just gone back and forth about delving into the wonderfulness that was last night at Metro Square.

I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck...you know that kind of tired?

I didn't (and still don't) know if I have the brain power to really capture the awesomeness of the evening.

I think I was getting tired last night and then when VJ John Bantay, from Musical Mondays at Splash in New York City played the Tony Awards version of "I am Telling You.." from 1983 (?) at the after party at Buddies and John Austin dragged me up onto the stage and we ACTED THE WHOLE thing out...well, that just pushed me over the edge...

I woke and thought, "Oh my god...my this hurts...my that hurts...how?....ah yes....Effie"....a gal has to know her limits....NONE!!! NONE, people.

When you wake up and find this picture on your coffee table, you know you've had a good night....

Huh....I guess...well, I must have been tired...as tired as Tyson, on the floor beside the shoes on the table (Haven't I ever seen Blood Brothers?....for those of you who get that...I thank you)

Last night was amazing.

When I went in for rehearsal in the early afternoon with the amazing arranger, accompanist and composer Lance Horne (who I introduced in the show last night and listed all of his credits EXCEPT that he had JUST accompanied Kristen Chenoweth in London last week in front of THE Queen...yes, "THE", not "A"....and Barrack Obama....I told him I only read what is written on my cards) I was unsure of what the day would hold...I knew it would be great...but would it rain...would people come because it had already been raining....you just never know.

I was going through Bohemian with Lance, Dale (Drummer of awesome from Stratford) and the Cellist...who's name was so gorgeous and lovely I was afraid to ask what it was again in case I still could not process it with my simple mind....when I heard the door close and there was Meow Meow...one of the most interesting and amazing artists I have ever seen...she would also be performing at the gig that night. I had written and article about her and she said she really liked it....I was a bit giggly. You know that takes a lot, people.

When I admire someone that much...that MUCH...I find it hard to hold an intelligent conversation.

Truth.

Anyhow, I went to the FANTASTIC Fashion Crimes to pick out my outfit for the night....GORGEOUS navy lace...with a red sash....all "Maria" from West Side opposite...you guys know how I love the www.fashioncrimes.com ...and just so you know they are having a FANTASTIC sale...run don't walk.

Then I went to the soundcheck.

Sky=Overcast.

But, we were not going to be negative about the fucking weather.

When the cast of "Jesus Christ Superstar" showed up, I saw friends old and new...I remembered, with GREAT excitement, that I would be seeing a lot of musical theatre people that I have not seen in a while...and I pined a bit for me musical theatre days (yes, you know how I get)...it was bittersweet...but more sweet.

They got up onto the stage and did their sound check...and I could have cried.

They were amazing.

They sounded amazing....artist after artist sang and I was so fucking excited for the night...Bruce Dow (I mean, really, what can you say about Bruce...he is just the best), Lee Siegel (fuck, what a vocalist)....the crazy Superstar Ladies Melissa O'Neil, Dominique Roy and Katrina Reynolds (belting the shit outta that shit), Josh Young....okay, people...this is one of the richest rock voices I have heard...ever...and Jonathan Winsby who filled in for the ailing Paul Nolan...and sang the crap out of Gethsemane...it was just...wow....that is all I have to say....wow.

GO SEE JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR!!!

And then the lovely people of "My Fair Lady" were up and I could not have been happier to see the lovely Deb Hay...who sang like a dream....Ben Campbell...the perfect Higgins...Jeff Irving as the delightful Freddy and the set was capped off with Neil Barclay as Doolittle...so different from the JSS set but so perfect.

GO SEE MY FAIR LADY!!!

I was just so happy that Chris Lorway, the AD of Luminato (who, sadly, is leaving after this festival) arranged this night...saw the merits of arranging this night...and just seeing these Canadian artists doing their thing in one place...magic, as my friend Mark says.

And, through the magic of Chris Lorway, I had the amazing chance to work with Lance Horne...who really is amazing artist and after I saw him playing for Allan Cumming and the aforementioned Meow Meow at the Edinburgh Festival last year, I could not wait for the chance.

