Wednesday, January 03, 2007

What have I done???

So...In the interest of starting off my year right I am doing the Master Cleanse........why would I do that??? You are asking I know....well at a Christmas Eve dinner party that I hosted at my house my friend and hair guru Bill told me about it and I know some friends who have been on it.....so I began to think.... a very dangerous thing....thinking......
During my last show and through the Christmas season I had fell a bit off my very well-oiled eating regime that I have been maintaining for about 5 years and when I say fell off ...I mean.....I ate anything that looked like food.....I ate..... and all was good.
But, my friends, I have been crankier than my usual crank so thought when Bill was telling me all about it that it just might be the ticket......
So, George went on the intraweb and did the research.....cause he is all gung ho, too......and he is better at the research.......he said that it looked good to him......he said that it would be a challenge but he thought we were up to it.....god forbid that I should check it out myself.....hmm.
So, on new years day......George and I had some burgers and fries and milkshakes to prime ourselves for the cleanse.....I mean it was just gonna come out in a matter of hours anyway right?? Was that TMI ????
I mean, it is me.....with me is there ever TMI??????
Maybe yes, Maybe no.
And then yesterday morning I woke up and had the first part of a three part plan.
1. 32 ounces of Sea Salt Water.....doesn't that sound refreshing??? Water....with salt......you know what it tastes like???
Blood....not that I am a vampire.....but ya know when you cut your finger and your first instinct is to shove the bloody fingy into your piehole??
THAT is what it tastes like!!!!!
32 ounces......which is about four glasses.... after the first your throat says...."Go fuck yourself.... I am sending this back up!"
I have a bad gag reflex...you do the math.....BUT I did it....you know what happens next?????
After you...finally....get it down....your body says....
"Oh, that is blood....I am gonna send that down south.....as FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!"
We were warned by others not to leave the house too fast after the sea salt....weren't they right....it ain't pretty folks.
2. Then, for the rest of the day you drink this mixture of cayenne pepper, lemon juice, maple syrup and water.....yummy.........warm water.....oooohhhh yummier...I waxed and waned nauseous and headachy all the live long day.......and whined.....so I waxed, waned and whined.......that might be the title of my first CD....but then by the evening I felt ......not bad....not good.....but not bad either.....I had high hopes for this morning and I think it would have been okay if we hadn't had......
3. Senna Tea just before bed......ya know what that is???It is nature's little laxitive .....yup.....gentle softener....well, soft ....if soft is gut wrenching cramps at 6:00am......and then you clean out and start the day all over again........ah.....so this morning before the sea salt I had.....
4. A nervous breakdown........why.....WHY AM I DOING THIS???????!!!! I cried and had a fit and blamed George and said I wasn't going to do it anymore! Fuck this........
Then I made George fix me the salty drink and I focused on the Squirrel outside the window and drank the blood..........I mean water....I only lost a bit into the sink....
I will not be beaten by a frinken' cleanse....I am gonna feel better goddamn it...........we shall see....huh??

3 comments:

TitiTrey said...

The lengths that we will go to. But I have to say missy I give you and George both credit. I am not sure I could do it. I wish you both the best of luck with that. I pray that it helps out and teachs you to not give up. But I know you don't so drink up buttercup! Kevin

karen said...

Wow, I don't think I could stomach that; I admire your determination! Good luck to both of you...I'm sure you'll feel great as a result in the end - and hey, you're almost halfway there already, right? :)

bbrat said...

Oh my god Sharon I'm sorry I laughed my ass off over the telling of your cleanse related discomfort.... You go Missy.... are you feeling the cleanse high yet?...
Cheers xox Bill