Last Night Someone Called Me Fat.

Last night someone called me fat. And not even in English. It has been my life long struggle. My weight. Once someone who was sitting right beside me...who is a good friend... called me the “Luther Vandros of Canadian Musical Theatre”...to which I forced the expected gut laugh.
Yes, I laughed at it...because I was embarrassed. Shouldn’t I seem as if I am fine about it...strong and empowered by it?
But, believe me people, to me, my weight is not a laughing matter...it is something I agonize over on a daily basis. EVERY fucking DAY!
Everything I eat, everything that I wear, circles around where my very sensitive form is at that day.
And yes, it seems more sensitive than others...it does...you can all think what you want about my choices but when I sit beside a 5 foot gal who mows down a steak dinner with a beer and she tells me that her appetite is like this all the time...I know that my body is sensitive.
I joke that I was born to carry milk and farm...that, basically, I was born with the genes of a peasant...this is my latest 'funny quip' about the battle that has raged within me my whole life.
I have never wanted it to define who I am.
So, I don’t usually talk about it.
But I picked a business where it is a central focus.
Funny that.
Being big is obvious.
Sometimes you can’t tell when your friend is a crack head...and crack can make you thin...so maybe you have given your crackhead pal a compliment on their recent weight loss. Who knows how they lost it...they look great...size wise anyhow.
Yes, that is harsh...but that will tell you where I am at today.
Many times I have lost weight just to avoid the snap decisions that the world makes even before you open your mouth...they see you standing there and make assumptions...she is jolly, she is funny, she eats too much, she can take me telling her all of these things...she is an object to be judged simply by her size.
And I am angry that I have lost weight for that reason...but I am not going to lie to you... it was great to level the playing field, even for a while.
The oddest thing I experience at the edge of a large weight loss is that it never seems enough. I don’t know where to stop...
As I have lost weight a number of times I do my best to not listen or confront the opinions and voices that come my way...but it is a futile battle sometimes...equal to the final war scene in that movie “300”.
Here are the comments and here are my standard responses.
“You look so much better.” Than what exactly? A dog, a tree, a couch?
“You have lost a ton.” I didn’t know that I had weighed a metric tonne.
“We were all hoping you would lose the weight” Did you and Canada have a talk about my pants size? I am flattered.
You know how I always know that I have gained a bit too much weight?
In conversations when people are talking about bigger humans someone is just about to say fat...they even get the “f” out if their mouths...and they say overweight, large sized or, my person fave, hefty...like the garbage bag.
I know I have “become socially acceptably thin” when FAT comes back into a conversation.
The above mentioned scale is more trustworthy than any scale or pair of “skinny’ jeans.
Oh god. Why.
Why do I care so much...and why do you?
I feel embarrassed that one of the only things that has made me feel better about my struggle is...Oprah. She has it all...money, fame, power...and she STILL goes up and down. I have even thought “Uh oh, there she goes.”...I know..I am also quite guilty of the judgement.
But the fact that she has ALL of those things and battles anyway gives me a small degree of comfort.
But then there is the horrible Kirsty Alley story...she has become an American car wreck. And she is doing her VERY best to spin it...but it is horrible to watch. For me anyway.
he public cannot get enough.
The world gives you one chance at salvation.
Like a movie or a good book.
You get one chance to make yourself over...to kick the habit...to not be something the world disdains...but GOD help you if you take another drink or gain back that weight.
Shouldn’t they have learned the first time?
Back to Oprah.
I was listening to Portia DeRossi talk about her anorexia.
This was about 5 years ago, before the recent Ellen and Portia interview on Oprah. She was making some awesome observations and then said something like “Well, look at Oprah, she has everything a person can want but all I see is a yo yo dieter....”
That froze me...really...this woman has done so MANY amazing things...and THAT is what you see?
I have been big, I have been small...I hope to be smaller again...but I want it not to be at the cost of...well, of....my big self.
Do you know what I mean?
I have been on a diet for about 35 years and I am pretty pooped out.
But...but I try again...I try not to be embarrassed at dinners when I order a salad...to not think that people shit and think “Uh oh, here she goes.”
So, I am in the middle of another little war...
And I am in the middle of one of the biggest things I have ever done in my life.
I know I am not Oprah, but I think I have done some pretty cool things.
And I think that the “World Domination Tour 2010” is one of the coolest.
I even did a photo shoot this week....I was nervous because I wish I was smaller...but I decided to be fine with where I was...my photographer Tracey Nolan got some great shots...and though I agonized a bit over some of my full body shots...I thought "BE enpowered!!!"
I have worked hard to get where I am...wherever that may be...I have put in a ton (not a metric tonne) of hours.
And now to yesterday...

Friday March 19th 2010
Yesterday I went to a commercial audition and tried not to feel fat...and came off alright...struggled with thoughts that my agent might not be sending me out as much because I am bigger.
Came home and sent emails to NY and Scotland...realized I had met all of my goals for this date...a date I had on my calendar...Mar 19th...deadline for Edinburgh Fringe Early Registration...I had a venue and had raised enough funds to put a down payment on it, register for the fringe AND buy an ad in the program. And contacted people about a PR person for my NY dates.
I taught commercial pop performance (one of my biggest passions) and watched young people make great discoveries and do hard work and I felt so blessed.
Some of the students I taught previously came in to audition for my big fund raising benefit...I am featuring up and comers who I have worked with...they did some great stuff and humbled me, making me feel grateful to be a part of their journey.
I sat and ate (every bite in watched meticulously but enjoyed thoroughly) with dear friends and laughed.
I went to meet my husband after his show...as I walked into Betty’s a gentlemen who I didn’t know very well, but who I had welcomed into my home said something loudly in Serbian.
I don’t know it you know...but I DON’T speak serbian...or english very well sometimes for that matter...and just moved on.
I order a green tea...not a wine or beer....and this Serbian gentleman saddled over to me and started engaging me in conversation.
I know I had a smile on my face...I was enjoying myself...then he said....
“When I met you I heard you were a singer...and looking at you I thought she has the warmth and size to be a singer...you know rounder...a bigger woman...stronger....(then here I started to hear a screaming sound in my head and my heart started to beat faster so I misses a couple words so you get the gist)...so I yelled “(something in serbian that I AGAIN didn’t understand)”...you know, it means...”It isn’t over till the fat lady sings”...."
You could have knocked me over with a feather. Again...my whole day...which was mostly fabulous...reduced to this.
And, instead of getting mad, which I am happy to do when someone says something horrible and rude to me...I am ashamed to say...I got embarrassed.
I said it was fine.
I went to see my friend who was across the way.
And then I went to the bathroom and cried.
Good lord. Why did I not call him out?
I went home, quickly, and got into the bath....till 4:00 am.
All of these great things and this one asshole felt confident that he could reduce me to one common, rude phrase.
I went over and over it again in my head.
There is nothing funny about it and nothing I want to crack wise about it.
have not gotten over it yet and I am sure I will carry it through my day.
And please don’t feel bad for me...let me wage my war of weight peacefully as I can...and see me...and know that deep inside I totally dig myself...I just have my moments. And I just wanted to publicly say...
Fuck you, you small, small man. Don’t you know who I think I am.