The inimitable Shawn Hitchens, (Who I had the pleasure of co hosting this mega-fabu night with) Lance and myself put together a Broadway Medley...some lovely person put a tiny clip up of it on flicker...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tadeoberjon/5830976553/in/photostream/

Coolness...Shawn...good Fosse...good fucking Fosse.

The audience was so excited!!! And loving the musical theatre....MUSICAL THEATRE, BITCHES!!!

I did a bit of Bohemian...Chris tells me I can have a copy of the video they have made...sups cool....but till the here is a bit from the same person on flicker...thanks again....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tadeoberjon/5831035219/in/photostream/

Nothing like a fucking Jumbotron to make you feel fancy.

And Meow Meow...what do you say?

If you were there last night, I know you can't wait to see here again...you are struck...she is an inspiration.

Yes, she is.

As I looked out into the crowd and watched the rain coming down and everyone standing there watching her do her encore in totaly silence....again, magic.

And here she is...thanks to the trusty FLICKER person.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tadeoberjon/5831544528/in/photostream/

Last year, Chris Lorway, him told me about her.

I went home and googled the shit out of her.

Wow.

Huh.

She looks like SEXY BEAST of theatre.

I gotta see her show in Scotland, thinks I.

And I did...and I was forever changed.

Changed in the imaginings of what my limitations are...

Changed in thinking that there are rules in theatre.

Changed...

I would not have gone back to meet her if Wayne Gwillim had not made me.

I kinda waxed poetic about when I would get the chance to work with her...and a year later...here we were.

Remember all those donations I received last year so I could take my show places?

I stood offstage last night and watched Meow Meow and just coulda cried....again...from total happiness.

It is worth it, Canada...it is worth it to fund artists to go and do their work...things happen...artists meet...knowledge is passed on...connections are made. Shawn Hitchens is bringing his show to the same venue that I did my show at last year in Scotland. We will be there at the same time...he is brave and he is talented and he is gonna do the EDFRINGE!

Thanks again, TO ALL who supported me last year...I cannot thank you enough.

And, don't forget...I GO BACK THIS YEAR!!!

http://www.edfringe.com/whats-on/comedy/sharron-matthews-superstar-jesus-thinks-i-m-funny

I wanna thank Scott McVittie, Mitchell Marcus, Lance Horne and Shawn Hitchens who made the night such a dream...one they were equally excited about.

And mostly, thanks to Chris Lorway for making it happen.

This town has a lot to thank you for, sir.

New York 2011

I took this picture from under the tree, where I sat with my MAC computer in northern Central Park.

So, Sunday in the Park, huh?

So, this is a different trip to NY.

It is a work trip.

I am working with my friend, Karen Carpenter (the other fabulous Karen Carpenter director and angel of Love, Loss and What I Wore) on a super secret, sexy project.

So, I have been compiling, writing...and sneezing...I have some fucking summer sinus thing....fuck you sinus thing.

I haven't had the desire to see any big shows...and running in Hubert Hsu down here....who is seeing 14 shows in one week made me feel quite inadequate, I gotta tell you.

The first night I got here and waited for Thom to be done Priscilla Queen of the Desert....yes, I am staying with my bestie, Thom...who I have missed like I miss my favourite blue suit from when I was 8....god, I loved that suit...and I love Thom more.

He is like a breath of fresh air in a stinky, horrible nuclear-day-after-world.

Huh.

Yup, I do mean that.

He is doing wonderfully down here...and he has his first 'own' apartment in many years...I don't think he would mind me saying he is a true gypsy subletter.

It is in Harlem.

135th and Lenox, bitches.

The first thing I heard when I walked alone out of the building, by myself, my first morning here was..."Well, yes, big city girl"...I know it was directed at me...I took it as a compliment.

WHAT?

So, back to me waiting for Thom to be done his first night.....I went and sat at the end of the bar at Don't Tell Mama's and ordered a wine and read my Time Out New York to make some small plans for the week.

The waiters were ornery...the Nebraska beauty queen I was sitting near was more ornery...and the gay dude at the end of the bar let us all know within the first few minutes he sat down that he was a writer on a very famous sitcom set in NY and he was just exhausted from working all day.

I was back.

I love Don't Tell Mama's...and it doesn't disappoint...the ornery...yes, I love this word....dude on the piano was the same dude who would not let me sing for hours last year, when I was promoting my show and after I did he conceded that I was 'okay' ....again, I love New York.

After sitting and listening in the back of my mind for a while whilst reading my mag I heard a pure tenor and I looked up...my waiter was singing.

He must be about 20.

He sang Daniel by Elton John.

He was spit shone with recently combed hair, a plaid shirt and converse sneakers.

I could picture him as Curly in Oklahoma at his highschool.

Here he was in New York.

I wondered what would become of him.

I wonder.

The next night I went to Joe's Pub to see Justin Bond.

You see, it was exactly a year since I did my show there.

I wanted to go...and I have always wanted to see Justin Bond.

He was rapturous.

In his gold lame cocktail dress and black wrap around heels.

Singing his original songs, killing me with his wicked humour.

It made me happy/sad.

Oh....and Justin Bond's guest that night?

Carole Pope...who has moved to New York...sigh.

I wish we had more places like this in Canada.

Where artists could really be who they are and discover their truths and refine their art. Buddies in Bad Times in amazing....Maggie just opened her pubaret....but we are so far behind...there are 100 rooms here.

I have hope but it was happy/sad.

I feel a change is at hand for me.

There have been so many things...so many opportunities that I have had since my show here last year, that it feels like a million years since I did my show there.

I don't know what the change is, but I am open.

I write...I look through my old work...I look forward to writing new work....but change is coming...I can feel it.

I open my arms...and my heart...and try not to resist.

Tonight, I will see Liza fucking Minnelli live...for the first time...and Sandra Bernhard, who's first show was a great inspiration to me...

I keep working.

And Europe is 7 weeks away.

What the fuck. Life is good....so good. Thank you, Universe.

(If this sounds melancholy...remember...I am on cold pills.)

This is why I don't answer the phone....

The following is a transcript from a phone call I received on my land line (?) earlier today.

Me: Hello?

She: Who is this?

Me: Who is THIS?

She: This is Bobby Lynn.

Me: (inside voice: Really?!) What can I do for you, Bobby Lynn?

She: Who are you?

Me: (Pause) I think you have the wrong number.

She: Your number is programmed into my husband's cell phone...who are you?

Me: (Ah...she thinks I am his mistress of something...I am intrigued and sad...but mostly intrigued) I am the owner of this phone number...but I have only been here a couple months so it must have been someone else...(Why the fuck am I justifying myself to you instead of following my natural instincts and hanging up....one word: intrigued)

She: I don't think so....your name is programmed in my husband Peter's phone under UMV. (My mind does one million things...under my vage....u must vage....u make vaginas...I don't know why my mind was stuck in this place)

Me: I don't know Peter.

She: How do you know his name?

Me: You just said it.

She: Who are you?!?!?!

Me: Okay, I am not your husband's mistress or whatever...I know that much....and I gotta tell you...you are really freaking me out, Bobby Lynn. ( I hear it is important in these negotiations to establish intimacy.)

She: (long long Pause) Wrong number.

Dial tone.

I have included a picture from my photo shoot...because it felt like the right thing to do.

Scotland, London, Stratford, Hamilton, Canada Sings has a DEBUT date ...and my highschool reunion.

Yup, I am a mere two and half months from trundling back over the pond to Scotland, doing my London debut and having Canada Sings debut while I am....abroad...abroad....HAHAHAHAH!

(You will have to read through all of this to get to the part about my highschool reunion...just read through....don't be a pussy and just scroll down...yes, I called you a pussy)

August 10th is the air date for Canada Sings people...I will be in Scotland at the Edinburgh Fringe...which is fancy...but I wish I was gonna be here...I will be here in spirit.

So, watch Global on August 10th and then go to the CanadaSingsTV (yes, all one word) facebook page and tell everyone how much you loved me...wait, it...the TV show...and maybe me...why not, right?!?!?