You have got to be kidding me, people.

I wanted Sandra to win...I never kept it a secret...I crowed it out loud... and when she did I screamed and screamed.
I wish I was her friend...we could drink beers together...just like that beer drinking, pizza eating scene from “Miss Congeniality”.
And.
I have not seen “Precious”...let us not forget that it is based on “Push a novel by Sapphire”...way to go Sapphire's literary agent...hard to say but way to get your shit out there!!!
So, as I said, I have not seen “Precious” but it seems that the world agrees that Gabourey Sidibe is wonderful in it...and maybe she should have won the Oscar...maybe yes, maybe no.
BUT as of this morning they were both actresses were featured in the Crazy Olympics that appeared on my and your computers and in our newspapers.
Everyday, for my fancy news, I go to the Globe and Mail...and sometimes I read Lynn Crosbie...she is sometimes mean, sometimes caustic...but I find some of her articles interesting...and her columnist photo is that of a rock and roll band groupie...which I always find intriguing.
Today, Lynn Crosbie had an article entitled “Sandra Bullock snags a sweetheart deal”...
I got worried...and then as I read it I found that I had every right to be.
Horrible and mean...and written like a person who woke up in the middle of the night after a bottle of wine and wanted to really bitch about the girl who was more popular than her in highschool.
I am not saying she was...that is just how it seems.
Hm.
She refers to people like myself...the lovers of Sandra...in the following paragraph...

“most tabloid gossip involved her rapacious appetite for appalling junk food like Marshmallow Fluff and raw cookie dough, which made her still more endearing, especially to the lonely girls, eating jumbo boxes of Dots in the dark.”

Nice.
I guess all of us girls (and some boys, I am sure) are obese, single, depressed, closet eaters...to be ridiculed for our stupidity.

And Lynn must have a very long and focused hate on for Sandy to recall this...

“And then, in 1995, at the height of her fame and shortly after the (fiscally disappointing) The Net, David Spade, the evil little oracle, did a bit on Saturday Night Live about her. Sean Penn was the guest, and Spade asked him if he had seen “the talking pig movie yet.
Babe had just come out, and Penn said “No.”
“What, you haven’t see The Net?”

Who remembers that??? Who???
And then...just in case you thought she was mincing her words...there was so much more but this...this was the highlight...

“Bullock’s weakness was one bad film, an obvious nose job and status as a single woman, which makes all stars sexually suspect — even the queer, hyphenated Meredith Baxter-Birney knew this."

Can’t you just see the Mean Girl standing there...”Well, she got a fucking nose job...bitch.” And the queer comment...I leave that for you to make your own decisions on...but it ain’t good.
Bitter, petty and mean. That is how is all sounds. And, most sadly, disappointing.
So,Lynn, if that is what you were going for....congrats.
And if that wasn’t enough, then I went to the Star...and there was a bookmarked article with this title.
“Is moment in spotlight over for Precious star Sidibe?”
I hoped to not ever see this sentiment...but knew that the society we live in would not be able to resist.
Since she is big, and she didn’t win the Oscar... like that woman from Gilbert Grape and Hairspray...she was finished.
I cannot even.
And the reason these stereotypes are perpetuated?
People like Howard Stern...who, incidentally, was prominently featured in this article...are you ready?...this isn’t for the faint of heart...

“Stern made the comments on his Sirius Satellite Radio Monday, calling Sidibe “the most enormous fat black chick I’ve ever seen.”
“It’s just ludicrous because everybody is pretending she is part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie. She really should have got the best actress award because she’s never going to have another ... what movie is she going to be in?”
“It’s so sad, you just want to say to her, ‘Listen honey, now that you’ve got a little money in the bank, go get yourself thin, you’re going to die,’” said Stern, known for his wilting, profanity-laced diatribes."

Wow. I know he is an asshole but this takes it. He is the sort who wishes all women would work out and not eat so they could stay in porn films, where they belong.

That is all that needs be said about Stern.
But, the sentiment is everywhere...fat is a one trick pony...so after you have done your “fat” role and gotten your accolades you better get on the treadmill.

Now, here is where I get mad...did anyone say that to Paul Giamatti after “Sideways”, or Phillip Seymour Hoffman after...well, anything that he has been nominated for?
Some leading men are large, bald, not especially handsome..... and celebrated.
Some of the biggest box office sellers are Seth Rogan, Jack Black and that younger, funnier guy who looks like Seth Rogan...and Will Ferrell.
John Travolta and Alec Baldwin lose and gain weight like the changing of the seasons and they get bigger parts....funnily enough.
"Where is the female version of that" Glenn Sumi said on twitter a couple of weeks ago...I ask the same thing...oh ya...we have to allow it first.
We have to open our fucking minds.
Yes, I am a big girl...I have been a smaller girl...I will be a smaller girl...and probably a bigger girl again...but that is not how I describe myself...I have NEVER let that limit what I can do...the world might do that to me...but I will never do that to myself.
Can’t we get past this...can we get past being embarrassed because we enjoy or are entertained by something that is supposedly “low brow” or “chick flicks” or “chick lit”...can we allow all people to be artists? Can we at least let them try?
And can women stop bashing each other?
AND DID ANYONE MENTION ANYTHING about men at the Oscars? How they looked, why they did or didn’t win...how Steve Martin has had OBVIOUS (there you go Lynn) facial surgery? I don’t give a shit...but have they?
No, let us focus on the nice and the large.
Goodness gracious, jesus wept.

Sharron Matthews Superstar!!! World Domination Tour 2010

After being named

“Best Cabaret Performer”
what does a girl do?
Well, If her name is Sharron Matthews, she embarks on her World Domination Tour 2010!

From 2005 to 2009 in Toronto, Canada, the “Inimitable” Sharron Matthews created, wrote and hosted the “ Hottest ticket in town ”, the wildly successful Sharron’s Party! Her live variety show featured Canada’s most talented and celebrated singers, actors, TV personalities, newspaper columnists, playwrights, writers, comedians and composers.
During the entire run the press and audiences raved!!!

“Capable of selling any song like it is prime downtown real estate”
John Coulbourne, Toronto Sun

"Live-wire who electrifies the cabaret scene.”
Richard Ouzounian, Toronto Star

“the kind of performer who can only sound but fabulous” Xtra magazine

In 2009, after being named “Best Cabaret Performer” by Toronto’s Now Magazine (the same publication that named her show “Critic’s Pic” a staggering 20 times!) Sharron decided it was time to take her show on the road with...