All joking aside, I really believe that this is gonna be a wonderful show...and it isn't a talent show...it is an amazing hour of watching your possible friends and neighbours work their asses off and transform from office workers, doctors, nurses, policemen, waiters, call centre workers and firemen into an amazing group of singers and dancers...and it is all for charity....I KNOW!! You will love it.

And I am in it.

But the reason I won't be in Canada is because I will be debuting my new show at the Edinburgh Fringe, bitches.

It is called....ready?....

Sharron Matthews Superstar: Jesus Thinks I'm Funny.

Yup.

And here is a pic from my promo photoshoot....

YUP!!! SO EXCITED!!!!

Anyhow, before all of this happens, I have some shows I would love to have you be around for, if you wanna!

I am reprising my Flying Beaver Pubaret Show (Big hit, people, was the Critic's Pick in the Toronto Star and the Now Magazine!!!) at the NEW Springworks Festival here in Stratford...it is happening this Friday the 13th (wow, I just noticed that...will have to honour that somehow) at 11:00pm at Factory 163....please go here for the deets

www.springworksfestival.ca

I am bringing Cooch and Jamie Drake up from TO to accompany me...we are gonna have a blast....IN MY NEW HOMETOWN!!!

FYI: This show...late night...not so much kid friendly!

And then from May 17th to the 29th I will be doing my "Sharron's Big Broadway Show" in the studio at Theatre Aquarius in Hamilton....my hometown....I have been doing this show all over Canada and it has been very well received and I have a great time...I am excited that there is gonna be a nice two week run!

This show? Totally kid friendly! Not toddler friendly...teenager and tween ish friendly. As long as they don't heckle...then all bets are off.

Go here for tickets and details...and it is selling really well so buy your tickets NOW!!!

http://www.theatreaquarius.org/OnStage/StageWriteSeries/StageWrite-Show1.html

SO!

I went to my 25th highschool reunion. I didn't know it was the 25th. So, when I was standing there with my friend Regan and said, "How long have we been out of highschool?", she looked at me like I was a doof and pointed at the big 25th Reunion banner on the wall....doof.

It was weird.

And I could not stop saying it.

There were a lot of people I didn't remember...there were a lot of people that I remembered who didn't really seem to want to remember...there were a lot of great people who I have not seen in a million years that I got to talk with.

And there was that bitch from grade 3...who I went to school with all the way to grade 12....who didn't talk to me...who ignored me from grade 3 to grade 12...who I saw there.

The one that my young girl friends demanded that I invite to my 13th brithday party...even though she didn't speak to me...and I did... yes, I know....but I was young, my dad had died and I just wanted everyone to like me.

She was there.

She is married to a drummer or something.

:)

If you get that...then that makes me happy.

Anyhow, I saw her and thought about confronting her...and decided she wasn't worth the air.

I am 4-fucking-2 years old, people.

For the record...she still has the same hairstyle (?!) and seems to be the same FUCKING BITCH.

Other than that, my friend Jody just reminded me to write a couple of things... ...it is good to have friends to remind you of things.

1. Thanks to Anita Blaney for arranging the whole reunion, I am sure it was a great deal of work.

2. Dear Chrissie Godwin-Bokstein, I am sorry I asked you where you lived 3 times...I was over stimulated by all the people.

3. Thanks to Regan for getting a couple of us together beforehand to drink and eat Chinese food, you are the glue, Regan.

4. Thanks to the one man who kept pointing out how hot his wife was, "Can you believe how hot my wife is? Huh?" Huh...

I hope you all are well!!!

Come on out to the shows...I would love to see you!!!

Three Favourite Things So Far Today...

So, it is only noon here in Stratford and I have done so much and thought so many fabulous thoughts ALREADY....I hope you enjoy....or scratch your head...or are as mad as I am...so many options, HUH?

Anyhow...first thing this morning I looked out the back window ( I always do before I go outside because we are still a week away from an effing fence....people weren't meant to share property) and there are two women, one young, one old, with spades....digging up my garden.