Sharron Matthews Superstar!
World Domination Tour 2010

TORONTO
“Sharron Matthews Superstar: World Domination Tour 2010 KICK OFF Fundraiser!”
Sharron kicks off her tour with a huge Fundraiser!!!
On Friday April 16th and Saturday April 17th @ 8:00 pm Sharron will take to the stage at her beloved Buddies in Bad Times to raise funds her world tour....guests, surprises, AN ALL NEW SHOW!!! What a weekend this will be...Sharron’s first show at Buddies in almost a year...it will be a doozy! She has a lot to say, people!
Tickets are a special fundraising price of $30.00.
There is an arts and student discount ticket for $20.00
www.artsexy.ca

NEW YORK
On Saturday June 5th @ 7:00 pm and Sunday June 6th @ 9:30 pm Sharron will be making her New York cabaret debut at the legendary Joe’s Pub. Yes, she will! Newsweek calls Joe’s Pub "one of the country's best small stages" and New York Magazine raves “you never know what you’ll find next at Joe’s Pub, but you can count on the fact that it will be good, very good." Well....Sharron will step on the stage that has been graced by the likes of Leonard Cohen, Alicia Keys, Sutton Foster and fricken Bono. Tickets are $20.00 and you can go to http://www.joespub.com/component/option,com_shows/task,view/Itemid,40/id,5106 for info!!!

EDINBURGH
In August Sharron will take her World Domination Tour 2010 over the pond, people!!!
“Sharron Matthews Superstar” hits the Edinburgh Fringe Festival from August 16th to August 28th at the Surgeon’s Hall.
CAN YOU TAKE IT?!?!?!?
Go here to check out the venue... http://www.thespaceuk.com/edinburgh/venue53-info
I went for an intimate space with a fabu location!
And this is the Fringe website!
www.edfringe.com

More dates to follow!!!

Sharron Matthews Superstar: World Domination Tour 2010 is produced by Sharron Matthews and C. Derrick Chua, and is supported by Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, North America’s largest queer theatre company.

www.sharronmatthews.com

Sharron is going out to shine a light on our fabulous Canadian Cabaret Community!
If you find yourself overwhelmed with excitement and would like to donate to this fabulous project email Sharron at me@sharronmatthews.com
and she will send you a package!
Every dollar helps!

An Olympic Thought

I love the Olympics.
I didn't get to watch them much this year, and that was a sad turn of events...but I liked even knowing that they were happening. Kinda like how when I was growing up I might not have seen my Grama all night because she was holed up in her room doing macrame but I knew she was in the house and that made me feel safe and warm.
I would sit in front of our stereo/tv console for the whole two weeks ...two in the summer and two in the winter..,when the summer and the winter games would happen in the same year...that feels like a million years ago now!
Do you guys remember that?
I recall feeling a bit dejected that we NEVER seemed to win any medals...not as many as Russia...
Watching what I could of these Olympics...though I would rather sit in a pile of poo than do any cross country skiing event...I felt involved and felt like Canada had done something special. I know you are all saying "Well, duh, Sharron." But it beats mentioning again that we went from NEVER winning a gold medal on our own soil to winning the most gold medals by a host country. I mean, COME ON!
During the eighties Canadian organizers and coaches talked on and on about how we needed to invest in these atheletes...as communities and local governments...federal governments and companies...and it happened ...and we are finally seeing the fruits of all of that funding and attention.
All I can think of...is this...what if we did the same thing for the arts in Canada?
Imagine what we could accomplish.
Sigh.

Halle- Berry-lujah!

Okay, may I start with my favourite new phrase...holy crap doodles!
I was driving to Staples to photocopy...again...the people who work there all yell, "Hi Sharron!" when I walk in....like Norm from Cheers....alright young people...that was a popular sitcom from the 50's.
Some kid asked me who STING was last month. Jesus wept.
What was I sayin'?
Okay, so I am in my SUV, that no one will buy, driving to the Staples and I turned on the radio because I like to keep current with the popular music for my all important work...and the radio announcer said..."Alright, here is the NEWEST version of Hallelujah coming up?"
The newest version?!?!?
NEWEST!?!?!
LEAVE IT ALONE!!!
Oh for craps sake... it was all effing self indulgent and slow and whiny..oh my dog.
And for the record...I have been wanting write something about this song for a while but the spelling daunts me...I had to go to my dictionary and figure that shit out.
I remember it like this now Halle(Berry)Loo-Ja(Rule).
Sometimes to be good at one thing you must let go of another....shopping for spelling.
LEAVE THE HALLELUJAH ALREADY!
Let us all imagine KD's version from the opening ceremonies...and eff you judgers...she WAS SINGING LIVE!
I just now realized that KD is like Kraft Dinner.
God, I am hungry.

Biathlon or Poo.

This may not be something that has ever crossed your mind....but, for some bizarre reason, it did mine.
We were watching the end of the Men's Biathlon yesterday.
Let me say first off...I have the greatest respect for these athletes....I am sure that they work like dogs.
But.
The end of the race was an uphill sprint...on cross country skis...with a gun on your back....after skiing and and shooting...for 10 Kms.
The guys who were racing each other at the end ALL had drool running out of their mouths...their wide open mouths... as they pushed themselves over the finish line and then promptly smushed their spittle covered faces into the ground...along with the rest of their bodies.
All I could think of was when I was 12 and my family got cross country skis and we went skiing.
On my first hill...uphill....I was halfway up and I wished that I was dead.
Dead.
As we watched all those people laying on the ground I said to George...
"If I was offered a million dollars and I had two choices....one was to spend 4 years training to compete in the winter biathlon and the other was to sit in a pile of poo for a week....I think I would choose the poo."

Hey Old DUDE!!!!

.......................................................So, my friend Trish and I are standing at the Tim Horton's sandwich making station...it always takes them forever to put together a turkey club...their service is only second to the FABULOUS service you always get at Canadian Tire. (Everyone who works there seems like there wish they were a bit dead.) Trish and I are dishing and there is a middle aged dude who seems amused by our conversation and looking for an opening to be a part of it. I do NOT encourage it. Trish and ! get to the part of the conversation that is focused on my late night viewing of the VH1 special DIVAS....you know...Divas started years ago with awesome chicks like Cher, Mariah, Christina, Celine...and now it has been going on for so long that the only ladies who they can come up with are Miley Cyrus... WHAT!!!?!?!? And Jordan Sparks...WHO!?!?!? I recalled her name but still had to google her...she is most remembered for the inane comeback on the MTV awards to Russell Brand's hilarious joke about the Jonas Brothers' purity rings....Ms. Sparks said something super smart like..."Some people aren't sluts!" WTG.
Anyhow. The part of the show that we was talking about was the AMAZING opening number ...not so much. I was pontificating how Paula showed up in a Liza Minelli wig and lipsynched...sanked...whatever...to a medley of her biggest hits....like that gem "Cold Hearted Snake"...and that hot tune "Opposites Attract"...I mean really... and this middle aged dude...remember him? Says "Well, it is too bad you aren't cattie" to which I turned...giving him my full height and saying " It isn't cattie if it's the truth" and then just stared at him.
What the eff?
Was I talking to you?
If my voice is pitched a bit louder than other people does that give you a right to involve yourself in my chat about VH1's Divas???
Do we look like we want to talk to a middle aged dude who seems to be habouring an opinion on VH1 Divas?
Do you have personal relationship with Ms. Abdul?
Hey old dude... eff off!
AND THAT IS MY TURKEY CLUB!
Okay...no it isn't ...but wouldn't that have been awesome?

Holy Chihuahua.

SO!
I had to shop for an outfit this weekend. First of all, bad move to go out when the "weekend people" are out.
Now, because I am a person with a flexible schedule I enjoy the blessing of being able to do activities when people are working. I never go to popular city destinations on the weekend because the "weekend people" come out.
What are weekend people you might ask?
Well.
They are the people who populate places like the mall, the grocery store, kitchy restaurants, book stores, libraries, walking paths and furniture stores on Saturday and Sunday in their weekend clothes...jeans that are pressed, track suits made of velour, blond pony-tail-wearing-girls in matching sweater sets, pants and spiffy coats, with very small purses, very big sunglasses and just about gay boyfriends. You know who I mean....
I have nothing against weekend people.
Actually, they look at my weekend clothes....that are a step down from my regular fancy "jeans and a t-shirt" weekday look...and maybe think I might be homeless...
So, anyhow...I am at the Eaton's Centre trying not to kill myself...I am all hot because I overdressed and am wearing a down coat inside for 5 hours...I have taken my clothes on and off so many times that I have begun to discard layers in my purse....I am sure someone thought I was shoplifting....my hat has been pulled on and off so often that my hair looks like a squirrel messed in it...and I am on way out of the mall...and thought I would try and sit down before the long walk home in my fake, salt covered UGG boots...classy...suck it, people...and I cannot find a seat....because all of the "weekend" husbands and boyfriends are sitting in them looking more miserable than me....if that is possible....and the last seat I look at is being taken by...and I am not shitting you people....a chihuahua in a Burberry coat....and MATCHING SCARF....sitting beside a girl on a bedazzled Blackberry wearing a spiffy coat...holding a too small purse...you get the picture.
And you know all I could think?
Life is fucked when a dog is dressed better than me.

Rob Marshall....What the eff?

So, I waited. I waited till today for MANY reasons to see Nine. Firstly, I couldn't find someone who would go with me....and also I was putting it off because I heard so many negative reviews and I didn't want to believe it. I just DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT PEOPLE!!!
When I sat in the theatre last September to see some other film and the trailer for Nine came on...I gasped...which scared the shit outta George and then I started to cry. TOTAL GAYLORD. I know. So, I waited...and then the crap reviews came out. NO.
Yes, my friends. It was crap.
My niece, who came with me...who is a totally smart, together lady...had no idea why it was called Nine.
Way to go, Rob Marshall.
Now, here is the kiss of death...I did the show in college...yes, I know...someone has always done a production of something somewhere..I loved it...I loved the music and the story...and NONE of it existed in this...film...may I use that word loosely...you think I might even give it a break because it was a musical ...and I have a soft spot for them and will give them A LOT of leeway...but not here people.
Where shall I start.
Oh yes, this is a movie about beautiful women, well it shoulda been...and they could not have been shot from less flattering angles...in one of Nicole Kidman's first shots she looked like Carl Malden in a Ginal Lolabrigida wig...don't know who either of those people are?...google the crap outta that...and I thought it was virtually impossible to shoot Penelope Cruz from a bad angle...DING DING DING...well, success on that one! She looks like hell in everyone of the shots she is not singing in. Singing? Hm.
And they made Kate Hudson eat...something...I am all for people eating...don't get me wrong...but I think they gave her a week to gain weight...so she ate two Mars bars...all puffy.
And I LOVE that everyone calls Fergie fat in this movie.
Hollywood sucks.
And every major character in this movie ends up sitting in front on Daniel Day Lewis... and crying.
Kidman.
Cotillard.
Cruz.
When the final woman started to tear up in her song I said out loud 'COME ON!'.
They sing about how much they love him and how he is so brilliant...but how he fucked them over...but they still love him.
Gross.
In the stage play...all these women leave him...because he is too hard to be with.
They made sure, for some reason that this was not the case in the movie.
Cruz's character tries to commit suicide.
Cotillard, instead of singing the beautiful and empowered "Be On Your Own" in all her clothes, appears as a stripper wearing next to nothing in a new number that is crappy and ends up showing her tits...from a back type angle...but she still shows side-tit.
One word.
WHY!?!?!?!?
And Kidman...looks crappy....they stick some hat on her head while she massacres one of the most beautiful songs.....ever.
They took out some of the most beautiful music... Nine, the title song...THEY CUT THE TITLE SONG...which is sung by the Mother...instead Loren sings ....sings...a song called "Mine"....I kept waiting for her to rhyme 'Mine' with 'Nine'...while she sang to the boy...WHO IS NINE...DING DING DING....but nope.
And she wears a matching neck scarf with every outfit.
The took out "The Bells of St. Sebastian", "Only with You" and Carla's beautiful song of leaving called "Simple".
And in their place...and in their place my friends....was a song called "Cinema Italiano"...in which the puffy Kate Hudson shakes her ass and says Cinema Italiano over and over again..and Guido...over and over again...way to move the plot. And she go go dances.
REally.
Really?
I am all depressed.
Fave moment...Cotillard singing "My Husband Makes Movies" ...it is lovely.
I didn't feel anything about Lewis.
Which, I think, is a bad thing.
Mad.
Sad.
Bad.
Sigh.
Okay, my final thoughts...from someone who is NOT a film major but a lover of musical theatre ....it was like a movie that would be directed by a first year film student who loved Italian Cinema and wanted to use ALL of the examples of....Italian Cinema....in one movie...with a bejillion dollar budget and....ANY ACTOR that he wanted in the world.
In Chicago, the movie...which I LOVED...he used the device of the songs being done in Roxie's mind...maybe because he didn't think that the actors singing them where they were written in the original stage script would be accepted by a non-musical audience. Who knows? But it worked like a MFer there....
In Nine....he puts all of the songs in Guido's head because....wait....haven't I seen this before?
Give the audience a break...they are smarter than you think....
WOW!!!
How do you really feel Sharron!?
Oh...and let us be realistic people...I hope he NEVER reads this and casts me in his next movie....hmmm.
What did you think?

Big Boned.

So, I don't usually do two posts in one day but...George went to the Doggie Store to get boots for the Big Dog. Don't laugh and judge you bastards...he has very sensitive feet and the salt hurts his pads.
Anyhow...he was talking to a lady in Beamsville Doggie Store...George not the Big Dog...where he (George again) stopped to escape this bullshit weather...again, people, if it was before Christmas it would be cozy...but now it is just crap...anyhow...the Doggie Store Beamsville Lady found some XXXL sized booties....they are super cutes!!..and George asked her if since he was there was there any coats his size...she told George that he would need to take Tyson (Big Dog) to ....wait for it....HORSE WORLD!!!
Our poor dog needs to go to the animal version of Addition Elle...or the Big and Tall Store.
I think he is emotional eating in the kitchen right now.
OH!
And P.S....we are watching "The Rocker" that movie with Rain Wilson from "The Office" ( I loved him best as Arthur on "Six Feet Under") and it is quite funny....two fave lines so far
"Oh Look...a Hummer...it is like a school bus for assholes" and "Look at that guy...it seems like Abercrombie and Fitch are making people now."
Wow.
I am loving this Sunday!!!
Tomorrow?
Back to talking over the world.