I shit you not.

I YELL out the window..."THAT FLOWER IS MINE!" (it was the best I could come up with at short notice..I had just woken up after all)...I pulled on whatever was near (probably a cocktail dress and a hoodie) and ran outside...the women were still standing there...with the effing shovels...looking at me like I am crazy. I said again, "That is my flower...everything from that stake over (they were a good 5 feet in my yard) is mine."...then the old woman said "My sister used to own all these properties...I am used to just taking the flowers...." and still they stood, "Well, they are mine...." (I remained firm in my theme) and I was not budging.

WHO DOES THIS!?!?!?!

Is this what happens in the country?

She then told me that she had be removing flowers for a month...which would explain the three big holes in my garden. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

OUT, get out!!!!

And they actually had the gall to seem pissed.

Then when I was driving to New Hamburg to drop George off I saw a huge sign hanging over the GORGEOUS green fields that said "Today's Holocaust, Abortion! Funded by YOUR Tax $$$!".

Um.

That seems a bit much, don't you think.

I hate that I will have to now look at this every time I go back and forth.

Way to fuck up the view.

Maybe I should rent a billboard beside it with that says....oh lord...I can't even write down what I want it to say...

Then that sent me down the conservative way....

With that thought I realized that we are probably one of the ONLY countries in the world where the leader was a big liar and then got a bigger majority after a non confidence vote and election...

WE LIKE LIARS!!!

All this being said I saw a gorgeous set of shelves at the antique market....

Politics and the girl who has no idea.

This is me.

My name is Sharron Matthews....Superstar (eff you guys, I am trying to start a trend and sell my shows...judge away.)

I am only a tiny bit embarrassed to tell you that I know absolutely nothing about politics.

I find it boring.

I find it tedious.

And like when you buy a car you know you are getting screwed, you just don't know how much...this is the way I feel about politics.

And that I am being coerced and lied to.

Huh.

Sad, huh?

AND I mean, armed with limited knowledge from "Man And Society" class taught by Mr. Tobin...god, he was a mean fucker...in Grade 10 and 11, I can see that we have it a lot better than most.

Lybia.

Egypt.

That Kim Jong Il in North Korea

Ew....shiver....gross...there are some mean fuckers (Like Mr. Tobin....but worse, I imagine)...running peoples lives in our world.

So, by comparison, maybe we don't have it so bad.

But maybe it can still be better.

(The next part may give away my limitations when it comes to fancy things like economics and...other gross shit but I feel compelled to tell you....so judge me if you will...I don't give a crap)

So, one day I asked George, who tapes the debates and watches them on PVR while I am on Facebook, reading my Kobo or wishing I was a little big dead from even hearing the debates in the background...I asked George what the whole "Non Confidence" thing meant....he took a great deal of time to describe the whole thing to me...I am always eager to learn...about anything but politics BUT I used the same learning skills that I need when I study....things.

When he was finished I said, "So, he lied, they party lied and broke the law".

He said, " Um, not technically....they weren't tried in a court of law...".

Me said, "What the fuck does that mean?"

He said, "Fancy thing, fancy thing, fancy things ....huge words like quagmire.... Non confidence vote."

Me said, " So they lied and broke the law and did things that other people could be put in jail for."

He said, "Um not technically..."

And around and around it went...George loves how there are absolutely no shades of grey with me....loves it, I am sure.

I was so mad.

I mean, I wasn't going to vote for the doof in the first place...I always vote NDP....always....but now...how?

How the fuck do we make this not happen?

I think that some people think that their vote doesn't count.

I sometimes feel this way.

But it does.

I think of all the people through the centuries who have DIED for the right to vote.

All the people who die now.

This is gonna sound ultra gaylordy...so put on your gaylordy reading caps....all our votes count.

Then I had a TRULY gaylordy thought...what if we all voted our hearts and the fuckers were kicked out.

What if...or what if we had a coalition GOVERNMENT!! THIS IS MY FAVE IDEA!!! I think Layton needs a terminator...I am not sure he has it in him...WHAT IF!!!

Who knows what can happen when we all vote our hearts....

That being said, here is a little story...I was recently in Moosejaw and the dude who was driving me to the airport began to tell me a story about the injustices that had happened at an Ash factory...I am hoping that I got that right...that some big business from Australia, of all places, was trying to buy out the Ash Factory near Moosejaw and they needed said Ash Factory...and he started to talk about how they had called the PM in to fix it...and I started to laugh...and he looked at me like I was crazy...this was the day I truly realized that some people think he is AWESOME!!! I mean, I know he gets votes and I guess I just never thought, truly thought about where they came from.

And then the next week I went to my sister's house in Hamilton and she had a PC sign on her fucking lawn and I just about passed out.

SO!!! SOME others will be voting their hearts as well...SO WE NEED TO FUCKING VOTE TOMORROW, PEOPLE!!!!

There, I said it...back to regular things...like watching "Hope Floats"

Just remember...."I think when ordinary working people come home, turn on the TV and see a gala of a bunch of people at, you know, a rich gala all subsidized by taxpayers claiming their subsidies aren't high enough, when they know those subsidies have actually gone up – I'm not sure that's something that resonates with ordinary people," Stephen Harper said in Saskatoon,

Well, at least my driver was happy.

VOTE, BITCHES!

"It is a Sausage Convention" at RUSH last night!

First of all....have you ever seen a happier man in your whole life.

Standing beside my man watching him THRILL through EVERY song that came on....PRICELESS. WORTHE EVERY PENNY FOREVER!!!

Second of all...I have NEVER seen so many STRAIGHT MEN in one place in my entire life. It was a bit weird for me...I didn't know how to conduct myself...

Third of all...I put myself in a line up to get into the orchestra (they call it the FLOOR in concert land...so strange this world)...into the orchestra of the theatre (auditorium)... at least I thought it was that line up...it was the line up for the...wait for it...MEN'S washroom...LINE UP!!! The men's rooms were all packed to overflowing.....that is how many guys were there...and it was sold out...it was, in George's words...a sausage convention. Almost, every time I walked by a group of dudes I would hear them say "There's a girl."....a girl....giggle...me...a girl. LOVE IT.

Fourth of all...George ran out of beer and I said I would go get him some and how much did he want...I put in my ear plugs...yes, I know...and as I walked away I saw about 10 guys nodding to George with awe and respect...

Fifth of all...Though RUSH is amazing...they really are...Geddy Lee, the lead singer commented that because they were so old they had to take an intermission...well, of course they did...it is the theatre, people...George went in search of the Men's room with the shortest line (it still amazes me) and I pulled out my KOBO and sat down... a gentleman in a Maple Leaf's cap and a t shirt that said "Don't Ask....I Divorced the Bitch" said,

"You brought your book to RUSH?"...incredulously....and I said, "Well, it is intermission and I don't know any of you people and my phone has no reception...do you have a better idea?"...He just shook his head and laughed at me in my face...and I bit back "It is a wonder that you aren't married"....or maybe "So, you do well with girls?"... or" You play the best air guitar and drums I have ever seen...that is gonna get you laid!!!" ....oh, so many thoughts....

Sixth of All...I loved watching that band. There is just three of them and they make the most amazing noise I have heard...symphonic. They played like motherfuckers...and that

Getty Lee...he was amazing.....

Geddy Lee had some tight pants on for a 60 year old dude to be running around in. And HE could move...I guess that is from many years of wearing too tight pants...stuffed with a banana....George will be mad when he reads that...but a joke is a joke.

That being said...they are fucking virtuosos....did I spell that right...fuck it...you know what I mean.

Seventh of All...My show at the Flying Beaver on Friday is SOLD OUT!!! I love that, I have to say. So, a second show has been added on Saturday and I have been told that it is selling very well. I would love to see you all...so please book in advance...you can come and have a nice dinner as well...get right sloshed. Don't heckle me though...you know what happens to hecklers....So,call the Pubaret (647.347.6567) for tickets...or go here for online tickets https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/170991