So, I can't sleep. It is almost 2:00am. I have only my sad self to blame.
You see, my friends, I got this big ole' TV...and it is so pretty...and I want to see neato movies on it.
What neato movies? Do you ask?
Well, I started with the WHOLE 3rd season of that romantic situation comedy... Dexter.
Oh...I love this show! It just gets better and better...and I really enjoyed Jimmy Smits...and the lady who plays the foul mouthed sister. The show just keeps geting BETTER AND BETTER. And Michael C. Hall? Just scrumptiously evil...and somehow likeable...you root for his serial killing ass!
And I hear that season 4 is even BETTER!!!
BUT that isn't the reason I cannot sleep...surprisingly.
Then George came home with two videos....yes, I said videos... I still call my ipod a walkman...so this will continue for a LONG time...one of the videos he brought me is a movie that I saw the beginning of in the theatres...but after about 10 minutes it was clear to Georgie and myself that it was all "Blair Witch" camera...we packed up our contraband food and left...but I really wanted to see it!
District 9...it was still a bit sick making on my new, huge TV!!! But not so bad...although you gotta admit that shit was gross. There was ....well, I don't wanna give it away...but the movie is good.
What a great idea...great script...LOVED it...but with the monsters you would this was the reason that I cannot sleep.
But no.
THIS is the reason.
Susan effing Henley, while standing in the green room at LKTYP with both of us wearing bloomers...theatre is weird like that....told me about how she had gone on a date with her husband to the movies and seen....
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY.
"OH, Sharron, you'll love it!"
Will I, Susan...will I?
So, Georgie...in an effort to sooth my mood...no comment...got me those two videos...one was Distrist 9 and the second....you guess it....Paranormal-scare-the

-shit-outta-me-Activity.
Oh, my god.
That shit scared the living doodee outta me....if you didn't get that from the line above...it bears mentioning one more time.
It was so simple and the acting was a tad campy...and the guy character was an asswipe...but holy crap.
By the end I was a mass of nerves...because that shit was so real on my big, gorgeous TV.
i couldn't shake it all day...or night.
That was yesterday.
Now it is ...you think that I would feel better one day after.
But NO!
Here I sit.
On the couch.
By myself.
George is gone overnight...oh ya...don't come over to scare me....my huge dogs will kill you.
I am fighting not falling asleep....
I am 41 for fucksakes!!!!
Where is the bravery and the sense?
Where indeed.

Best and Worse of 2009

What a year it has been, what a rare mood I'm in...why it's almost like being in bed...oh no...wait! I AM in bed.
And I could not be happier, or more exhausted, or more excited...or more nervous.
Oh people, I am SOOO many things...and they are all a result of the year that was 2009....and the decade that was the....2000's? The Aughts?
Did we ever come up with a proper way to label this strange, exciting AND effed-up decade?
It seems too daunting to go over the best and worse of the decade...I mean I am in bed, after all....but let me try for this year...

January
Best: I guested on Keith Cole's "Needle Exchange" and he surprised me by having a band and handing me the words to "I Kissed a Girl" by Kate Perry...a song I have NEVER sung...nor knew the melody to...I made it up...and was mad...but just fake 'on stage' mad. And then John Colbourne wrote something about it in the paper "the closest he (Keith Cole) came to needling any of his guests was when he scolded musical theatre diva Sharron Matthews for not singing enough "pretty" songs -- and based on her rendition of The Rose, he might have a point."...um...is that bad...or good? I went with good...as I love John Colbourne...he has given me all of my most interesting and fabulous reviews..."takes to the stage like a leopard to the jungle"... "can sell any song like it is prime downtown real estate"...see how I worked my bullet points in there...I am such a publicity whore...I own it...judge as you will.

Worst: (Here is a "I am not gonna lie to you, it was bad" moment.)
When I filled lotion bottles at a friend's spa (NOT a rub and tug you dirty bitches) because that epic musical Rob Roy was cancelled five days before we started rehearsal (two days before Christmas). I filled said bottles because I had reluctantly deemed it close enough to the job to fix my car and buy Christmas presents. OH and...not that I was bitter...I had to quit many gigs as, though there had been no contracts given out it was "leaked" to the Toronto Star that I, and a number of others, were going to be in the show.
Super classy.

February
Best: It is a tie between the " Awesome Wedding of Adrienne and Kevin Dennis" and the "Salon/Dance Party at the Loach's"
The wedding reception was at the Palais Royale...BEAUTIFUL... the guest list was a who's who a fabu fun people ...Serge Kushnier, Matty Murray, David Dunbar, Bob Foster, Karen Burthwright, Rachel Fischer, Patty Zee (who was only at the church because she was doing "A New Brain" and, incidentally had accidentally cut part of her finger off the day before). The evening ended with a live band and a conga line and then a limbo with trained dancers....it was a site to behold an unnamed dancer shimmying under the bar with her beautiful dress hiked up as far as it would go. As I said, AWESOME.
The Salon/Dance Party at the fabulous and supportive Loach's started with some very intimate performances by Guy Few, George Masswohl (yes, that George Masswohl...he made me cry), my idol Sandra Shamas showed part of her latest show on the huge TV screen and then I told a story about how much she inspired me...I didn't make it through and cried like a baby and she maybe thought I was bonkers...ah well.
And then...outta nowhere...the party had dwindled down to a core group of fabu people...Christine Horne, Brad Hampton, Dan Thompson, Georgie, Shelly and Peter, the Loach's...and a two hour dance party ensued...it was quite possibly one of the BEST PARTIES I HAVE EVER BEEN TO!

Worse: Going to a callback to play a series regular on an American TV series called "Happy Town"...I was SO excited to have the callback in such strapped times...arriving I found out that the two woman I was called back for my part with were IN THEIR 60's!!!!!!!

March
Best: The "Sing Out, Louise!!!" benefit at Buddies in Bad Times. Because I hosted and produced the evening I had the luxury of standing backstage and witness some of the best performances I have EVER seen... Patricia Zentilli singing "IF", accompanied by Patti Loach...Zentilli hit a high M at the end of the tune that made me pee. Thom Allison, accompanied by Wayne Gwillim) debuted one of his alter egos, Alexandra Neil, and killed the audience with his talent and style. George Masswohl (yes, that George Masswohl) did one of the most moving two song acts I have seen, with flugel horn accompaniment by John Loach. Damien Atkins and Andrew Kushner performed an accapela medley of songs that was just funny and flabbergasting and featured "Single Ladies" by Beyonce before it was fashionable to copy that song. Just to name a few of the amazing artists!

Worse: I was featured in a article for the Globe and Mail Auto Section, a puff piece for my Sharron's Parties...and because I drive an SUV I was labeled in the scathing comments as everything from fat and stupid (mean and What has my weight got to do with my car?) t0 a lesbian (which I took as a compliment).

April:
Best: Sharron's Surprise Party at Buddies in Bad Times...great guests over these two nights...Kritty Uranowski, Gabi Epstein and my dear friend from days of yore Tim Boyle...he and I talked in the interview for 20 minutes and told some very scathing stories about our roomate-ness in the 90's. IE: the big naked late night walk in Penetang and Hoolies.

(George just turned over and said "Are you still writing?"...yes, I am still in bed.)

Worst: Letting George talk me into going to the audition for "Phantom 2: Electric Boogaloo"...okay...that is not the title....but it should be. The casting directors came to Canada for two days...and went from hearing a whole song to hearing 16 bars during the first twenty minutes of the first day...then it was all over FB that if you were going you better sing some belty 16 bars....I went into the audition and there was an action figure lying on the floor in the centre of the room...that was where we were supposed to stand. I belted my entire song. Then the casting directors picked up and left right after me...as I stood outside and chatted with Julain Molnar we watched at least 10 more people arrive to audition for the show...and the casting team had left.
Super classy.

May
Best and Worse: Working for three weeks on my Chalmer's Fellowship grant application. Firstly, while grants are awesome...grant applications suck ass...and not good ass.
I was given priceless help and support from Sky Gilbert, David Oiye, Ed Sahely, Leslie Arden, Paul Sportelli, Curtis Barlow, Louise Pitre and the long suffering but deeply loved George Masswohl. The last day I was a crazy lady. I was in my pajamas all day and George kept running across the street to the Kwik Copy as our printer had broken. One hour before the deadline he drove me to drop the package off on Bloor Street, still in my pajamas...when the time came to give it over I was very reluctant...it is quite honestly some of the best work I have ever done. I am tempted to hang that shit on my wall.

June
Best: The very last Sharron's Party!! It was packed! It was my Big Gay Party...which is no different from every other Party I have written and hosted. It was amazing to reach the end of this five year journey and wrap something up before it got stale. The audience was off the rails...Thom Allison sang " I am Changing" from Dreamgirls and Jeigh Madjus sang "It's Raining Men"...and Christopher Skinner yelled "One More Song"!!!
You are missed Skinner.
And I wore this outfit....life rocks...as does FASHION CRIMES!!!




















Worst: The End of Sharron's Party. Yes, I was torn.


July
Best: My niece, Vivian, visited and the most culturally diverse week I have ever had occured. We went to see The Sound of Music, West Side Story at Stratford, she came to see my show at Statlers...I know, I tried VERY hard not to swear and we saw the Producers at Stage West. We then went to Canada's Wonderland and rode all of the coasters until I almost threw up. She was a great pleasure to have and she said her fave part of the whole visit was when we walked the dogs.
Gotta love it.















Worst: This was the month I had the "tea bag" incident with the "Hair-pointy-uppy-valley-girl-speakie-barista-boys" at Starbucks on Church street. Jesus wept. Oh and "tea bag"...not what it sounds like.


August
Best: Tie! This month I was lured to Buddies under the guise of attending a young version of "Sing Out Louise!" and it became the biggest surprise of my life. The youngsters, headed by the lovely Sara Farb, put together a show to salute Jenni Burke and Myself...it was an amazing night...it felt like I had died and gotten to be at my funeral. I was honoured. But before the surprise, you gotta love that my first thought when Thom came onstage was "Why didn't they ask me to host for fucks sake?" THANK YOU FOR THE HONOUR!
AND! Shooting an episode of "Murdoch Mysteries"...the lovliest set ever...and George Masswohl (yes, that one.) was also on the episode....he played a rich dude...and I played...his nanny...I wasn't fancy enough to play his wife...but we sat in director's chairs and talked on our cellphones...like the low budget version of Brangelina.





















Worst: Waiting to dance in a commercial 3:00am in the men's underwear section of Walmart. Nuff said.























September
Best: TIE AGAIN! Visiting my dearest friend Thom in Edmonton...it was like going to a three day slumber party where the other person gives you birthday cards and chocolate EVERYDAY! And also cooks your every meal!! That is my dream world.
AND Seeing aforementioned Walmart commercial and realizing that I am pretty much unrecognizable!!! Yay!!

Worst: Thom and I getting into an arguement with a lady...and I use the term loosely... in a bus shelter Edmonton...yes, Thom and I were in a bus shelter...will wonders ever cease...this bitch didn't know who she was messing with. We had her smooshed in a matter of seconds. Her "Mom Pants" were in a twist!

October
Best: This was a huge month! A lot of my dreams came true...so excuse me again if there is more than one best this month...but it is October and this blog is longer than "Gone with the Wind" or "Lord of the Rings" so if you are still reading at this point...A: Thank You for Caring and B: You clearly have some time to kill and kinda enjoy hearing me go on about myself...SO!!!...
I toured my "Sharron's Big Broadway Show" out east...my first tour out of Ontario! And Wayne Gwillim came with me...it went very well...and Wayne had to be navigator...and as we drove out of the airport parking lot in Charlottetown he got his shit together and told me where to go...figuratively speaking...and then 20 minutes later very calmly stated we were going the absolute opposite way to way we were supposed to be going! I love WAYNE!











I have always wanted to be a part of the "Hysteria Festival" and I was asked by Moynan King to do my own set in Buddies to begin one of the evenings...and I could not have been happier or prouder!



















AND I also had the great honour of premiering my band "The Panik Attack" at the Canwest Cabaret Festival! SOLD OUT PEOPLE!!!





















And I started rehearsal...on the newest Leslie Arden musical "Princess and the Handmaiden"...and I was playing the King!!! It was a big month...one that made me look back to the pumping of the lotion in January and think...wow...things can change very fast. And I was very thankful.
Oh, and I don't wanna brag....but Now Magazine named me "Best Cabaret Performer"...I mean, I guess I do wanna brag...but I worked my shit off...so it was a happy, tearful and proud moment.
October 2009...I thank you.

Worst: I will not dishonour the great month of October 2009 by focusing on ANY negative thoughts. So suck that, January.

November
Best: Opening night of the "Princess and the Handmaiden" @ the LKTYP...when I came out in the Prologue and sang to the audience I saw all the Canadian composers, producers, actors young and old and felt what an important night it was. I felt honoured to be opening an original Canadian musical in Toronto...and that it was the second Leslie Arden musical to be produced in Toronto. There should be hundreds. She is amazing. As is LKTYP. They are one of the best places to work in...the world. Yes, I made that statement...the world.
















Worst:Waking up the morning after the opening and realizing that I probably said the above mentioned statement about one million times after drinking a little too much at the opening night party. I hope I didn't wear it out. Oh, and in the words of Shauna Mac...I had a 10th Grade Hanger.


December
Best: Though super busy George and I enjoyed our best Christmas EVER! Too many awesome parties to mention. AND I dyed my hair red. Suck that resume shot.

Worst: Hmm. Huh. I cannot think of one damned thing.

So, there you have it faithful and patient readers. I started the year pumping lotion in the depths of despair and ended it with my best and happiest time EVER.
You can't write that shit.
I want to thank you all for caring and listening and supporting.
I had named 2009 the year of "I am not fucking around!" which was true....and the title that George and I have come up with for 2010?
"Untitled"
We are gonna be open to what comes.
I hope that you all have a great year...and see the pluses and the minuses...and the balance...and forge forward!!!
All my BEST!
Sharron

Sigh. It is over....again.

I can't sleep.
Sigh.
Here we are AGAIN.
The time between Christmas and New Years....where I consider going on an all-liquid diet but figure I might as well wait for a couple of days....I have given up on my pre-christmas jeans in favour of tights...and skirts...and...I know...eff you....sweatpants.
Christmas is over.
This year was the first year that I really realized that I love the lead up to the season WAY MORE than the day itself.
I love everyone wishing the other "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Holidays"... the anticipation of the day itself....that NEVER lives up to the days beforehand...the soft snow that falls...and here is a thought....
Isn’t it strange that at Christmas time having snow and sleet is kinda romantic and cozy...and after Jan 1st the same weather is just bullshit.
It is almost time for the aforementioned bullshit.
Oh....and this Christmas Day...a drunk lady backed into our car...our car was parked.
She drove away and contacted us from her party saying that she had to leave the scene (yes, I use the CSI terminology...I have to use it somewhere to justify the hours of watching) because she was LATE for her party.
Are you fucking serious?
Merry Drunken Christmas, Lady.
But I digress.
I have a musical to close tomorrow...and I am torn.
I am always happy to recognize the timely ending of a project.
A job fulfilled.
An audience satisfied.
Okay....I just judged myself.
But I always know when it is time to move forward and I know that my attention span is quite short.
Surprised?
But I have had a blast doing this show at LKTYP.
And I find myself melancholy.
There is nothing like the gift of singing or listening to some Leslie Arden.
I stand on stage at the same point every show and listen to Regan and Tracy singing to each other...and the melody and harmony is so haunting...I almost tear up...which is saying a lot about a hard ass like me.
Oh WAIT...Sidebar....Shawn Wright came to the show today and something that had been nagging at the back of my subconcious came into the light, as the fancy people say....here it is for you to consider....Shawn Wright....Karen Wood....separated at birth?
They are like Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson...are they the same person? Do they cancel each other out.
I wanted to actually use Latoya there...but who would be who?
There is something very solitary about the cabaret and one-woman show work that is my great passion.
Okay...I just judged myself again...but you know what I mean, people.
I love the company of....a company. The crew and the cast.
We have a good time.
Even when the kid in the front got up during the applause of one number and asked me, while I was bowed over accepting said applause, how much longer the show was.
Actually, especially then.
Nothing like the young ones keeping you honest.
They also like to stare at the action on stage with their mouths WIDE OPEN.
That is my fave.
Even though sometimes they are breathing and coughing out the germs...but I use sanitizer.
Who knows when I will do theatre again.
I will be dedicating this year to new projects and going international...so that takes a lot of time...but I have totally enjoyed this theatrical breath of fresh air.
GOD....I keep judging myself in the fancy speak!!!
I want to thank Tracy, Regan, Andrew, Larry, George, Jonny Tan, Karen, Julain, Susan...late entrance CATHY...WTG girl...Kate, Kristen, Scott, Jacks, Gavin, Allen, Leslie, Stephen, Craig and ALL at the Lorraine Kimsa. It is always a pleasure.
Maybe now I can sleep....I have young people to keep the attention of tomorrow...and it can be a challenge.
And a joy.
God...the self judgement!!!
Night all!

Dog vs Cone

I won't put a picture up here of Tyson in his cone. I think it would be bad for his self esteem. It is almost a year since the tragic viewing of 'Marley and Me'. The viewing in which George turned to me halfway through and said quietly, in the PACKED theatre, "This dog isn't going to die is it?" Oh lord. Then we got out two monster dogs. It was like seeing " A Baby Story" on TLC....which is horrifying by the way...I had it on in the background last week, totally by accident....and when they got to the birth I had to sit down as I thought I would pass out....SO, it is like seeing "A Baby Story" and then deciding it is time to have kids. But this has been a great year with them...a learning year. A year of surprises. Who knew that after three months Cassie could bark...and it is a old man bark at that. Who knew that after eight months Tyson could be totally enthralled by a beam of light from a laser or flashlight. Who knew that two dogs pass fleas faster than a whore with the clap. So, many things....too little time. it is our first Christmas with them...and sadly, the Big Dog is in a cone...the biggest cone I have ever seen....for those of you who don't have dogs and have no idea of what I speak...when dogs itch or lick themselves raw the vet puts a device resembling a megaphone on the dogs heads so they can't reach the affected bits. The dogs all look "special needs". After the fleas he got all infected and needed "THE CONE". God bless his little soul. Anyhow....somehow...with said cone....he locked himself in the bathroom. We had no idea how he did it...all we knew was when we got home the little girl was lying sweetly on her bed....gloating, no doubt...and he was no where to be found. Then George saw the that the bathroom door was closed. When he opened it...Tyson had decided after he locked himself in to hunker down...he ate the garbage and two bars of soap. Dove. Maybe the two fucking quarters of moisturizing cream will help his skin. He had bubbles in the corners of his mouth. You can't help but laugh. He also decided that the blue disco ball on the Christmas tree looked yummy. So the next day his poo was sequins and dental floss. If I had a nickle......

How the eff did this happen?

This is a photo of the Christmas tree that George brought me home last year.
We had experienced a gross year who's main highlights consisted of our beloved Otto passing and that effing Rob Roy debacle.
I decided that we didn't need a Christmas Tree.
Nope.
So, one day I was in the bath and George brought in the tree and decorated it.
Yes, I bathe for a VERY long time.
And that big present in front was for me.
Sweet.
How did Christmas sneak up on us this year?
Was it the balmy fall that lasted till...this morning? Freezing rain and sleet suck ass.
But Christmas is all close...and it could be me...or it could be the PMS...but I feel all emotional and seasonal...not like the flu.
Just moved.
Not like bowels.
For fucks sake, Sharron....just say what you wanna say.....SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A WOMAN PMS' ????!!!!
I decided to not do a holiday performance this year.
It was after a lot of thought that I made that decision.I LOVE the holiday show....but I wanted to devote my time and energy to the "Princess and the Handmaiden"....Leslie Arden's music is challenging people!
But I want to do....something...
So, a lovely lady called me on the phone and asked me to be a part of her groups show....
Maybe you have heard of them??
Check this out!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjXazfJXCIM
Oh ya!!!
These ladies...and some gents...are something else...and their shows are awesome!!!
AND....my band, The Panik Attack (the handsome Reza, Jamie and Erik) will be playing with me!!! With a lovely bassist named Devon....oh what a night it will be....
Incidentally, I was rehearsing with my guys and after we were riding an elevator down from the space...all the boys had their instruments with them...and when the doors opened a man outside said "Hey, here comes the band!" and then looked at me...and before I could kick him in the balls he asked if I was the manager...I looked at him and said "I with the band......jealous?" and strode away.
Swinging my ass as I went!!!
Oh what a time it will be....
This Sunday December the 13th at the Revival at 7:30pm.... go to this link for TICKETS!!! This event almost ALWAYS sells out...so go NOW!!
http://lescoquettesnaughtylist.eventbrite.com/
I hope to see you...if not at Les Coquettes ....then out and about!
Happy Holidays all!

The Effing Christmas Shoes

So, yesterday I am happily driving to Joe Fresh...for the record this is NEVER an unhappy thing for me...you gotta love lovely styles at affordable prices...WHO DOESN'T?!?!?
I turn on the radio in happiness...in celebration of Joe Fresh and being done my show day at 11:45am. Because the radio is a bit broken...you can't see what channel it is on...and the fact that I don't feel like listening to Q107...Georgie's fave...I start to blindly search the channels.
The seeker stops on the musical chords that are clearly the beginning of some country and western Christmas song...
I ain't saying I don't like country...I don't enjoy all of it...but I love the Dixie Chicks...that counts right? I guess that is kinda like people declaring that like some musicals and then say "We Will Rock You" counts, right?
Make your own assumptions about that statement.
Anyhow, the song is just starting...all flowery and with ping-ie piano chords...and I have a moment when I admire the campiness of the country lyric...I know the country community would be surprised and maybe a be horrified to discover how camp their lyrics truly are...like
"I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal."
or....
"My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do
Miss Him."
really? Or how about...
"If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now."
How nice. But do you see what I mean?
So, as I ponder over these thoughts, the songs starts...and it sounds like that country guy...I don't know his name...they all sound like him...the guy who sang "Butterfly Kisses"....all husky voiced and earnest.
He starts to tell a story about a pair of shoes....instantly I am pulled in...because what girl doesn't dig a song about a pair of shoes....and then I realize this isn't a happy shoe song.
I will short form this shit for you.

It is basically about this guy who goes into a store and sees this dirty little kid who is holding a pair of Manolo Blahnik's...the kid wants to buy them for his mama with money from his paper route because she is dying that night....Christmas night...and he wants her to look pretty when she meets Jesus.
Of course, the guy gives the kid the cash. And it is happy, yet horribly sad Christmas with the dirty child at the end of his moms bed...with her corpse clad in pink sequined mules.

Yup...that is the story.
I found myself doubting the child's authenticity during the song...I could see his criminal father rolling him in the dirt and telling him to pick the most expensive pair of shoes in the store so he could sell them on Ebay. Just like a modern day Oliver.
I have one question.
Who the fuck comes up with these fucking Christmas Country Songs?
Oh wait...one more question....And where kinda life are they living that they got this idea?
AND WAIT!!!
I have to tell you something else...I was in such disbelief about this song on that I drove home...after my very successful Joe Fresh visit...and Youtubed it.
Ya know what?
That made a fricken movie out of it....with Rob Lowe and that chick from "Father of the Bride"....they cleaned it up a bit...the child was not dirty.
I watched the video on Youtube and just about lost my shit.
Really?
Really?
Are there people at home right now listening to this "Christmas Shoes" song between "Do they Know It's Christmas?" and "Silver and Gold"?
Is this what Christmas songs have come to?
I am just shocked and freaked out and not a bit delighted.
Oh god...it is just so good in a way that is so bad.
And now, without further ado...is the Christmas Shoes song...you decide...
and if you like it....good for you...but if you don't... as Olympia Dukakis' character says in "Steel Magnolias" (no coincidence..total camp) "Sit next to me!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNsvE33pRSw

I had my first night off....in 5 years. I have nothing to learn. Nothing to sell. Nothing to worry over....well, not right now anyway....and I am giving myself this month to recuperate after...alright...5 years of overwork.
I know that sounds excessive, what a surprise...but George ran to Hamilton to do something and insisted I stay at home with the traumatized dogs...they had a hard day that required 3....count 'em three baths. Sigh...god bless their souls...I do love them...so I sit in the quiet of my home....the dogs asleep...well, the Big Dog had to take a Benadryl so he is all drugged sleeping...but we just threw out their beds...don't worry Patty Zee...this occured after they stayed at your house...so we decided to be wishful and buy them one BIG bed...during said purchase both dogs were being groomed at Petsmart and we ran into one handsome Loach son named Will....who shook my hand with such conviction that had to nod and think "that is one fine handshake"....I love running into nice people.
Anyhow...so...I got soil....soil that I have been planning to get for...you guessed it...5 years. This poor plant has been soldiering through my false promises of replanting for these long years...and tonight while we were at Home Depot getting wood pieces to prop up the bed that the 120 pound flea machine broke....(actually we think he ate a mouse because he had fur in his poop....George said " Oh no...now they are gonna call him 'Old Fur in the Dung Masswohl'...I don't think they will, actually, but I love that George thinks they will..whoever they are) ....so yah, Tyson broke the bed...again... and while he and Cassie were getting conditioned and moisturized at Petsmart ( we went to the pros) we were at the HD getting wood I walked with determination into the garden section and got a huge bag of soil...because that is the only kind you can get....and lugged it around the store like a kid with a teddy bear.

Then after George dropped me off I cleaned the kitchen...as good as therapy...and I put on Julain Molnar's CD, it is called Lullabies for a Sleepless World...and got my plant

( swear to god it looks ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE THIS!)
and the clay pot I have been saving since we moved in here...and while listening to Julain sing ...(it is a fabulous CD...you need to get it....I will find out how you can) I repotted that beautiful plant...it was as good as doing a show...as writing...it made me want to call my sister....book a lunch with Thom....kiss my husband....it made me so happy.
And as I looked over at Tyson and Cassie on the one big bed...(Cassie laid in the middle of it and I had to push her over and make room for the Big Dog)

Wishful thinking?

I poured myself the teeniest glass of wine and sat down to write for the simple joy of it...I thought I should read...or watch TV...or something...while the couch covered in anti-flea juice dries...but no...it is so peaceful...I light a candle...for the first time in forever I light a candle...I had to look for the matches for 10 minutes and blow dust off the candle....and I picked one of my favourite CD's to compliment Julains'....the Patty's ( Zentilli and Loach)....one with a y and one with an i..."Pull Me Through" is their Cd and it is equally awesome...and I just felt so happy and melancholy ...in a good way...you know when melancholy is so satisfying and soul filling?...I listen to Patty and Patti...and cry a little...and smile and look at my plant....and am gaylordy happy.